Writing Jokes
This past Friday, after work, I read a joke writing book:
It was one that I had bought last year when I did the ComedySportz stand up course. And I'd carried it around in my bag for a year until I finally read it.
And this week, when I haven't been working, or attending improv in far flung places across the country, I've been knee deep in joke webs and other exercises hoping to write a slew of jokes.
The main reason I'm doing this is to try and actually get something accepted by Newsjack this year.
I can only do my best.
Let's See What Happens.
Sketch: THE INVISIBLE SKETCH
It was great, wasn't it? Many people have said that it is my best one yet.
Hope you enjoyed it.
Sketch: PRIVATE EYE
Hello there my friends.
It's time for the second Wednesday post of the year, I thought that I would post a sketch that I rewrote over Christmas as my last Second City course assignment.
Hope you enjoy it, and feel free to leave any comments or suggestions or general feedback in the comments section.
PRIVATE EYE
By Matt Fishwick – December 30th, 2011 (Rewrite 1).(A Crumbling hallway of a 1950s style apartment block. A Private Eye is stood in the hallways dressed in a trench coat and hat. He is smoking a cigarette.)
PRIVATE EYE (VO)
It was a tough case. I trailed all over the city looking for that missing suitcase. From the Port Authority all the way to the Gin Authority. Nobody had seen, or was willing to say that they had seen the suitcase. I’d been to every low down dive in the Tri State Area, including that Pizza Joint on Seventh that was shut down by the health department when it was discovered that they hadn’t had a working pizza oven in three years. What can I say? They did make a great cup of Joe. It was my seventeenth day on the case, and was beginning to think that it would never end. The only bright point in the whole case was that I was being paid per day.(The Private Eye is about to knock on the door of one of the apartments, but the voice over kicks in again. The Private Eye looks visibly agitated and begins to check his watch and tap his foot in frustration.)
PRIVATE EYE (VO)
It was after finishing a rather tasty pizza slice that I remembered that I hadn’t checked with the next door neighbour, who had conveniently been out of town since just after the theft. I had it on good authority from one of my stoop pigeons that they were back. It was difficult teaching that bird to talk. I had briefly considered putting in a parrot undercover, but it would stick out like a sore thumb, so I went with a pigeon.(The Private Eye takes a book out of his pocket and begins to read.)
PRIVATE EYE (VO)
So now I was back to the apartment building. It was the second...PRIVATE EYE
(without looking up from reading his book)
Third.PRIVATE EYE (VO)
Sorry, the third time that I was back checking their whereabouts. If they weren’t there this time, I don’t know what I would do. I was nearly out of options. I was getting a little desperate.PRIVATE EYE
(looking up from reading his book)
Can I go in now?PRIVATE EYE (VO)
Go on, seeing as it’s you.PRIVATE EYE
Okay then.(The Private Eye pockets the book and knocks on the door of the apartment. After a few beats the door of the apartment is answered by a small child.)
PRIVATE EYE
Is your Mommy or Daddy home?(The child shakes his head.)
PRIVATE EYE
Good.(The Private Eye bursts in to the apartment. The child follows the Private Eye into the apartment.)
PRIVATE EYE
Why don’t you take a seat, punk?(The child says nothing. The Private Eye stares at the child. The child stares at the Private Eye.)
PRIVATE EYE (VO)
As we stared at one another I could sense that the kid was schooled in the way of playing hard ball, as there was a ball in the corner of the room. It didn’t look all that bouncy neither.(There is a beat and then the child takes a seat in the centre of the room on a chair.)
PRIVATE EYE
Look, kid, we all know what happened. We know it was you. We’ve got witnesses, so you might as well just admit it.(The child just sits in the chair saying nothing, staring at the Private Eye.)
PRIVATE EYE
Playing it tough, are you kid? (beat) Well, I’ve met your type before, but I’ll let you in on a little secret. Sooner or later they always crack. Kids like you are always on the lookout for the latest grift to score some sweet, sweet candy. Well I’ve got news for you. You’ve messed with the wrong people. There’s no candy here, bub. So where are the goods?(Once again, the child is silent.)
PRIVATE EYE (VO)
The kid was good at this. I couldn’t let him know that his tough stance would eventually make me lose interest in this. As I watched the kid, I noticed that he perked up a little bit just a second ago, and realised that maybe I wasn’t the only one that could hear me.PRIVATE EYE
We’ve got you made kid. There are marks leading from their apartment to yours. We’ve even got photographic evidence of your sticky little paws, so just confess and the cops will go easier on you, otherwise you’ll be forced to make your own bed for a very long time.(The child is unmoved by the threats of the Private Eye.)
PRIVATE EYE (VO)
There were marks that were...PRIVATE EYE
(interrupting)
Will you shut up? (beat) Come over here.(The Private Eye walks over to a corner of the room.)
PRIVATE EYE (VO)
What is it?PRIVATE EYE
You’re too loud. He can hear you. He’s going to find out too much and then my interrogation won’t be worth diddly squat.PRIVATE EYE (VO)
He doesn’t know about you crying yourself to sleep last night.(The Private Eye looks over at the kid, and sees him smirking a little.)
PRIVATE EYE
Damn it.PRIVATE EYE (VO)
Sorry.(In a fit of anger, the Private Eye begins to smash the place up in the hopes of getting a reaction from the child. But he gets none.)
PRIVATE EYE
Is that going to change your mind?PRIVATE EYE (VO)
To be honest, I didn’t think it would.(The child shakes his head slowly and methodically, daring the Private Eye to do his worst.)
PRIVATE EYE
That’s how you want to play it, huh? (beat) In that case, you wouldn’t mind if I took a little look around, seeing as you got nothing to hide?(The Private Eye runs off to another room for another second [lots of banging and noise off stage while he is away] before returning dragging a suitcase behind him. The Private Eye places the suitcase next to the child.)
PRIVATE EYE
Did you think I wasn’t smart enough to find it? (beat) Well, here it is. You and your five year old head are no match for my man’s brain.(The child stays silent and unmoved by the Private Eye’s words and actions. The Private Eye is becoming visibly more agitated by the child.)
PRIVATE EYE (VO)
It was at that moment that I knew I would have to do something that that I loathed so much I swore I would never ever do again.PRIVATE EYE
Alright, I’m going to enjoy this.(The Private Eye cracks his knuckles.)
PRIVATE EYE (VO)
Ow.(The Private Eye moves to take a swing at the child, but at the last second the Private Eye swerves and picks up the suitcase and moves it in front of the child and opens the suitcase.)
PRIVATE EYE
Aha!(The Private Eye reaches into the suitcase and produces a set of house keys.)
PRIVATE EYE
I knew it was you. Finally all my antics that got me kicked off the force are justified. I’ve saved the world and I can return these keys to its rightful owner so they can get into their apartment. Let’s just hope that your neighbour’s cat is still alive. The only thing that would make this moment sweeter is a confession.PRIVATE EYE (VO)
And maybe some ice for my knuckles.PRIVATE EYE
Now that I’ve got you hook, line and sinker, what have you got to say for yourself, kid?CHILD
I’m not telling you anything.PRIVATE EYE
And why’s that?CHILD
Because you’re a stranger.(Blackout.)
Sketch: SANTA VISITS THE MARRIAGE COUNSELOR
Hello there children.
For the first Wednesday post of the year, I thought that I would post a sketch that I wrote over Christmas as part of my Second City course.
SKETCH: SANTA VISITS THE MARRIAGE COUNSELOR
By Matt Fishwick – December 27, 2011.(An office in which are sat a Marriage Guidance Counselor, Santa and Mrs Claus. There is a red sack next to the chair which Santa occupies.)
COUNSELOR
So tell me, Santa, have you given any more thought to retiring now that the Christmas season is over?MRS CLAUS
I really think that he should contin...COUNSELOR
(interrupting)
Come on now, Barbara, it’s Santa’s time...MRS CLAUS
(interrupting)
Oh, it’s always his time to talk. His time to be the centre of attention. Never my time is it? No, it’s always my job to just stand there, smiling, feeling around his sack to provide an age appropriate gift for whoever is on his lap.SANTA
Ho Ho Ho.MRS CLAUS
You cheating bastard, we said we weren’t going to mention that again.COUNSELOR
It doesn’t sound like you’ve come to terms with Santa’s method of working, despite you being the fifth Mrs Claus?(Mrs Claus shoots the Counselor a disgusted look.)
COUNSELOR
But despite all that, you don’t want him to quit his job?MRS CLAUS
Of course I don’t. When I met him, he was still married to the fourth Mrs Claus. But the moment I sat on his lap, I could feel something between us. A connection. There he was, a successful self employed businessman and me, a mere super model with my good looks and perfume endorsements.SANTA
Of course that was before the failed Candy Cane Claus fragrance launch.MRS CLAUS
I still maintain that would have worked with the right marketing.SANTA
You targeted it at strippers.MRS CLAUS
Of course I did. There’s no reason not to when you use the words “North” and “Pole” in the ad campaign.SANTA
You know sometimes I think you did that on purpose so that I’d have to continue to working past the age that I originally planned to retire.MRS CLAUS
(confused)
You love strippers, that’s how you met wives one, three and four. But it was your money. You had the final call.COUNSELOR
So does this mean that you are not any closer to reaching a compromise?SANTA
We can hardly compromise. Either I retire or I don’t.MRS CLAUS
It’s not like he can go part time, either. He only works on day a year as it is.SANTA
That’s not true...COUNSELOR
We’re obviously not going to reach a sensible conclusion just arguing amongst yourselves. And that’s why I’ve invited some of your friends here today to see if we can break this deadlock.(The Counselor walks over to the door and opens it. In walk three characters: Tired Old Elf with one arm, Young Elf and a Young Girl.)
COUNSELOR
Thanks for coming. Please take a seat.(Tired Old Elf, Young Elf and a Young Girl take the seat where Counselor was sat. The Counselor looks at the new people and realizes that he has nowhere to sit. He sits cross legged on the floor.)
COUNSELOR
Okay, so now that we’re all here. Why don’t we take some questions from the people that your decision will affect the most?SANTA
I’m not going to question myself. I’ve made up my mind.MRS CLAUS
And so have I. (beat) You’re not retiring.COUNSELOR
Alright, good, now that we’re all open to new ideas, let’s take some questions then.(The Counselor looks around at the three new people. None of them has their hand raised, but the Counselor makes it look like it is a difficult decision over which one to pick, despite the fact that clearly none of them want to ask a question. The Counselor points to each one in turn and as he does so, each character shifts lower into their chairs, until one by one they all fall to the floor. The Counselor uses this opportunity to spring to his feet and retake his own chair.)
COUNSELOR
(points to Tired Elf)
You.TIRED ELF
Santa, I hope that you will not listen to anyone else here and just listen to what’s in your heart and retire as soon as possible.SANTA
That’s very nice of you to say, Buttons.MRS CLAUS
I’ll bet that little bastard has an ulterior motive.SANTA
Don’t be silly, I’ve done my best over the years to be happy all the time, I’ve always lead by example. Buttons just wants me to be happy. (beat) With you.MRS CLAUS
Exactly, leading by example. (to Tired Elf) But why don’t you tell the real reason you want him to retire? Could it be this?(Mrs Claus produces an Elf employment contract.)
COUNSELOR
What’s that?MRS CLAUS
If you read the stage directions, you’d know it was an elf employment contract.(Santa shifts uncomfortably in his chair and looks uncomfortable.)
MRS CLAUS
Why don’t I read off a few of the items in the contract?COUNSELOR
Don’t you mean you’ll read a few of the clauses?(The Counselor begins to chuckle to himself. Mrs Claus turns to the Counselor and slaps him, hard.)
MRS CLAUS
How dare you use such an old joke? I always said I’d slap the next person that said that to me.SANTA
We don’t need to have that read out loud. Nobody here’s a lawyer, are they?TIRED ELF
I could have been, had I not signed that contract and had to devote the rest of my life to your servitude.MRS CLAUS
Do you see? (reads from the contract) It says here that the elves can only retire when Santa does. And since Santa is immortal he should never retire.TIRED ELF
So because he is immortal he should never get to enjoy his golden years? And neither should I?MRS CLAUS
You only want him to retire for selfish reasons.COUNSELOR
I’m sure it isn’t for that. I know that Santa offers health coverage.TIRED ELF
SantaCare Isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.COUNSELOR
Why do you say that?(Tired Elf shoots counselor a look of disgust.)
TIRED ELF
Okay let’s do a little test. Everyone raise their left arm.(The entire cast raises their left arms.)
TIRED ELF
Okay, now everyone raise their right arm.COUNSELOR
Yep. Sorry. I can totally see it now. (beat) But surely having SantaCare means that you didn’t die?TIRED ELF
Sometimes I wish that I was dead. It’d be a restful, except I was given this as a prosthetic.(Tired Elf shows a candy cane to the Counselor.)
TIRED ELF
It isn’t even the right size.SANTA
Size isn’t everything.(Mrs Claus gives a snort of laughter. Santa looks at her with disappointment.)
SANTA
You could always eat it.MRS CLAUS
I wouldn’t put my lips around that. I don’t know where it’s been.SANTA
Don’t start, Barbara.TIRED ELF
Well, I did eat it. Repeatedly. Hour after hour, day after day. Year after year.(Counselor looks at Tired Elf and seems uncomfortable.)
TIRED ELF
Not his penis. The Candy Cane. You know what it got me?COUNSELOR
A sugar rush?TIRED ELF
Diabetes.COUNSELOR
Oh.TIRED ELF
Which isn’t covered by SantaCare.SANTA
Have you not seen the state of the economy? I give away free toys for a living. I can’t just cover every little ailment in life.TIRED ELF
(begins to lick the candy cane as he talks)
That’s why I want him to retire. To save all the other elves out there from ending up a one armed diabetic.COUNSELOR
Should you be eating that?TIRED ELF
They’re just so delicious.(Tired Elf throws the candy cane to the floor.)
TIRED ELF
I’ve got to go check my blood sugar.(Tired Elf exits.)
YOUNG ELF
What about me?SANTA
I think we’ve all...COUNSELOR
We should let the little fellow talk. I invited everyone here today for a reason?MRS CLAUS
More billable hours?YOUNG ELF
What will become of me? All my life I’ve been told that I’ll grow up and make toys. And now what?MRS CLAUS
That’s true. There are thousands just like this little fella out there. You’ll make them all unemployed. There wouldn’t be so many of the little buggers had you put a stop to all the elf orgies that were happening when the production lines weren’t running.SANTA
I’m sure we could all work something out. It isn’t the end of the world. Retraining, or something.YOUNG ELF
It’s the end of my world. It’s all I know. Don’t retire, Santa. If we elves are forced to split up, I’ll never find out who my Dad is.COUNSELOR
(to Young Elf)
And how does that make you feel?SANTA
Hold it. I’m not paying for that kind of counseling.YOUNG ELF
Don’t force me to retrain as a lawyer or a priest or a doctor. How would that help people? Where would they get their toys?SANTA
Look, there are plenty of people out there in America who want jobs. If we shut down, there’ll be more jobs for regular Americans. We can get the economy moving again.YOUNG ELF
What if I retrained as Santa? As your replacement? I know I have little experience, but I’m eager to learn into the role and then one day I’ll crush those that oppose me with the help of my army of elves, just like you.SANTA
No one is replacing me. It’s just the end of Santa in my current form. We all just have to accept that capitalism needs a chance to develop. Imagine this as us just taking the training wheels off and sending America off down the driveway and hoping that it learns to apply the brakes before it gets crushed by the might of the Jones’ Studebaker. In this analogy the Jones’ Studebaker is Canada.YOUNG ELF
I don’t think that I can take much more of this. We were one united Christmas Party and now you’re saying there’s a different way? I really don’t think that I can accept that.(Young Elf begins to cry and rushes to exit.)
MRS CLAUS
Poor little bastard.SANTA
I’m sure if he keeps guessing, one of his tries will be right on the Button.COUNSELOR
How do you know?SANTA
It’s on the list. The X rated naughty list.MRS CLAUS
But, if you won’t think of the little elf, why don’t you think of the children of the world, who will miss you?(Mrs Claus motions for the Young Girl, who comes and sits on Santa’s lap.)
YOUNG GIRL
Hi Santa. I’m so glad you’re here. I’m Amy.SANTA
Ho Ho Hello, Amy. And how old are you, sweetheart?YOUNG GIRL
I’m ten years old.SANTA
Are your parents outside?YOUNG GIRL
My parents are dead. I’m all alone in the world. That’s what I want for Christmas. You’re the only thing I believe in any more. If you’re retire who will bring me my parents back?SANTA
Oh dear sweetheart, I’m sorry, it doesn’t work like that. (beat) Santa doesn’t visit orphans.(The Young Girl looks shocked.)
SANTA
(shaking head)
I’m sorry, honey. It’s something that your parents would have told you had they been alive. Santa usually subcontracts the present delivery to the family. No family, no presents.YOUNG GIRL
But I *believe* in you.SANTA
Well Santa doesn’t believe you really understand how the world works.(The Young Girl gets off Santa’s lap and moves to leave.)
COUNSELOR
That seems rather cruel.SANTA
I’m not totally unfeeling. I can’t let you go home empty handed.(Santa reaches into the red sack.)
YOUNG GIRL
I don’t have a home.(Santa removes his hand. He’s holding a puppy.)
SANTA
In that case, I can’t give you this puppy. Puppies need a good home.(Santa puts the puppy back in the red sack. Dejected, the Young Girl moves to the door.)
SANTA
Oh come back here, little girl. Santa’s had a change of heart.(The Young Girl’s eyes brighten as she moves towards Santa again. Santa reaches into the red sack.)
YOUNG GIRL
I knew it wasn’t a mistake to believe in Santa. I’m going to name him Biscuit and we’ll...(The Young Girl trails off as she sees what Santa has reached into the red sack for.)
SANTA
(unfurls his hand to reveal gift)
Here.(Santa has given the Young Girl a vial of “Candy Cane Claus” perfume.)
YOUNG GIRL
What’s this?SANTA
Candy Cane Claus perfume. I’m giving you this because you believe in me. Wear this my dear, and maybe, just maybe, in about eight years, Santa will believe in you.(Blackout.)
Hope you enjoyed it. Let me know what you thought in the comments below.
NaNoWriMo 2011 Week 4 – A Review
You're reading this on the last day of NaNoWriMo 2011. Congratulations on writing until the end of the month, or just simply thanks for stumbling across my blog on the last day of the month. Either way, Kudos to you fine sir or good gentle woman.
Now that this brief bit of blog foreplay has been dispatched as quickly as possible, it's time to get to the down and dirty act of writing my last NaNoWriMo review.
So away we go:
Day 22 was a Tuesday and despite not having the long commute to work this day, I was still tired, so I didn’t manage to reach the 1667 quota for the day. I only managed to write 1455 words.
Day 23 was a Wednesday and I had the commute home in the evening, however, I was able to fit in some writing time before work and during my lunch break and that got me to 2042 words.
Day 24 saw me having to put in more time on my sketch writing class assignments. I only managed 1188 words.
Day 25 and Friday saw me write 241 words over par for a total of 1908 words. Unfortunately, that would be the last time that I wrote more than the daily quota for the rest of the week until Monday.
Day 26 and the last Saturday of NaNoWriMo 2011 saw me write 303 words. Of course it was improve day and I spent it making stuff up that rhymed, picking random lines of dialogue off the floor and pretending to be from Mexico and naked (though not at the same time). It also saw me drink a lot and after that I was in no shape to write.
Day 27 saw me write 1105 words as I spent more time on my sketch writing assignments and to be frank, I’ve long since lost interest in the novel. I just keep plodding along until I get to 50,000. I liked the original concept, but without being planned it went off on a tangent that never corrected itself. And it was not a good tangent, either. Oh well, perhaps I can plot this sucker out over the next year and by the time the next NaNoWriMo rolls around, I can write it as proper novel.
And what can be said about Day 28 that hasn’t been said already? Everything really, as I haven’t written about it yet. It was a Monday, and I’d had at most 2 hours sleep the night before. I drove the 106 miles to work, and then proceeded to write a bit before work. Thanks to this work ethic and some writing time at lunch and after work I was able to power to 2345 words and then win NaNoWriMo. If I had managed to drive to Birmingham everyday (getting up at 4:30am in the process), I probably would have finished my NaNoWriMo Novel much earlier in the month.
So that was my NaNoWriMo done for the year. I managed the slowest win that I’ve ever experienced. (Previous years had seen me finish around 22nd of the month.) I haven’t really enjoyed this year’s novel. In reality I’ve had too much stuff on my mind and too much other stuff to do, mainly the sketch assignments, which take a lot of time to do and yield very small word counts as they are in script format. I was looking forward to this year’s NaNoWriMo, but then stuff happens as it usually does. Which is a shame. In years past, the odd numbered years have generally been the most interesting and fun, with the even numbered years being dull and awkward. Which is why, after a lull last year, I was hopeful that this year would continue a pattern. This year I’ve really been making an effort to improve my sketch writing and, as such, I really wanted to do the Second City sketch writing course as it would help me in other areas of my life. (Especially in the sketch writing section of my life.) And so I’m still in the midst of that as I type. It is going reasonably well and I feel that I learning new skills. Sadly I never seen to learn from my NaNo disasters and keep repeating the same mistakes year after year. Hopefully, with the other skills that I have acquired, I can learn from this year’s disaster and plan for 2012. And it will be different if I decide to undertake a novel in a month again because I will only do it if I have a properly planned novel. I believe my days of pantsing it are over.
NaNoWriMo 2011 Week 3 – A Review
Hey there noveling fans. It's time for the week 3 review.
Many people have a dip in their progress during week 2 and then when week 3 rolls around they get their second wind. Well, I'm here to tell you that normally that doesn't happen to me. I can usually power through and complete the whole thing in just over three weeks. This time it hasn't happened that way, and in fact I've really been off the pace in the third week and I'm really struggling to just get to the daily goal.
I suppose it had to happen eventually. If I was only working on one thing I wouldn't have any excuse, but because this year I decided to do an online sketch writing course with Second City, I knew that I wouldn't be able dedicate all my free time to it. And I have noticed that the sketches that I have been asked to write have taken a large amount of planning and still haven't been great when they were finished. Well, that's according to my tutor feedback. He hasn't said they are out and out bad, but the list of things that I have missed and the techniques that I haven't managed to use are quite long, so I personally feel like I have failed. With the course not scheduled to finish until just before Christmas, it isn't as though I'll have any time to catch up and finish NaNoWriMo before the 30th November. So this year it looks like I'll have to use all the days of November to write the novel.
So with that said, let us all take a look at the daily word count breakdown of week 3:
Day 15: So week 3 kicked off with a below par day. The accepted wisdom of NaNoWriMo is that 1667 words need to be writen each day in order to get to 50,000 words by the end of November. On Day 15 I wrote 1525 words, which was 142 below par. Luckily the lead that I had built up earlier in the month still meant that I was ahead of pace at this point in the month by a little over 4000 words.
Day 16: Day 16 was a Wednesday and that meant that I had to drive home. Once I was at home I went out to a pub quiz, so I didn't do much writing that day, but I was able to write 768 words before work and in a brief sprint at lunchtime.
Day 17: The Thursday was much better with regard to word count. I was able to write 1753 words. I would have tried to write more, but I was working on my Sketch class assignment.
Day 18: Friday was very similar to Thursday with reagrd to word count. I was able to write 1777 words. I spent further time working on my Sketch class assignment, but it was like pulling teeth.
Day 19: Saturday was improv day, but I managed to get most of my word count done just after midnight and then between the end of the workshop class and the start of the ComedySportz 10th Anniversary Show. The day's word count reached 1525 again, just like Tuesday.
Day 20: I didn't get much written on the Sunday. Despite having nowhere to go and nothing else to do, I didn't write that much. The reason for this was simply because I had to dedicate the day to my sketch class assignment. I just couldn't make it funny. So there was that.
Day 21: Another long drive followed by another long day at work. But I did manage to fit in 2073 words getting them in just before midnight. It would have taken less time but I spent a good hour or so writing new lyrics to the song “There are worse things I could do” from the Grease Soundtrack. It was a very long day to bring week 3 to a close having written 39,759 words in the first three weeks.
And that was week 3 in a nutshell. Still haven't got any excerpts to share with you. I doubt there will be any this year, unless I rework the novel in to something readable, as at the moment it is a big mess. A big mess without much of a plot to be exact.
Until next time, keep on writing!
Matt.
NaNoWriMo 2011 Week 2 – A Review
It's November 16th, 2011. That can mean only one thing.
NaNoWriMo is more than two weeks old. Doesn't time fly when you don't have time to do anything but work and write and write a blog post about how you only have time to work and write?
So here is a brief review of my second week of writing.
Day 8 was a Tuesday and because I didn't have to drive a great distance and because I had recovered from the previous day's driving I managed to put in 2617 words.
Day 9 was a Wednesday and despite travelling home and attending a pub quiz (where I had a few drinks) I was able to put in 2340 words. In fact I think it was the demon drink that aided my word count that day. Haven't had the guts to reread what I wrote that day, though.
Day 10 was good. I felt good for putting in word counts above 2k per day consistantly over the past couple of days and was therefore trying to build up a lead going into the second weekend when I would have limited to write (on the Saturday, due to attending improv workshops and attending two CSz shows).
Day 11 was another above target day and I found myself writing 1000 words over target on the Friday. This gave me a 5K buffer going in to the weekend. Unfortunately, to reach this milestone I had neglected my sketch writing assignments from the online class I was taking so I'd have to do those over the weekend, too as they were due Sunday night / Monday morning.
Day 12 was a Saturday on the way to improv class I managed to write 237 words. I also worked on my sketch class assignment which was not going well.
Day 13 was a Sunday and I had all day to write but I decided to go to an improv show in Manchester so that would mean that there was a large chunk of time that meant I wouldn't be writing. I worked on my sketch assignment again and I actually managed 779 words for NaNo, too.
Day 14 was a Monday and therefore required an early start. But on the plus side, I did get to work fairly early and that combined with more coffee (which I think is going to be my saviour this year) and a sprint before work and a sprint or two after work, I was able to write 2957 words, increasing my lead and building up a buffer again after the writing problems of the weekend and bring my first week total to 28,082 words.
At that in a blog post was my second week of NaNoWriMo. I still don't have any extracts worth publishing. Maybe that will change next week?
Who knows?
Until then, keep writing,
Matt.
NaNoWriMo 2011 Week 1 – A Review
It's November 9th, 2011. That can mean only one thing.
NaNoWriMo is more than one week old. Doesn't time fly when you don't have time to do anything but work and write?
So here is a brief review of my first week's writing.
As many of you may know, I started a new job on November 1st this year (Much like November 1st last year). Unlike the last job, this job required a little bit more travelling to get to. So much travelling that I had to get up at 4.30am to get to it. That on top of nerves meant that I wrote very little on November 1st, just around five hundred words in fact.
Day 2 was a little better. After catching up on my sleep, I was able to write 2,101 words making a dent in the deficit that I had left over from day 1. This was the day that I also rediscovered caffeinated coffee at work, which (Gwen Stefdani's) No Doubt powered my writing well into the night.
Day 3 was better still. 2,834 words were written, which was ahead of target for the day, but there were enough additional words generated in order to get myself back on target with my average working out at over 1667 words a day which is above pace for this point in the month. There were even a few words extra written to put me ahead of target.
Day 4 was another above target day and I found myself getting into a pace of writing at least 2,000 words a day. I hoped to continue it to give me some breathing room later in the month when I would probably need it.
Day 5 was a Saturday and therefore without the need to go to work, I should have been able to write quite a bit and get really far ahead. Unfortunately for NaNoWriMo, Saturday is my improv workshop day. I was out nearly all day, but I did manage to write 761 words before class. I also attended a play in the evening, which is my prime writing time. But it wasn't all bad, thanks to the buffer that I build up in the previous days, I was still just about target. I enjoyed the day out very much and I think it gave me some inspiration for my fiction, so I count it as a win.
Day 6 was a Sunday and I had all day to write. I didn't. I procrastinated and watched InnerSpace on ITV1. I forgot how much that movie rocks. Martin Short is aces, I must say. I did start writing at about 7pm and managed to write 2,500 words until Misfits came on TV at 10pm. Then I wrote another 507 words during the ad breaks and just after the programme finished, giving me a daily total of 3,007 and giving me a buffer as the working week started again.
Day 7 was a Monday and therefore required an early start. But on the plus side, I did get to work fairly early and that combined with more coffee (which I think is going to be my saviour this year) and a sprint before work and a sprint or two after work, I was able to write 2501 words, increasing my lead and building up a buffer again and bring my first week total to 14,054 words.
At that in a blog post was my first week of NaNoWriMo. I was going to publish some extracts, but there is nothing that really makes much sense yet or the stuff that I have written would be deleted from the final draft. Maybe next week I might have something for you.
Until then, keep writing,
Matt.
The War Room 1945
Amid the crumbling building stood a secure war room inside a bunker. On the table in the war room stood a solitary goldfish bowl, nervous eyes watched it.
“It is no good trying to pretend zat you don’t know vhat is going on.” The Interrogator said in a menacing tone. The Interrogator was holding a riding crop in his hand. It wasn’t for effect. He had a riding lesson booked for after the war and he didn’t want to be on the horse without getting a feel for the equipment first.
The Fish blew a bubble in the bowl.
The Interrogator snapped the rising crop on the table and the resulting motion threw the Goldfish up into the air (far up in the air for a goldfish, anyhow) and due to some nifty physics, the goldfish ended up landing besides the bowl.
The fish gasped for its watery breath.
The Interrogator placed a wet sponge on the forehead (or the fish equivalent of a forehead), seemingly giving the offender a brief respite.
The fish blew another bubble.
In a flash (quite literally) the Interrogator held an electrical cable held over the little fish and soon it was smoking and fried.
“Ve eat tonight boys,” the Interrogator declared.
The crowd of assembled soldiers laughed, though secretly they knew their place in the organization and given the size of the fish and the overall number of soldiers, it was pretty obvious to all but the most stupid of the soldiers that they weren’t about to get any sustenance that night.
The Interrogator coughed. “Sorry. We eat tonight boys,” he offered. “I think I had a frog in my throat or something. Won’t happen again.”
The Soldiers knew their place. And so they laughed again, but with less enthusiasm this time. It wasn’t that they were used to the electrocution of fish, in fact it was a rare occurrence and had only happened on three separate occasions, it was just that the soldiers knew if they stepped out of line a similar fate would befall them.
Just then the door opened and in stepped the long trench coated figure carrying a rather battered medical bag leading a small goat on a pet leash.
The crowd of soldiers turned at the sound of the door. In the back somewhere, someone’s stomach growled.
“Looks like we definitely eat tonight,” The Interrogator shouted at the sight that greeted them.
The troops erupted in genuine laughter as the goat looked disturbed. Though it wasn’t in a psychotic disturbed kind of way, more like that he could sense the mood in the room had shifted.
“Calm down, Wolfgang,” the trench coated stranger told his four legged companion. The goat wore an eye patch. Not because of physical deformity, or because he was under orders from his optometrist, but simply because the trench coated stranger thought that it added an air of mystery to his overall character. “This will all be over soon.”
The eye patched goat seemed to take solace in the words of the man at the other end of his leash.
The trench coated man made his way to the centre of room, near to the bench as the soldiers stood around him in a circle.
“Are you the chef?” One of the soldiers called out.
Everyone laughed, including the goat. He might have been forced into wearing an eye patch in order to look menacing, but it didn’t mean that he didn’t appreciate a good joke or two.
“No.” The stranger replied. “I’m the Doctor. Doctor Otto von Topsy.”
“That seems a rather weird name.”
“It didn’t leave me with many career options.” The Doctor cleared his throat and got down to business. “We’ve had some reports of theft.”
“This is Nazi Germany,” the Interrogator shouted followed by peals of laughter from the group of soldiers.
“Not just petty theft,” the Doctor said as he slowly turned a full 360 degrees, looking each soldier in the eye as he did so, “but the theft of Hitler’s gold. And from this very room.”
“That’s why we killed the fish.” The Interrogator said. “He was solely responsible.”
“That’s hardly likely. It’s just a fish in a bowl. What can it do?”
“That’s what we’ve yet to establish.”
“And that’s what I’m here to find out.” The Doctor reached into his bag and pulled out a scalpel that gleamed in the light. Without a further word, the Doctor set to his task of dissecting the fish and within seconds, because the goldfish in question wasn’t that big, he had completed his task and, at much faster rate than Bono, had found what he was looking for. “Aha, the gold in question.” The Doctor held up a tiny nugget for all to see.
The soldiers gasped and began to eye each other with suspicion and eye Wolfgang the goat with hunger. However the goat, in all his eye patched badassery, stood his ground and remained unfazed.
The Interrogator was the first to recover from the shock “How much gold are we talking about here?”
“Much more than this piece here and much more than can be contained in the belly of a single fish.” The Doctor took a breath before unleashing his theory, if not his goat on the room, “My theory is that whomever the accomplice was he was feeding the tiny pieces of gold to the fish. Just before the fish would expire, the accomplice would switch out the gold fish with a near identical replacement from a local funfair and take the gold filled goldfish home to retrieve his gold. And all this to ensure his retirement in the post war glory years.”
“That seems spookily detailed for a theory. How do we know that you aren’t the accomplice? Or that he wasn’t acting alone?”
The Doctor began walking around the troups inspecting them. “We know he had an accomplice.” The Doctor said after a few passes of the troops.
The Interrogator stared at him wide-eyed. “How do you know?”
“Because of this!” The Doctor whirled around and within a split second was holding a tub of half empty fish food under the Interrogator’s nose.
Instinctively at the sudden movement, the Interrogator had taken a step back, bumped in to the wall, which was only an inch or so away, and returned to his original position. The return momentum carried him forward a touch and he had to put one foot in a lunge like manor to stop himself falling face first on to the ground.
“Ah,” the Doctor said. “A lunge of guilt. You’ll pay for that.” The Doctor placed the tub of fish food on the table next to the cut open corpse of the goldfish. “Guards.”
Two soldiers stepped forward.
“Seize him.”
“Under whose authority?”
“I need no one’s authority.” The Doctor countered. Colonel No One had given Topsy whatever the German equivalent to carte blanch was, to do with whatever it took to bring the gold thief and goldfish accomplice to justice, including finding out whatever the German equivalent to carte blanche was.
The Doctor clicked his fingers while still wearing his leather gloves. The lack of sound didn’t prompt the soldiers to take the Interrogator away as he had intended. Instead, the Doctor had to nod suggestively and point his eyes to the new prisoner.
“That’s preposterous,” the Interrogator retorted. “Why would I have the fish killed if we were in cahoots?”
“Were you not listening to my theory? To cover your tracks. You were never in cahoots and were working entirely on your own.” The Doctor took his left glove off and checked his nails. “So you could have all the gold to yourself.”
“That’s a lie.”
“I don’t think so.” The Doctor dropped the leash and clapped his hands together. “Get him!”
The Goat began to run at the Interrogator. Seeing the goat bearing down on him, caused the Interrogator to recoil in horror.
“Alright, alright.” He managed to shriek with panic in his voice. “It was me. I admit it.”
The Doctor nodded his head at this confession. He clapped his hands and the goat ceased his advancement.
“And I would have got away with it too,” the Interrogator said, breaking rather too easily, “if it hadn’t been for that meddling kid.”
Faraday Cage Sketch
For the past six weeks I have been taking an Online Writing Course with Second City.
It's been going fairly well. A couple of weeks ago I had to write my first sketch assignment (earlier assignments were non script assignments). I enjoyed writing it, and I'm starting to enjoy sketch writing again after a few weeks of falling off the wagon.
And because I'm nice to you, and don't really have much else to say this week, here's the sketch:
Remember to let me know what you think.
Have a fun week!
Matt.
