I Love Matt Fishwick! Fiction and fun with Matt Fishwick

27Sep/150

TV and me

's up, my babies?

That's right, it's been a while, but I am back.

What have I been doing, other than procrastinating over writing a blog post? That's an easy one, I've been procrastinating over so much. From procrastinating about doing laundry, procrastinating about contacting my wife and son in the UK to let them know where I am in the world, to procrastinating about writing jokes and scripts, I've quite literally not done it at all. (You'll see that jokes are missing from this blog post.)

I have been taking improv classes over here in Melbourne, to get faster on my feet (for running away from my UK based wife), and I've also been losing weight. But that's not the point.

It was through my improv classes that I met comedian Elizabeth Davie. Elizabeth was about to start hosting a weekly current affairs-style show on C31, a Community Television channel here in Melbourne.

The show, Offbeat, is daily and broadcast live at 4.30pm. It's produced by students at RMIT (a Melbourne University). Elizabeth hosts the show on a Monday and asked for people to contribute material. In a fit of pure activity, I volunteered to write some comic material.

And so it came to pass that I have had some material read out on TV here in Australia.

So far, there have been two episodes broadcast live from an outside broadcast unit (14th September and 21st September), and I managed to get some material on the first episode (quite a bit - the Myki joke and some general news jokes), and a couple of lines on to the 2nd episode.

I'm procrastinating from writing material for episodes 3 and 4 (of 12 in the series) by writing this blog post.

See, procrastination rules!

Until next time!

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1Oct/140

September “Funnies”

Rather than see my "jokes" disappear into the social media ether, I thought I'd put them where they will never be lost. Or looked at.

Presenting a round up of all the jokes that I wrote in September:

  1. To all those starting back at school over the next week or so, can I just say: Ha ha.
  2. I'm optimistic about this month's horoscope. According to my horoscope, anyway.
  3. It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and World of Warcraft.
  4. I was nominated for the Ice Bucket Challenge. But I lost out to Meryl Streep. That woman wins everything.
  5. Just had my first lesson in being a Pick Up Artist. I stencilled a daisy on the hood. Tomorrow, a Hello Kitty on the tailgate.
  6. Q. Why didn't the bowler wear his spare pants?
    A. Because they had a 7 10 split.
  7. Would you like to know my hilarious owl stew recipe? It's a hoot and a half.
  8. The LibDems promise more free childcare, according to the BBC. Well, most of them will be unemployed after the next election, so it'll give them a reason to get up in the morning. http://m.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-29038263
  9. The air was cool. Not Fonzie cool. Milhouse cool.
  10. Placido Domingo to close the iTunes Festival. How? By clicking the X in the upper right hand corner, just like everybody else.
  11. Saw a Jeremy Vine interview. It lasted more than 6 seconds.
  12. Been watching a match on TV for 90 minutes. Nothing's happening. It's true what they say: It really isn't going to combust without some sandpaper.
  13. Future-proof your sandwiches by eating them today.
  14. I started up an Apple Watch, but all I got in the end was compost.
  15. Woke up feeling like one of the Seven Dwarfs. Not saying which one, but it's only 7.20am and I've already been sued for malpractice.
  16. Amazon have introduced "Fire" their first smartphone. It features Firefly technology. That means it'll be cancelled prematurely. Then turned into a film a few years later.
  17. Another Stephen King adaptation is heading to the CBS TV network. It's called "Under The Dome." And this time, it'll follow the plot of the book.
  18. If you think the iWatch or other smartwatches are a good idea, consider this: my smartwatch is very unhappy. According to his diary entries, anyway.
  19. I'm listening to Barenaked Ladies. The security in this Women only gym is very lax.
  20. If you added up all the time I've spent sat on the toilet, you probably need a more varied set of hobbies.
  21. My suit carrier is so lazy, he expects me to carry him.
  22. At the supermarket, getting some exercise in. For a big guy, this security guard is fast on his feet.
  23. There's runner beans in the kitchen. So far, they've refused to get me a latte. They'll never make it in the film industry with that attitude.
  24. Enjoyed a tumbler full of scotch until I got Batman's valeting bill.
  25. Just walked past the aptly named Still Fresh shelf in the supermarket. They're right. It pinched my bum.
  26. Sugar intake must be slashed, say scientists. What about all the poor sugar that studied hard at school? Now they'll all be fighting over fewer uni places.
  27. If you ever wonder to yourself "Will putting the car air conditioning on for a two hour car journey keep my sandwich edible and fresh at my destination?" I can tell you from experience, the answer is a resounding "NO."
  28. Sure, these baked beans claim to be in a rich tomato sauce, but if you ask them for a bit of money, they get really quiet.
  29. Got some big news today. My A0 printer arrived.
  30. Boss commended me for draping myself sexily on the office kitchen table last week. Apparently, lunch breaks have been drastically reduced since then.
  31. What do we want?
    An end to lethargy.
    When do we wa
  32. Took a walk while listening to "I'm Shipping Up To Boston." A rat ran across my path. I'm going to get shot by Matt Damon, aren't I?
  33. Just jumped a box at the gym. That'll teach it to not watch its back.
  34. Managed to do a 3 pointer on the basketball court. Subsequently, my car got towed.
  35. London Underground to operate a 24 hour tube service at the weekends from September 2015. No word yet on whether it will be a Saturday or a Sunday.
  36. ISIL crisis caused David Cameron to recall parliament. Sadly he could only remember Nick and that squirrely looking bloke.
  37. Got wolf-whistled at whilst on a rural stroll. Suppose it's what I get if I replace my jaunty autumnal jacket with bacon. Damn you, drycleaners.

Plus my Newsjack Series 11 Week 1 Oneliners

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. After the result of the Scottish vote, Apple to change the name of iCloud to nayCloud.
  2. Breaking News! Richard the Third’s skull.
  3. Political Change does come to Westminster, thanks to a new charity box in the House of Commons.
  4. Gordon Brown vows that Scottish powers will be delivered. But if Scotland aren’t in, they’ll be left with a neighbour, England. Or in a safe place, probably under that fake hill at the back of Edinburgh.
  5. Angelina Jolie to direct film on Ivory poaching, while Delia Smith will write the tie in cookbook. This should finally change the mind of those that like their ivory scrambled.
  6. It’s finally official: It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and World of Warcraft.

TV/RADIO LISTINGS:

  1. On BBC2 it’s Holmes Under The Hammer. This week, thanks to a booking mishap, Sherlock and MC Hammer have to share bunk beds.
  2. On Channel 5 at 8pm, it’s The Nightmare Neighbour Next Door. This week, Scotland just won’t keep the noise down.
  3. On the BBC, it’s Saturday Kitchen. This week, guest presenter Tony Blair praises the virtue of using ground troops, for those military chefs that don’t have time to let the enemy do it.
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16Jul/140

World Cup Wednesday Sketch 2: The Goalquel

It's Wednesday again.

It's no longer the World Cup.

So that can only mean it's time to unleash another World Cup themed sketch!

Get the 2nd sketch in PDF here.

Will I write another sketch about the World Cup now that's consigned to history?

Who knows?

But probably not.

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3May/140

News Punch 4!

A punchline of mine about Jeremy Paxman waving goodbye to Newsnight is featured in the latest edition of the Huffington Post's News Punch.

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26Mar/140

Radio Sketch: Patron Saint of MPs

Here is a sketch that I wrote for Series 10 episode 3 of Newsjack that didn't make it to air:

PATRON SAINT OF MPs
by Matt Fishwick

VOICE OVER:
For thousands of years, the political elite have faced hard questions.

THATCHER:
Am I for turning?

BLAIR:
Should we invade Iraq?

OBAMA:
Where exactly is Crimea anyway? Someone get me a map.

VOICE OVER:
But as every politician knows, they don’t have to face these questions alone. And now you don’t have to either, as we bring you the collected wisdom of Saint Guano, the patron Saint of MPs in a handy three volume set. Saint Guano was a politician who, after a pretty difficult debating session, as the legend goes, stood up and drove all the reasoning and common sense out of politics. And politics has been much more fruitful ever since. But the wisom in these pages doesn’t just apply to the Houses of Parliament that’ll help you decide to lower the tax rate for low and middle income earners, or voting whatever way you want to ignoring the will of your constituants, it can help you tackle every day quandries such as:

GIRL:
I’m hungry, mummy.

WOMAN:
I’m torn. These shoes are on sale for today only.

VOICE OVER:
But after a brief read of Saint Guano’s wisdom, you’ll be able to justify your choice:

WOMAN:
If I were to feed my daughter, she’d only be full for a day, but if I buy these shoes, I’ll be fashionable and stylish for a lifetime. Thanks Saint Guano, you saved my life.

GIRL:
I think I’m going to faint.

SFX: GIRL FAINTS AND LANDS ON FLOOR KNOCKING OVER SOME SORT OF SHOE DISPLAY

SALES ASSISTANT:
Will there be anything else today.

WOMAN:
Why not, she won’t need to eat for the rest of the day.

BOTH:
(laugh)

VOICE OVER:
Yes, this handy three volume series that can be yours for just 3 installments of 19.99 plus shipping, handling, and expenses for a second home when your first home is a trundle bed in your Aunt’s attic. Order yours today.

END

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26Mar/140

Radio Sketch: Supermarket Budget Cuts

Here is a sketch that I wrote for Series 10 episode 3 of Newsjack that didn't get on the air.

Supermarket Budget Cuts
by Matt Fishwick

EXECUTIVE #1:
Lads, come in. It’s great to see you. Ant.

ANT:
(Indistinguishable Geordie Babble).

EXECUTIVE #1:
Dec.

DEC:
(Indistinguishable Geordie Babble)?

EXECUTIVE #1:
Thanks for asking, My daughter’s fine.

ANT + DEC:
(positive)
(Indistinguishable Geordie Babble).

EXECUTIVE #1:
Look, lads. You’re aware that Morrisons posted a loss of £176m last year?

ANT + DEC:
(serious)
(Indistinguishable Geordie Babble).

EXECUTIVE #1:
Well I’m afraid that because of that loss, we can’t justify keeping you both on for future adverts. We’re going to have to let one of you go.

ANT:
(Indistinguishable Geordie Babble).

EXECUTIVE #1:
I know it comes as a shock. Believe me, if there were any way we could keep you both on, I would. If you have any ideas?

DEC:
(Indistinguishable Geordie Babble), and Text Santa to...

EXECUTIVE #1:
(interrupting)
Christmas was one of our worst periods. I doubt putting the entire Bromsgrove branch on Santa’s lap is going to boost sales. If maybe you could change the name of the show to Text Morrisons? And highlight all the good we could do with that money. Like pay our shareholders. Or maybe you could change the name of your other show to Ant and Dec’s Saturday Night M Kitchen Take-Away. We’ve got a brand new Tex Mex range that’s just screaming out for cross promotion. What do you say?

ANT:
(hesitant)
(Indistinguishable Geordie Babble).

EXECUTIVE #1:
Well, it was worth a try wasn’t it?

DEC:
(agreement)
(Indistinguishable Geordie Babble).

SFX: DOOR OPENS

EXECUTIVE #2:
Have you made your decision yet? (beat) Oh, sorry. I didn’t realise you were still in the meeting.

EXECUTIVE #1:
I haven’t decided. Look at you both. Your face s are so pretty. It’s like Sophie’s Choice.

ANT + DEC:
(agreement)
(Indistinguishable Geordie Babble).

EXECUTIVE #1:
I’m going to have to think about this a bit more. Maybe we can make some cuts elsewhere. Like removing herring from the Fish Counter.

EXECUTIVE #2:
Those herring sales are putting us in the red. Maybe we should start opening 24 hours.

EXECUTIVE #1:
We just need something with a bit of a hook. To get people interested again. We need a name that says what we stand for. A name that really says Morrisons “M” brand. I’ve got it!

SFX: INTERCOM BUZZ.

EXECUTIVE #1:
Susan, get me M Night Shamalan on the phone.

END

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19Mar/140

RADIO SKETCH: Men Aren’t From Mars

Hello all. Here's a sketch that I wrote for week 2 of series 10 of Newsjack. (It didn't get on the air.)

Men Aren't From Mars
by Matt Fishwick

HOST:
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Now not just the title to a book that my wife puts too much stock in, but now not even a scientific fact, which should finally put to rest the issue of those Americans that think Barack Obama shouldn’t be the US President. Here to discuss this new Neuroscience claim is expert Gina Marks.

GINA:
Men’s and women’s brains are not wired differently at all. The idea that women are able to multi-task while men aren’t is completely absurd. You’re able to multi-task by reading the script and talking at the same time. I’m just able to do it that little bit more believably because that’s what society expects from women.

HOST:
But recent studies have claimed...

GINA:
Let me just put my note cards down and just talk about this like two grown ups. Studies can claim anything if they have enough data. For example, did you know, that in a recent study of 100 people that have gained a PhD, 100% of those people are eligible to call themselves a Doctor? Even English Literature graduates. That’s just crazy. But my claims are 100% scientific based. I’ve brought two people along. This is Steve.

STEVE:
Hi.

GINA:
And this is Michelle.

MICHELLE:
Hello.

 GINA:
I’m going to prove the male brain and female brain are the same.

HOST:
I can’t see any problem with that.

SFX: BUZZ SAW

STEVE:
(screams)

HOST:
Oh, I did not see that coming.

MICHELLE:
Please, no. I have a child. I have a...

SFX: BUZZ SAW

MICHELLE:
(screams)

HOST:
I think I’m going to be sick.

GINA:
Multi-task. Breathe into this paper bag and don’t be sick.

SFX: BRAIN BEING REMOVED FROM HEAD (GOOEY)

GINA:
Can you tell whether this brain is from a man or a woman?

HOST:
(squeamish) You pulled it from Steve’s head.

GINA:
Okay, imagine I hadn’t done that. Well what about this one.

SFX: BRAIN BEING REMOVED FROM HEAD (GOOEY)

HOST:
(upset) That’s Michelle’s.

GINA:
Close your eyes. They both feel the same weight don’t they?

HOST:
(upset) Yes.

GINA:
And they both look the same?

HOST:
(upset) My eyes are closed.

GINA:
If we ask them some questions.

HOST:
But they’re both dead.

GINA:
Oh, you know what, I’ve totally put my index note cards in the wrong order. I’m always doing this. Chalk it up to being blonde. Can I come back next week and try again?

END

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26Feb/140

Sketch Writing Update – An Update!

I'm still writing sketches for both The Show What You Wrote and 4am Cab podcast.

So far I have 8 sketches written for TSWYW (with the deadline this Friday).

I have 3 sketches written for 4am Cab (deadline this Sunday).

Not only have I written these sketches but I'm also working on entries for these two short story competitions from the Australian Book Review and The Binnacle.

You've still time,so why not have a go at all 4 of them?

Until next time,

Keep writing.

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12Feb/140

Sketch Writing Update

I'm writing...

... This blog post...

... And more!

I'm in the process of writing some sketches for some shows that are inviting submissions at the moment. There is the 2nd series of The Show What You Wrote. (Which I got recorded for last series, but my sketch was cut in the edit, which means I didn't get paid for it.) And, after failure at that and failure in series 9 of Newsjack, I'm still chasing my 5th BBC credit. I've got about 20 ideas at the moment, but let's see if any of them turn into sketches. Fingers Crossed!

There is also series 3 of 4am Cab podcast. (I got a couple of sketches on the last series, so I'm hoping for more this time.)

Why not have a go at writing for them yourself.

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5Feb/140

Short Script: Angels

In November 2013, I entered the NYC Midnight 5 page screenplay competition.

The contestants had to write a 5 page screenplay in 48 hours, based on a genre in a primary location featuring a specific object. I was in group 20, and the following were my prompts for challenge 2:

Round 1 (December 13-15, 2013) Challenge 2 Entry for the NYC Midnight Short Screenplay Competiton.
Group 20
Genre: Historical Fiction
Location: A Prison Camp
Object: A Horse

Script in PDF format.

If anyone feels like making it, please let me know.

You can see my challenge 1 entry here.

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