I Love Matt Fishwick! Fiction and fun with Matt Fishwick

16Jul/140

World Cup Wednesday Sketch 2: The Goalquel

It's Wednesday again.

It's no longer the World Cup.

So that can only mean it's time to unleash another World Cup themed sketch!

Get the 2nd sketch in PDF here.

Will I write another sketch about the World Cup now that's consigned to history?

Who knows?

But probably not.

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25Jun/140

World Cup Wednesday Sketch

It's Wednesday.

It's the World Cup.

So that can only mean it's time to unleash a World Cup themed sketch.

Get the sketch in PDF here.

Goal, or some such thing.

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26Mar/140

Radio Sketch: Patron Saint of MPs

Here is a sketch that I wrote for Series 10 episode 3 of Newsjack that didn't make it to air:

PATRON SAINT OF MPs
by Matt Fishwick

VOICE OVER:
For thousands of years, the political elite have faced hard questions.

THATCHER:
Am I for turning?

BLAIR:
Should we invade Iraq?

OBAMA:
Where exactly is Crimea anyway? Someone get me a map.

VOICE OVER:
But as every politician knows, they don’t have to face these questions alone. And now you don’t have to either, as we bring you the collected wisdom of Saint Guano, the patron Saint of MPs in a handy three volume set. Saint Guano was a politician who, after a pretty difficult debating session, as the legend goes, stood up and drove all the reasoning and common sense out of politics. And politics has been much more fruitful ever since. But the wisom in these pages doesn’t just apply to the Houses of Parliament that’ll help you decide to lower the tax rate for low and middle income earners, or voting whatever way you want to ignoring the will of your constituants, it can help you tackle every day quandries such as:

GIRL:
I’m hungry, mummy.

WOMAN:
I’m torn. These shoes are on sale for today only.

VOICE OVER:
But after a brief read of Saint Guano’s wisdom, you’ll be able to justify your choice:

WOMAN:
If I were to feed my daughter, she’d only be full for a day, but if I buy these shoes, I’ll be fashionable and stylish for a lifetime. Thanks Saint Guano, you saved my life.

GIRL:
I think I’m going to faint.

SFX: GIRL FAINTS AND LANDS ON FLOOR KNOCKING OVER SOME SORT OF SHOE DISPLAY

SALES ASSISTANT:
Will there be anything else today.

WOMAN:
Why not, she won’t need to eat for the rest of the day.

BOTH:
(laugh)

VOICE OVER:
Yes, this handy three volume series that can be yours for just 3 installments of 19.99 plus shipping, handling, and expenses for a second home when your first home is a trundle bed in your Aunt’s attic. Order yours today.

END

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26Mar/140

Radio Sketch: Supermarket Budget Cuts

Here is a sketch that I wrote for Series 10 episode 3 of Newsjack that didn't get on the air.

Supermarket Budget Cuts
by Matt Fishwick

EXECUTIVE #1:
Lads, come in. It’s great to see you. Ant.

ANT:
(Indistinguishable Geordie Babble).

EXECUTIVE #1:
Dec.

DEC:
(Indistinguishable Geordie Babble)?

EXECUTIVE #1:
Thanks for asking, My daughter’s fine.

ANT + DEC:
(positive)
(Indistinguishable Geordie Babble).

EXECUTIVE #1:
Look, lads. You’re aware that Morrisons posted a loss of £176m last year?

ANT + DEC:
(serious)
(Indistinguishable Geordie Babble).

EXECUTIVE #1:
Well I’m afraid that because of that loss, we can’t justify keeping you both on for future adverts. We’re going to have to let one of you go.

ANT:
(Indistinguishable Geordie Babble).

EXECUTIVE #1:
I know it comes as a shock. Believe me, if there were any way we could keep you both on, I would. If you have any ideas?

DEC:
(Indistinguishable Geordie Babble), and Text Santa to...

EXECUTIVE #1:
(interrupting)
Christmas was one of our worst periods. I doubt putting the entire Bromsgrove branch on Santa’s lap is going to boost sales. If maybe you could change the name of the show to Text Morrisons? And highlight all the good we could do with that money. Like pay our shareholders. Or maybe you could change the name of your other show to Ant and Dec’s Saturday Night M Kitchen Take-Away. We’ve got a brand new Tex Mex range that’s just screaming out for cross promotion. What do you say?

ANT:
(hesitant)
(Indistinguishable Geordie Babble).

EXECUTIVE #1:
Well, it was worth a try wasn’t it?

DEC:
(agreement)
(Indistinguishable Geordie Babble).

SFX: DOOR OPENS

EXECUTIVE #2:
Have you made your decision yet? (beat) Oh, sorry. I didn’t realise you were still in the meeting.

EXECUTIVE #1:
I haven’t decided. Look at you both. Your face s are so pretty. It’s like Sophie’s Choice.

ANT + DEC:
(agreement)
(Indistinguishable Geordie Babble).

EXECUTIVE #1:
I’m going to have to think about this a bit more. Maybe we can make some cuts elsewhere. Like removing herring from the Fish Counter.

EXECUTIVE #2:
Those herring sales are putting us in the red. Maybe we should start opening 24 hours.

EXECUTIVE #1:
We just need something with a bit of a hook. To get people interested again. We need a name that says what we stand for. A name that really says Morrisons “M” brand. I’ve got it!

SFX: INTERCOM BUZZ.

EXECUTIVE #1:
Susan, get me M Night Shamalan on the phone.

END

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18Sep/130

Kirrin Island Podcast – Episode 5 – Writing Credit

Hey, it was finally released!

I got a writing credit on episode 5 of the Kirrin Island podcast.

I got a sketch on (although heavily rewritten), on the 111 Helpline alternative. Fun, eh? Well, you be the judge.

Anyway, download the podcast and view my writing credit here.

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