I Love Matt Fishwick! Fiction and fun with Matt Fishwick

2Apr/140

Radio Sketch: A TWITTER MARRIAGE by Matt Fishwick

Here's a sketch that I wrote for Series 10 episode 4 of Newsjack that didn't make it on the show:

A TWITTER MARRIAGE
by Matt Fishwick

HOST:
This past weekend Twitter was all aquiver with news of a marriage break up a mere two hours after the end of the ceremony. Newsjack was lucky enough to find the timelines of the bride and groom. Let’s take a look:

ATMOS: CHURCH

@rev4jesus:
@jaygroom84 Do you take @smoochypoo85 to be your wife?

@jaygroom84:
@rev4jesus @smoochypoo85 I do.

@rev4jesus:
@smoochypoo85 Do you take @jaygroom84 to be your husband?

@smoochypoo85:
@rev4jesus @jaygroom84 Oh my god, yes. Hashtag: Luckiest Girl In World. Make up Selfie.

SFX: CAMERA CLICK

@laurenluvscatz:
Retweet! @smoochypoo85 @jaygroom84 Congrats guys.

@jaygroom84:
Follow. Favourite.

@smoochypoo85:
@jaygroom84 How well do you know @laurenluvscatz?

@jaygroom84:
Unfavourite.

@smoochypoo85:
@jaygroom84 Seriously, how well?

@jaygroom84:
Unfollow.

@laurenluvscatz:
@jaygroom84 Don’t worry about @smoochypoo85, she’s well jelz.

@smoochypoo85:
@jaygroom84 Hashtag: divorce.

@smoochypoo85:
Can’t believe I’m single again. LOL. Sad face.

@rev4jesus:
@smoochypoo85 You OK hon?

END

20Mar/140

BBC Radio 4 Extra’s Newsjack – Series 10 Episode 3 – A Writing Credit

Series 10 is steaming ahead with week 3 being recorded last night and broadcast tonight. After getting nothing on the show last week, I'm back this week with another credit! 2nd of this series and 6th overall. I'm making it rain Licence Fee Money this series. Yay! And this credit is my 10th produced credit overall: 6 credits for Newsjack, 2 for Live From Kirrin Island and 2 for 4am Cab.

I got the "Congrats" email at 4.22pm this afternoon, but I've no idea what I got in. But it's cool that I got my 6th BBC writing credit. It's been 2 whole weeks since the last one on episode 1 of series 10.

You can see the episode page on the Newsjack website here.

Tune in to BBC Radio 4 Extra at 22:30 on Thursday 20 March 2014. Click here for the online streamy thing and click here for the podcast download (podcast episode available for 7 days after broadcast).

Here's a screenshot of the writing credits:

NJ-S10E3-20140320-Writing-Credit

ADDENDUM:

The joke used was my composer joke. Get the podcast for the next 7 days.

19Mar/140

RADIO SKETCH: Men Aren’t From Mars

Hello all. Here's a sketch that I wrote for week 2 of series 10 of Newsjack. (It didn't get on the air.)

Men Aren't From Mars
by Matt Fishwick

HOST:
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Now not just the title to a book that my wife puts too much stock in, but now not even a scientific fact, which should finally put to rest the issue of those Americans that think Barack Obama shouldn’t be the US President. Here to discuss this new Neuroscience claim is expert Gina Marks.

GINA:
Men’s and women’s brains are not wired differently at all. The idea that women are able to multi-task while men aren’t is completely absurd. You’re able to multi-task by reading the script and talking at the same time. I’m just able to do it that little bit more believably because that’s what society expects from women.

HOST:
But recent studies have claimed...

GINA:
Let me just put my note cards down and just talk about this like two grown ups. Studies can claim anything if they have enough data. For example, did you know, that in a recent study of 100 people that have gained a PhD, 100% of those people are eligible to call themselves a Doctor? Even English Literature graduates. That’s just crazy. But my claims are 100% scientific based. I’ve brought two people along. This is Steve.

STEVE:
Hi.

GINA:
And this is Michelle.

MICHELLE:
Hello.

 GINA:
I’m going to prove the male brain and female brain are the same.

HOST:
I can’t see any problem with that.

SFX: BUZZ SAW

STEVE:
(screams)

HOST:
Oh, I did not see that coming.

MICHELLE:
Please, no. I have a child. I have a...

SFX: BUZZ SAW

MICHELLE:
(screams)

HOST:
I think I’m going to be sick.

GINA:
Multi-task. Breathe into this paper bag and don’t be sick.

SFX: BRAIN BEING REMOVED FROM HEAD (GOOEY)

GINA:
Can you tell whether this brain is from a man or a woman?

HOST:
(squeamish) You pulled it from Steve’s head.

GINA:
Okay, imagine I hadn’t done that. Well what about this one.

SFX: BRAIN BEING REMOVED FROM HEAD (GOOEY)

HOST:
(upset) That’s Michelle’s.

GINA:
Close your eyes. They both feel the same weight don’t they?

HOST:
(upset) Yes.

GINA:
And they both look the same?

HOST:
(upset) My eyes are closed.

GINA:
If we ask them some questions.

HOST:
But they’re both dead.

GINA:
Oh, you know what, I’ve totally put my index note cards in the wrong order. I’m always doing this. Chalk it up to being blonde. Can I come back next week and try again?

END

6Mar/144

BBC Radio 4 Extra’s Newsjack – Series 10 Episode 1 – A Writing Credit

Newsjack's back for another series (the 10th) of nailbiting nervousness from wannabe comedy writers. Starting with episode 1 tonight at 10.30pm on BBC Radio 4 Extra.

And lucky for me, because my nails are already short, I got something in the show.

I got the "Congrats" email at 4.30pm this afternoon, but I've no idea what I got in. But it's cool that I got my 5th BBC writing credit. Almost 12 months since the last one on episode 6 of series 8. (I didn't have any luck with series 9 last autumn, though I did post a lot of my one liners.)

You can see the episode page on the Newsjack website here.

Tune in to BBC Radio 4 Extra at 22:30 on Thursday 6 March 2014. Click here for the online streamy thing and click here for the podcast download (podcast episode available for 7 days after broadcast).

Here's a screenshot of my credit:

Partial Writing Credits for Series 10, episode 1

Addendum: The material they used was my McIlroy one liner. Get the direct podcast link here (valid for 7 days from 6 March 2014).

21Mar/130

Newsjack: Series 8 Episode 6 – A Writing Credit

That's right, I've got another credit on the BBC.

I have a Newsjack Writing Credit on Series 8, episode 6.

This is my fourth on the credit show after Series 6 episode 6, Series 7 episode 1 and exactly a calendar month after Series 8 Episode 2.

Amazingly, I've managed to make the recording script for 50% of all shows this series. A credit in episode 2, cut from the final edit in episode 3, and now a credit in the final show of the 8th series. I'm really happy. I think my writing is improving. Well I hope it is.

Tune in to BBC Radio 4 Extra at 22:30 on Thursday 21 March. Click here for the online streamy thing and click here for the podcast download (podcast episode available for 7 days after broadcast).

Get the Podcast file here, while you still can, and listen to my Pope Mass JackApp!

21Feb/130

Newsjack: Series 8 Episode 2 – A Writing Credit

That's right, I managed to distract the gate keepers at the BBC long enough to scurry into to the offices and deposit a load of jokes.

For I have a Newsjack Writing Credit on Series 8, episode 2.

This is my third credit after Series 6, episode 6 and Series 7, episode 1. And even more exciting than that, the episode after my last credit, they started reading out the writing credits at the end of the show. So I might even hear my name on the radio!

Only another 8 or so credits to go and I've got my Licence fee money for 2013 back.

So, only a week after Valentines Day, let my joke(s) be the soundtrack to your lovemaking. Tune in to BBC Radio 4 Extra at 22:30 on Thursday 21 February. Click here for the online streamy thing and click here for the podcast download (podcast episode available for 7 days after broadcast).

Download the podcast directly here while the link lasts!

2Jan/130

SKETCH: The New Pet

Happy New Year! (Again!) I'll bet you're already sick of hearing it, aren't you? Well I'm sick of writing it. So that makes to of us. And I was only trying to be nice, you inconsiderate bastard.

Pleasantries aside, onto today's blog post, which you're reading right now. Convenient, no?

So it's just after New Year, you might have said somethings over the past week or so, to get the kids to be quiet and give you some rest, before you cave in and rush out and get the little munchkins that pet they've always wanted, you might want to read this.

The New Pet
A Sketch for Radio by Matt Fishwick

MUM
Hey Jason, come here your Dad’s got a surprise for you.

BOY
What is it, Dad?

DAD
Listen.

FX: SCRATCHING AT A DOOR

BOY
Oh, I can’t believe it. I’m really getting a puppy?

DAD
Your constant pleading was a very subtle hint, so…

FX: A DOOR OPENING

BARNEY
(Clearly a grown man)
Woof.

DAD
Ta Da! Say hello to Barney.

MUM
Give him a stroke.

BOY
It’s a smelly man. I can see something crawling on him.

MUM
Be nice, Jason. We can get him de-flea-ed later. You have to expect things like that. He’s homeless after all.

BARNEY
Not any more.

DAD
That’s right, Barney. Not anymore. Your ship’s come in. Or, more appropriately, your semi-detached’s come in.

BOY
Mum, you’re not serious?

MUM
Like an outbreak of TB under a motorway overpass.

DAD
Son, we know you don’t work hard. We’ve seen your school reports. Despite all your many, many short comings, legally, I’m obliged to love you. If you had a real puppy, I’d end up looking after it. This is the best solution. I don’t need to walk Barney every day, or clear his mess off the front lawn. He can do that himself.

BARNEY
I wouldn’t count on it.

DAD
We can negotiate on that point later. And that’s another thing you can’t do with an actual puppy. Negotiate.

BOY
I don’t want him. I wanted a real puppy.

BARNEY
Got a dog basket with my name on it, I’m never leaving.

MUM
See, he’s like a pet and built in babysitter. Speaking of babysitting, we’re off to the new Salsa night. Bye.

FX: A DOOR CLOSING

BARNEY
So, do you want to see my scar?

BOY
(hesitant)
Okay.

FX: A CLOTHES ZIPPER BEING UNDONE

As usual, any feedback you have on this sketch, please do let me know. (Good notes or bad.)

Until next time,

Matt.

26Dec/120

SKETCH: Bedroom Stenographer

Hello there, people! If you're like me, you're probably in a state of drunkeness after Christmas Day yesterday. What better way to unwind on this, the most Boxingy* of Boxing Days than with a sketch I wrote earlier in the year?**

Bedroom Stenographer
A Sketch for Radio by Matt Fishwick.

BEN
(Out of breath and satisfied)
That was wonderful.

ANNA
(Not entirely convinced)
Yeah, I’ve got something to tell you.
(beat)
I’ve hired a stenographer.

BEN
I didn’t know you were interested in drawing maps.

ANNA
I’m not. That’s a cartographer. A stenographer is someone who takes notes during court.

BEN
Are we breaking up?

ANNA
Well...

BEN
Why?

ANNA
Sometimes we say something in the heat of passion that we don’t really mean.
(beat)
Like milk.

BEN
What’s milk got to do with anything?

ANNA
The other night, in the heat of the moment you said you’d get some milk and you didn’t. You know how I get when I don’t have my Frosties. My whole day was thrown off. Tonight you said you’d take the rubbish out. Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

BEN
I was trying to distract myself. I don’t always remember what I’m saying. I could’ve said anything in that moment.

ANNA
And that’s why I’ve hired a stenographer. So we can read back what we’ve said and be accountable for our actions.

BEN
Would this stenographer be around all the time?

ANNA
It’s just at night when we seem to have a problem.

BEN
I’m not sure I like that idea.

ANNA
You’re mother said it worked wonders for her relationship. Charlie and your mother are much more in tune with one another now.

BEN
I don’t want to know. Even if it had nothing to do with my mum, I can’t imagine stenographer’s are cheap. I thought we were saving up for a deposit?

ANNA
But they’re so happy. I just want that for us. But it’s ok. You don’t need to worry. I got a free trial offer so we can see if it works for us.

BEN
So you went ahead and already got a stenographer? Are they here now?

FX: CUPBOARD DOOR CREAKES OPEN

BEN
Mum?

MUM
Hello, darling. I have a few notes.

Remember, kids any feedback you'd like to give will be greatly appreciated.

Matt.

* It's been scientifically proven, with 8 out of 10 Amazon.co.uk warehouse packers agreeing. (Who are all, not coincidentally, called Helen.)
** If you're in the USA, you probably have to go to work. No public holiday for you.

19Dec/120

SKETCH: Whiskers McMillan – Kitten Detective

Back in August as part of my sketch writing course, I wrote a sketch. Here it is:

WHISKERS McMILLAN: KITTEN DETECTIVE
by Matt Fishwick

INT. OFFICE - DAY

WHISKERS McMILLAN sits at a desk in an office reminiscent of a 1940s detective. He has his feet up on his desk and is drinking milk from a shot glass. The bottle remains half empty on the desk.

WHISKERS McMILLAN (VO)
It was a day like any other, starting with a voice over. I hadn't had any luck in the case department. It seems they won't sell you luggage if you have no means of paying for it. And apparently, the term store credit doesn't just mean getting a case for free in exchange for promotional consideration. So I had come back to the office in the hopes of landing a client, the lack of fishing equipment was hampering my progress. And the lawsuit that was hanging over my head was deceptively heavy. Especially as they didn't securely fasten it to the roof. I was just looking for money so I could pay the Bill that was about to break me...

Cut to a shot of BILL looking menacing. He pounds his fist into his palm shaking his head. Whiskers looks a little scared.

WHISKERS McMILLAN (VO)
...and then the Fred that was just threatening my sanity.

Pan from Bill to a shot of FRED looking even more menacing.

FRED
I'm going to destroy your psyche, man. 'til you're nothing but a crumbling wreck.

Whiskers looks a little scared. He turns his head away. Whiskers looks at a "Hang In There, Baby" cat poster in a photo frame on his desk and then takes a shot of milk.

WHISKERS McMILLAN (VO)
"Hang In There, Baby." (derisory laugh) Not likely since my last case was an abject failure. I don't know why I keep a photo of it on my desk.

There is a noise on the landing outside the office door. The door opens and JENNIFER enters, throwing a net over WHISKERS.

JENNIFER
Thank god I caught you the office. It's my kitten, he's been missing for hours.

WHISKERS McMILLAN (VO)
It seems that leaving the net outside my office door to dry was not such a smart idea after all. I really should have gone for the full service down at the laundromat, but at least it saved me a quarter.

WHISKERS McMILLAN removes the net, pours another shot of milk.

WHISKERS McMILLAN
I don't do that any more, Ma'am.

JENNIFER
Jennifer.

WHISKERS McMILLAN
I don't do that any more, Jennifer. Not since the incident.

JENNIFER
I came to you because you're the best within a two block radius of my apartment, Whiskers. It says so right here on your business card.

Jennifer puts the business card down on the counter.

WHISKERS McMILLAN (VO)
The dame obviously hadn't checked the back of the card. That side says I'm a licensed German philosopher's chiropractor. I was going after the Nietzsche market, but since he died before I got the license, the middle dropped out and now it's just a Niche market.

WHISKERS McMILLAN
I was putting a picture frame from Ikea together and I accidentally got a kitten trapped in there. (tosses picture frame to Jennifer) Does that look like the best to you?

JENNIFER
Well you got all of him in the frame. We're losing time. It's cold out there on those mean streets. He might even be trapped in some garbage can.

WHISKERS MCMILLAN
He'll be fine. He'll have his squeaker toy and be home when he's ready. You'll hear the squeaker.

JENNIFER slams a squeaker toy down on the desk.

WHISKERS MCMILLAN
Alright, ma'am. You got yourself a deal. We'll need a hard target search of every catnip store and scratching post in a ten block radius. Can you give me a description?

JENNIFER
Yes.

WHISKERS MCMILLAN
(notes this down on a pad)
Why Eee Esss. It isn't much.

JENNIFER
There's more. I can tell you what colour he is.

WHISKERS MCMILLAN
That won't make any difference.

JENNIFER
Are you colour blind?

WHISKERS MCMILLAN
If that's another way of saying not racist, then yes, I am.

JENNIFER
Even if you aren't racist, his colour is still important. He's white with black marks around the eyes. He answers to the name Barney.

WHISKERS MCMILLAN
That's far more informative that your first description. Perhaps you should have lead with that. (beat) I'm going to go out there and find your kitten.

FRED
You'll never do it!

WHISKERS MCMILLAN
Quiet, you.

Whiskers opens the drawer to his desk. He takes out a tin of tuna, and looks at it with satisfaction.

JENNIFER
You don't have time to eat.

WHISKERS MCMILLAN
Realistically, I do. He's probably been sold into kitten prostitution by now. But I'm going through these motions for the love of a beautiful woman.

JENNIFER
I'm married.

WHISKERS MCMILLAN
Then I'm doing this for the friendship of a beautiful woman that will eventually lead to something more that we know is wrong, but the mental image of our glistening bodies together will be too much to resist.

JENNIFER
Oh my god. That's it. I'll find someone else.

WHISKERS MCMILLAN
Then I'm doing this, so that I can afford a can opener. I'm hungry. Does your kitten have access to a can opener?

JENNIFER
If this will make you go any faster, yes. Now get out there and find him.

WHISKERS MCMILLAN
Then I'll be back within the hour. I'll bring him back alive, or my name isn't Barney the kitten.

Whiskers exits.

JENNIFER
(shouting after Whiskers)
But it isn't...
(to Fred)
I'm not really married, you know.

FRED
I am.

END SKETCH.

As always, feedback welcome.

29Aug/120

SKETCH: Weed Killer

I wrote another sketch the other week. Here it is:

WEED KILLER
by Matt Fishwick

1. EXT. GARDEN - EARLY MORNING

The dawn chorus. Dressed in pajamas, a HOMEOWNER steps out on the lawn and yawns. The HOMEOWNER looks over at the SOLD sign at the edge of the garden with satisfaction. The HOMEOWNER takes down the SOLD sign. The HOMEOWNER looks at the neighbour's garden and notices that the grass is full of WEEDS. The HOMEOWNER shakes their head in disgust. The HOMEOWNER bends down to collect a morning NEWSPAPER, but as they do so, they notice:

A WEED, poking out of the ground.

The HOMEOWNER looks horrified. The HOMEOWNER pulls the weed out of the ground and throws it away. Tucking the newspaper under their arm, the HOMEOWNER does a symbolic dusting of the hands.

2. EXT. GARDEN - THE NEXT DAY - EARLY MORNING

The dawn chorus. Dressed in pajamas, the HOMEOWNER steps out on the lawn and yawns. They bend down to collect a morning NEWSPAPER, but as they do so, they notice:

TWO WEEDS poking out of the ground.

The HOMEOWNER looks around, noticing more and more WEEDS over the garden. The HOMEOWNER reaches down and squeezes the WEED but it has no effect.

3. INT. GARDEN CENTRE - LATER

An ASSISTANT stands spritzing some plants with water. The HOMEOWNER enters carrying some items.

ASSISTANT
Welcome to Garden City. The heart of the garden in the wilds of the City. How can I help you today?

HOMEOWNER
(nervously looking around)
I'm looking for a removal expert.

ASSISTANT
Well, you might not have come to the right place.

HOMEOWNER
No, I want someone who's an expert of getting out of certain situations.

ASSISTANT
You've already walked though a door. Maybe if you walk back out, your problems will be over.

HOMEOWNER
I'm looking for something that kills weeds.

ASSISTANT
(looking around)
I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about.

HOMEOWNER
There are weeds in my neighbours grass and they're coming over to my lawn.

ASSISTANT
(nervous laugh)
I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about.

The ASSISTANT beckons the HOMEOWNER closer.

ASSISTANT
(whisper)
Certainly. We have an array of weed killers. From feed additives, sprays and for those really stubborn weeds, we have Carlos.

MUSIC CUE: Carlos theme.

HOMEOWNER
Carlos?

MUSIC CUE: Carlos theme.

ASSISTANT
Carlos...

MUSIC CUE: Carlos theme.

ASSISTANT
...is the Garden City Assassin.

HOMEOWNER
What's that music?

INSERT: A shot of a MAN (CARLOS), holding a recorder.

ASSISTANT
That's Carlos. He's almost a grade two in the recorder.

HOMEOWNER
I thought you said he was a weed assassin?

ASSISTANT
He is. But he's a Renaissance man. He isn't just about those really stubborn "weeds" that just don't get the message, he'll also provide ambiance music for any social situation.

HOMEOWNER
That's great. I need someone to make them disappear.

ASSISTANT
And what kind of music do you want? Salsa is proving very popular these days.

HOMEOWNER
No! It's just weeds in the grass. I don't need a soundtrack with it.

INSERT: A shot of a MAN (CARLOS), looking sad and hanging his head in a Charlie Brown-esque manner.

HOMEOWNER
(picks up a product)
What about this?

INSERT: Homeowner picks up a can of "Round Up" in close up.

HOMEOWNER
(reading label)
Round Up.

ASSISTANT
We can have Carlos wear a cowboy hat, if that'll help?

HOMEOWNER
I just want the weeds gone. I've tried everything.

ASSISTANT
Not everything.

The ASSISTANT hands HOMEOWNER a BUSINESS CARD. The HOMEOWNER takes it but looks hesitant.

ASSISTANT
Okay, you don't look convinced. We can set it up so that you don't get implicated. It'll be fine. You'll have an alibi.

HOMEOWNER
That could work. What sort of alibi?

ASSISTANT
Maybe you could be out shopping, or at a recorder recital. Carlos has one coming up.

HOMEOWNER
No, no recorder music.

4. EXT. GARDEN - THE NEXT DAY - EARLY MORNING

The dawn chorus. The HOMEOWNER steps out on the lawn and yawns. The HOMEOWNER is immediately wrestled to the ground by TWO DETECTIVES.

There is a WEED pulled up out of the ground with a CHALK OUTLINE around it. A message to the other weed that is still in the ground.

The still living weed has been joined by two smaller weeds, as though they have come to watch and grieve over the body of the dead dad weed.

The whole place is reminiscent of CSI.

The detectives stand up, picking up the homeowner. Detective #1 keeps hold of the Homeowner.

MUSIC CUE: Carlos theme.

In the background there is a man (CARLOS) dressed as a cowboy with a clearly fake mustache hiding behind a potted plant. He is wearing gloves. He takes two cans of Round Up out of his belt holster. He sprays another set of weeds before drops them to the ground and kicks them along the ground to the detectives.

Carlos then does an awkward commando roll across the lawn unseen by the Homeowner and detectives.

HOMEOWNER
What's going on? Who are you?

Carlos does another awkward commando roll across the lawn unseen by the Homeowner and detectives.

DETECTIVE #1
You're under arrest for Murder one.

Carlos then does a final awkward commando roll across the lawn unseen by the Homeowner and detectives and is now out of shot.

HOMEOWNER
Murder? Who?

DETECTIVE #2
Weeds. The most upstanding weed in the community. Very involved in charitable efforts.

Detective Two turns and spots the Round Up cans on the ground.

DETECTIVE #2
Looks like we even have the murder weapon.

HOMEOWNER
No that can't be. I was framed.

MUSIC CUE: Carlos theme.

HOMEOWNER
I was at a recorder recital! Can't you hear it? I have a business card. Check the business card.

DETECTIVE #1
It's an open and shut case if your prints are on those cans.

Detective #1 leads the homeowner away.

DETECTIVE #2
(takes a pair of sunglasses out of his pocket and puts them on)
Looks like we got to the root of this problem.

MUSIC CUE: "YYYYYYYYYeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhh" - The Who.

END SKETCH.

Hope you liked it. Any feedback is welcome as always.