I Love Matt Fishwick! Fiction and fun with Matt Fishwick

13Aug/140

Writing Credit: 4am CAB Podcast – Series 3, Episode 5

My credits go all the way up to 11 now! I scored another writing credit on something that I had no control over.

That's right, I got a sketch in the 5th episode of 4am CAB's 3rd series after getting a couple of credits for series 2 back in the grand old days of yor (aka 2013).

You can see my name up in pixels here.

You can listen to my words in your ears (performed by other people) here.

The episode is called "The Future?"

What does the future hold for me? (Other than this, of course.)

Hopefully more writing credits. With episode 6 of Kirrin Island due for release at some point (which I wrote a couple of sketches for) and another episode remaining in this series of 4am CAB, I hope I've got a shot. (Unless none of my sketches make the final edit, in which case forget I mentioned this.)

Oh, and series 11 of Newsjack is back in the last week of September, too. (According to people at the British Comedy Guide Forum.)

Let's see what happens!

30Apr/140

RADIO SKETCH: Nuisance Calls Report

This is a sketch that I submitted to Newsjack Series 10 Week 5 that didn't make it into the programme. It's probably my favourite sketch that I wrote over the entirety of series 10.

NUISANCE CALLS REPORT
by Matt Fishwick

SFX: BATHTUB FILLS WITH WATER, TAPS TURN OFF.

ROMESH:
And now we come to a new segment on Newsjack called the relaxation zone.

SFX: WATER SPLASH AS ROMESH SITS IN BATH.

ROMESH:
Ow, hot. Each week, we’ll look at some of the news stories that have caused people to relax...

SFX: PHONE RINGS

ROMESH:
...to relax and....

SFX: PHONE RINGS

ROMESH:
... to relax... (annoyed) Can somebody get that? Pippa?

SFX: PHONE RINGS

PIPPA:
(distant) I’m just off out with Loretta, bye!

SFX: MUFFLED FRONT DOOR SLAM

ROMESH:
Morgana?

MORGANA:
You’re not my real dad. Get out the bath and make me.

SFX:FEET STOMPING ACROSS FLOOR, BEDROOM DOOR SLAM.

ROMESH:
Lewis?

LEWIS:
I’m entertaining a lady. (beat) Is this your card?

LADY:
Oh my god, yes!

SFX: PHONE RINGS

ROMESH:
(annoyed) I’ll get it myself then.

SFX: ROMESH EXITS BATH, FEET ON FLOOR, PICKS UP PHONE

ROMESH:
(annoyed) Hello?

CALLER:
Hello, you have been specially selected to receive our in depth news report on the planned crackdown on nuisance phone calls.

ROMESH:
Look, I was in the bath. This isn’t a good time. Goodbye.

SFX:PUTS DOWN PHONE

SFX:PHONE RINGS

ROMESH:
Hel-

CALLER:
Are you sure it isn’t a good time?

ROMESH:
Yes.

CALLER:
I mean, really sure? Like 100% sure?

ROMESH:
Yes. I’m sure. I’m 110% sure.

CALLER:
We both know that’s impossible.

ROMESH:
Okay, I am 100% sure.

CALLER:
Because if you’re just 95% sure we can divulge our report to you.

ROMESH:
No. Goodbye.

SFX: PUTS DOWN PHONE

ROMESH:
I can’t believe I’m bothered by all these calls. If only the government would crackdown on them. We could do a report about it on the show. (beat). Oh.

END.

2Apr/140

Radio Sketch: A TWITTER MARRIAGE by Matt Fishwick

Here's a sketch that I wrote for Series 10 episode 4 of Newsjack that didn't make it on the show:

A TWITTER MARRIAGE
by Matt Fishwick

HOST:
This past weekend Twitter was all aquiver with news of a marriage break up a mere two hours after the end of the ceremony. Newsjack was lucky enough to find the timelines of the bride and groom. Let’s take a look:

ATMOS: CHURCH

@rev4jesus:
@jaygroom84 Do you take @smoochypoo85 to be your wife?

@jaygroom84:
@rev4jesus @smoochypoo85 I do.

@rev4jesus:
@smoochypoo85 Do you take @jaygroom84 to be your husband?

@smoochypoo85:
@rev4jesus @jaygroom84 Oh my god, yes. Hashtag: Luckiest Girl In World. Make up Selfie.

SFX: CAMERA CLICK

@laurenluvscatz:
Retweet! @smoochypoo85 @jaygroom84 Congrats guys.

@jaygroom84:
Follow. Favourite.

@smoochypoo85:
@jaygroom84 How well do you know @laurenluvscatz?

@jaygroom84:
Unfavourite.

@smoochypoo85:
@jaygroom84 Seriously, how well?

@jaygroom84:
Unfollow.

@laurenluvscatz:
@jaygroom84 Don’t worry about @smoochypoo85, she’s well jelz.

@smoochypoo85:
@jaygroom84 Hashtag: divorce.

@smoochypoo85:
Can’t believe I’m single again. LOL. Sad face.

@rev4jesus:
@smoochypoo85 You OK hon?

END

20Mar/140

BBC Radio 4 Extra’s Newsjack – Series 10 Episode 3 – A Writing Credit

Series 10 is steaming ahead with week 3 being recorded last night and broadcast tonight. After getting nothing on the show last week, I'm back this week with another credit! 2nd of this series and 6th overall. I'm making it rain Licence Fee Money this series. Yay! And this credit is my 10th produced credit overall: 6 credits for Newsjack, 2 for Live From Kirrin Island and 2 for 4am Cab.

I got the "Congrats" email at 4.22pm this afternoon, but I've no idea what I got in. But it's cool that I got my 6th BBC writing credit. It's been 2 whole weeks since the last one on episode 1 of series 10.

You can see the episode page on the Newsjack website here.

Tune in to BBC Radio 4 Extra at 22:30 on Thursday 20 March 2014. Click here for the online streamy thing and click here for the podcast download (podcast episode available for 7 days after broadcast).

Here's a screenshot of the writing credits:

NJ-S10E3-20140320-Writing-Credit

ADDENDUM:

The joke used was my composer joke. Get the podcast for the next 7 days.

19Mar/140

RADIO SKETCH: Men Aren’t From Mars

Hello all. Here's a sketch that I wrote for week 2 of series 10 of Newsjack. (It didn't get on the air.)

Men Aren't From Mars
by Matt Fishwick

HOST:
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Now not just the title to a book that my wife puts too much stock in, but now not even a scientific fact, which should finally put to rest the issue of those Americans that think Barack Obama shouldn’t be the US President. Here to discuss this new Neuroscience claim is expert Gina Marks.

GINA:
Men’s and women’s brains are not wired differently at all. The idea that women are able to multi-task while men aren’t is completely absurd. You’re able to multi-task by reading the script and talking at the same time. I’m just able to do it that little bit more believably because that’s what society expects from women.

HOST:
But recent studies have claimed...

GINA:
Let me just put my note cards down and just talk about this like two grown ups. Studies can claim anything if they have enough data. For example, did you know, that in a recent study of 100 people that have gained a PhD, 100% of those people are eligible to call themselves a Doctor? Even English Literature graduates. That’s just crazy. But my claims are 100% scientific based. I’ve brought two people along. This is Steve.

STEVE:
Hi.

GINA:
And this is Michelle.

MICHELLE:
Hello.

 GINA:
I’m going to prove the male brain and female brain are the same.

HOST:
I can’t see any problem with that.

SFX: BUZZ SAW

STEVE:
(screams)

HOST:
Oh, I did not see that coming.

MICHELLE:
Please, no. I have a child. I have a...

SFX: BUZZ SAW

MICHELLE:
(screams)

HOST:
I think I’m going to be sick.

GINA:
Multi-task. Breathe into this paper bag and don’t be sick.

SFX: BRAIN BEING REMOVED FROM HEAD (GOOEY)

GINA:
Can you tell whether this brain is from a man or a woman?

HOST:
(squeamish) You pulled it from Steve’s head.

GINA:
Okay, imagine I hadn’t done that. Well what about this one.

SFX: BRAIN BEING REMOVED FROM HEAD (GOOEY)

HOST:
(upset) That’s Michelle’s.

GINA:
Close your eyes. They both feel the same weight don’t they?

HOST:
(upset) Yes.

GINA:
And they both look the same?

HOST:
(upset) My eyes are closed.

GINA:
If we ask them some questions.

HOST:
But they’re both dead.

GINA:
Oh, you know what, I’ve totally put my index note cards in the wrong order. I’m always doing this. Chalk it up to being blonde. Can I come back next week and try again?

END

6Mar/144

BBC Radio 4 Extra’s Newsjack – Series 10 Episode 1 – A Writing Credit

Newsjack's back for another series (the 10th) of nailbiting nervousness from wannabe comedy writers. Starting with episode 1 tonight at 10.30pm on BBC Radio 4 Extra.

And lucky for me, because my nails are already short, I got something in the show.

I got the "Congrats" email at 4.30pm this afternoon, but I've no idea what I got in. But it's cool that I got my 5th BBC writing credit. Almost 12 months since the last one on episode 6 of series 8. (I didn't have any luck with series 9 last autumn, though I did post a lot of my one liners.)

You can see the episode page on the Newsjack website here.

Tune in to BBC Radio 4 Extra at 22:30 on Thursday 6 March 2014. Click here for the online streamy thing and click here for the podcast download (podcast episode available for 7 days after broadcast).

Here's a screenshot of my credit:

Partial Writing Credits for Series 10, episode 1

Addendum: The material they used was my McIlroy one liner. Get the direct podcast link here (valid for 7 days from 6 March 2014).

21Mar/130

Newsjack: Series 8 Episode 6 – A Writing Credit

That's right, I've got another credit on the BBC.

I have a Newsjack Writing Credit on Series 8, episode 6.

This is my fourth on the credit show after Series 6 episode 6, Series 7 episode 1 and exactly a calendar month after Series 8 Episode 2.

Amazingly, I've managed to make the recording script for 50% of all shows this series. A credit in episode 2, cut from the final edit in episode 3, and now a credit in the final show of the 8th series. I'm really happy. I think my writing is improving. Well I hope it is.

Tune in to BBC Radio 4 Extra at 22:30 on Thursday 21 March. Click here for the online streamy thing and click here for the podcast download (podcast episode available for 7 days after broadcast).

Get the Podcast file here, while you still can, and listen to my Pope Mass JackApp!

21Feb/130

Newsjack: Series 8 Episode 2 – A Writing Credit

That's right, I managed to distract the gate keepers at the BBC long enough to scurry into to the offices and deposit a load of jokes.

For I have a Newsjack Writing Credit on Series 8, episode 2.

This is my third credit after Series 6, episode 6 and Series 7, episode 1. And even more exciting than that, the episode after my last credit, they started reading out the writing credits at the end of the show. So I might even hear my name on the radio!

Only another 8 or so credits to go and I've got my Licence fee money for 2013 back.

So, only a week after Valentines Day, let my joke(s) be the soundtrack to your lovemaking. Tune in to BBC Radio 4 Extra at 22:30 on Thursday 21 February. Click here for the online streamy thing and click here for the podcast download (podcast episode available for 7 days after broadcast).

Download the podcast directly here while the link lasts!

2Jan/130

SKETCH: The New Pet

Happy New Year! (Again!) I'll bet you're already sick of hearing it, aren't you? Well I'm sick of writing it. So that makes to of us. And I was only trying to be nice, you inconsiderate bastard.

Pleasantries aside, onto today's blog post, which you're reading right now. Convenient, no?

So it's just after New Year, you might have said somethings over the past week or so, to get the kids to be quiet and give you some rest, before you cave in and rush out and get the little munchkins that pet they've always wanted, you might want to read this.

The New Pet
A Sketch for Radio by Matt Fishwick

MUM
Hey Jason, come here your Dad’s got a surprise for you.

BOY
What is it, Dad?

DAD
Listen.

FX: SCRATCHING AT A DOOR

BOY
Oh, I can’t believe it. I’m really getting a puppy?

DAD
Your constant pleading was a very subtle hint, so…

FX: A DOOR OPENING

BARNEY
(Clearly a grown man)
Woof.

DAD
Ta Da! Say hello to Barney.

MUM
Give him a stroke.

BOY
It’s a smelly man. I can see something crawling on him.

MUM
Be nice, Jason. We can get him de-flea-ed later. You have to expect things like that. He’s homeless after all.

BARNEY
Not any more.

DAD
That’s right, Barney. Not anymore. Your ship’s come in. Or, more appropriately, your semi-detached’s come in.

BOY
Mum, you’re not serious?

MUM
Like an outbreak of TB under a motorway overpass.

DAD
Son, we know you don’t work hard. We’ve seen your school reports. Despite all your many, many short comings, legally, I’m obliged to love you. If you had a real puppy, I’d end up looking after it. This is the best solution. I don’t need to walk Barney every day, or clear his mess off the front lawn. He can do that himself.

BARNEY
I wouldn’t count on it.

DAD
We can negotiate on that point later. And that’s another thing you can’t do with an actual puppy. Negotiate.

BOY
I don’t want him. I wanted a real puppy.

BARNEY
Got a dog basket with my name on it, I’m never leaving.

MUM
See, he’s like a pet and built in babysitter. Speaking of babysitting, we’re off to the new Salsa night. Bye.

FX: A DOOR CLOSING

BARNEY
So, do you want to see my scar?

BOY
(hesitant)
Okay.

FX: A CLOTHES ZIPPER BEING UNDONE

As usual, any feedback you have on this sketch, please do let me know. (Good notes or bad.)

Until next time,

Matt.

26Dec/120

SKETCH: Bedroom Stenographer

Hello there, people! If you're like me, you're probably in a state of drunkeness after Christmas Day yesterday. What better way to unwind on this, the most Boxingy* of Boxing Days than with a sketch I wrote earlier in the year?**

Bedroom Stenographer
A Sketch for Radio by Matt Fishwick.

BEN
(Out of breath and satisfied)
That was wonderful.

ANNA
(Not entirely convinced)
Yeah, I’ve got something to tell you.
(beat)
I’ve hired a stenographer.

BEN
I didn’t know you were interested in drawing maps.

ANNA
I’m not. That’s a cartographer. A stenographer is someone who takes notes during court.

BEN
Are we breaking up?

ANNA
Well...

BEN
Why?

ANNA
Sometimes we say something in the heat of passion that we don’t really mean.
(beat)
Like milk.

BEN
What’s milk got to do with anything?

ANNA
The other night, in the heat of the moment you said you’d get some milk and you didn’t. You know how I get when I don’t have my Frosties. My whole day was thrown off. Tonight you said you’d take the rubbish out. Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

BEN
I was trying to distract myself. I don’t always remember what I’m saying. I could’ve said anything in that moment.

ANNA
And that’s why I’ve hired a stenographer. So we can read back what we’ve said and be accountable for our actions.

BEN
Would this stenographer be around all the time?

ANNA
It’s just at night when we seem to have a problem.

BEN
I’m not sure I like that idea.

ANNA
You’re mother said it worked wonders for her relationship. Charlie and your mother are much more in tune with one another now.

BEN
I don’t want to know. Even if it had nothing to do with my mum, I can’t imagine stenographer’s are cheap. I thought we were saving up for a deposit?

ANNA
But they’re so happy. I just want that for us. But it’s ok. You don’t need to worry. I got a free trial offer so we can see if it works for us.

BEN
So you went ahead and already got a stenographer? Are they here now?

FX: CUPBOARD DOOR CREAKES OPEN

BEN
Mum?

MUM
Hello, darling. I have a few notes.

Remember, kids any feedback you'd like to give will be greatly appreciated.

Matt.

* It's been scientifically proven, with 8 out of 10 Amazon.co.uk warehouse packers agreeing. (Who are all, not coincidentally, called Helen.)
** If you're in the USA, you probably have to go to work. No public holiday for you.