I Love Matt Fishwick! Fiction and fun with Matt Fishwick

2Apr/140

Radio Sketch: A TWITTER MARRIAGE by Matt Fishwick

Here's a sketch that I wrote for Series 10 episode 4 of Newsjack that didn't make it on the show:

A TWITTER MARRIAGE
by Matt Fishwick

HOST:
This past weekend Twitter was all aquiver with news of a marriage break up a mere two hours after the end of the ceremony. Newsjack was lucky enough to find the timelines of the bride and groom. Let’s take a look:

ATMOS: CHURCH

@rev4jesus:
@jaygroom84 Do you take @smoochypoo85 to be your wife?

@jaygroom84:
@rev4jesus @smoochypoo85 I do.

@rev4jesus:
@smoochypoo85 Do you take @jaygroom84 to be your husband?

@smoochypoo85:
@rev4jesus @jaygroom84 Oh my god, yes. Hashtag: Luckiest Girl In World. Make up Selfie.

SFX: CAMERA CLICK

@laurenluvscatz:
Retweet! @smoochypoo85 @jaygroom84 Congrats guys.

@jaygroom84:
Follow. Favourite.

@smoochypoo85:
@jaygroom84 How well do you know @laurenluvscatz?

@jaygroom84:
Unfavourite.

@smoochypoo85:
@jaygroom84 Seriously, how well?

@jaygroom84:
Unfollow.

@laurenluvscatz:
@jaygroom84 Don’t worry about @smoochypoo85, she’s well jelz.

@smoochypoo85:
@jaygroom84 Hashtag: divorce.

@smoochypoo85:
Can’t believe I’m single again. LOL. Sad face.

@rev4jesus:
@smoochypoo85 You OK hon?

END

Bookmark and Share
26Mar/140

Radio Sketch: Patron Saint of MPs

Here is a sketch that I wrote for Series 10 episode 3 of Newsjack that didn't make it to air:

PATRON SAINT OF MPs
by Matt Fishwick

VOICE OVER:
For thousands of years, the political elite have faced hard questions.

THATCHER:
Am I for turning?

BLAIR:
Should we invade Iraq?

OBAMA:
Where exactly is Crimea anyway? Someone get me a map.

VOICE OVER:
But as every politician knows, they don’t have to face these questions alone. And now you don’t have to either, as we bring you the collected wisdom of Saint Guano, the patron Saint of MPs in a handy three volume set. Saint Guano was a politician who, after a pretty difficult debating session, as the legend goes, stood up and drove all the reasoning and common sense out of politics. And politics has been much more fruitful ever since. But the wisom in these pages doesn’t just apply to the Houses of Parliament that’ll help you decide to lower the tax rate for low and middle income earners, or voting whatever way you want to ignoring the will of your constituants, it can help you tackle every day quandries such as:

GIRL:
I’m hungry, mummy.

WOMAN:
I’m torn. These shoes are on sale for today only.

VOICE OVER:
But after a brief read of Saint Guano’s wisdom, you’ll be able to justify your choice:

WOMAN:
If I were to feed my daughter, she’d only be full for a day, but if I buy these shoes, I’ll be fashionable and stylish for a lifetime. Thanks Saint Guano, you saved my life.

GIRL:
I think I’m going to faint.

SFX: GIRL FAINTS AND LANDS ON FLOOR KNOCKING OVER SOME SORT OF SHOE DISPLAY

SALES ASSISTANT:
Will there be anything else today.

WOMAN:
Why not, she won’t need to eat for the rest of the day.

BOTH:
(laugh)

VOICE OVER:
Yes, this handy three volume series that can be yours for just 3 installments of 19.99 plus shipping, handling, and expenses for a second home when your first home is a trundle bed in your Aunt’s attic. Order yours today.

END

Bookmark and Share
26Mar/140

Radio Sketch: Supermarket Budget Cuts

Here is a sketch that I wrote for Series 10 episode 3 of Newsjack that didn't get on the air.

Supermarket Budget Cuts
by Matt Fishwick

EXECUTIVE #1:
Lads, come in. It’s great to see you. Ant.

ANT:
(Indistinguishable Geordie Babble).

EXECUTIVE #1:
Dec.

DEC:
(Indistinguishable Geordie Babble)?

EXECUTIVE #1:
Thanks for asking, My daughter’s fine.

ANT + DEC:
(positive)
(Indistinguishable Geordie Babble).

EXECUTIVE #1:
Look, lads. You’re aware that Morrisons posted a loss of £176m last year?

ANT + DEC:
(serious)
(Indistinguishable Geordie Babble).

EXECUTIVE #1:
Well I’m afraid that because of that loss, we can’t justify keeping you both on for future adverts. We’re going to have to let one of you go.

ANT:
(Indistinguishable Geordie Babble).

EXECUTIVE #1:
I know it comes as a shock. Believe me, if there were any way we could keep you both on, I would. If you have any ideas?

DEC:
(Indistinguishable Geordie Babble), and Text Santa to...

EXECUTIVE #1:
(interrupting)
Christmas was one of our worst periods. I doubt putting the entire Bromsgrove branch on Santa’s lap is going to boost sales. If maybe you could change the name of the show to Text Morrisons? And highlight all the good we could do with that money. Like pay our shareholders. Or maybe you could change the name of your other show to Ant and Dec’s Saturday Night M Kitchen Take-Away. We’ve got a brand new Tex Mex range that’s just screaming out for cross promotion. What do you say?

ANT:
(hesitant)
(Indistinguishable Geordie Babble).

EXECUTIVE #1:
Well, it was worth a try wasn’t it?

DEC:
(agreement)
(Indistinguishable Geordie Babble).

SFX: DOOR OPENS

EXECUTIVE #2:
Have you made your decision yet? (beat) Oh, sorry. I didn’t realise you were still in the meeting.

EXECUTIVE #1:
I haven’t decided. Look at you both. Your face s are so pretty. It’s like Sophie’s Choice.

ANT + DEC:
(agreement)
(Indistinguishable Geordie Babble).

EXECUTIVE #1:
I’m going to have to think about this a bit more. Maybe we can make some cuts elsewhere. Like removing herring from the Fish Counter.

EXECUTIVE #2:
Those herring sales are putting us in the red. Maybe we should start opening 24 hours.

EXECUTIVE #1:
We just need something with a bit of a hook. To get people interested again. We need a name that says what we stand for. A name that really says Morrisons “M” brand. I’ve got it!

SFX: INTERCOM BUZZ.

EXECUTIVE #1:
Susan, get me M Night Shamalan on the phone.

END

Bookmark and Share
19Mar/140

RADIO SKETCH: Men Aren’t From Mars

Hello all. Here's a sketch that I wrote for week 2 of series 10 of Newsjack. (It didn't get on the air.)

Men Aren't From Mars
by Matt Fishwick

HOST:
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Now not just the title to a book that my wife puts too much stock in, but now not even a scientific fact, which should finally put to rest the issue of those Americans that think Barack Obama shouldn’t be the US President. Here to discuss this new Neuroscience claim is expert Gina Marks.

GINA:
Men’s and women’s brains are not wired differently at all. The idea that women are able to multi-task while men aren’t is completely absurd. You’re able to multi-task by reading the script and talking at the same time. I’m just able to do it that little bit more believably because that’s what society expects from women.

HOST:
But recent studies have claimed...

GINA:
Let me just put my note cards down and just talk about this like two grown ups. Studies can claim anything if they have enough data. For example, did you know, that in a recent study of 100 people that have gained a PhD, 100% of those people are eligible to call themselves a Doctor? Even English Literature graduates. That’s just crazy. But my claims are 100% scientific based. I’ve brought two people along. This is Steve.

STEVE:
Hi.

GINA:
And this is Michelle.

MICHELLE:
Hello.

 GINA:
I’m going to prove the male brain and female brain are the same.

HOST:
I can’t see any problem with that.

SFX: BUZZ SAW

STEVE:
(screams)

HOST:
Oh, I did not see that coming.

MICHELLE:
Please, no. I have a child. I have a...

SFX: BUZZ SAW

MICHELLE:
(screams)

HOST:
I think I’m going to be sick.

GINA:
Multi-task. Breathe into this paper bag and don’t be sick.

SFX: BRAIN BEING REMOVED FROM HEAD (GOOEY)

GINA:
Can you tell whether this brain is from a man or a woman?

HOST:
(squeamish) You pulled it from Steve’s head.

GINA:
Okay, imagine I hadn’t done that. Well what about this one.

SFX: BRAIN BEING REMOVED FROM HEAD (GOOEY)

HOST:
(upset) That’s Michelle’s.

GINA:
Close your eyes. They both feel the same weight don’t they?

HOST:
(upset) Yes.

GINA:
And they both look the same?

HOST:
(upset) My eyes are closed.

GINA:
If we ask them some questions.

HOST:
But they’re both dead.

GINA:
Oh, you know what, I’ve totally put my index note cards in the wrong order. I’m always doing this. Chalk it up to being blonde. Can I come back next week and try again?

END

Bookmark and Share
24Jul/100

Newsjack Off!

So about eight or nine weeks ago as my introduction to improv course was drawing to a close, I made the decision that I would stop procrasinating and try my hand at writing sketch comedy.

Earlier in the year (February), I happened across a Writing Opportunity on the BBC Writer's Room website. It was for a Radio Sketch Series entitled Newsjack, a satirical look at topical events in the UK and around the globe.

In the past I had only attempted sketches sporadically, and had never actually got as far as an ending I liked. By the time I saw the announcement on the site, there was four weeks left in the current series. I gave it a go. Half-heartedly, admittedly. I think that I attempted about three sketches over the remainder of the series. But, as usual with my writing, one of three things happened: I never finished it, it went way over the recommended length, or it just didn't have any funny lines in it. On at least two occassions, a combination of all three. The third did have some funny stuff in, but I probably just subconsciously stole that from Keith Chegwin. So the tale ends with me not submitting anything that series.

Flash forward a couple of months (though not in the US TV Series style, because I haven't been cancelled yet, despite the desires of several people and my constant low ratings) and I found myself at the Manchester Comedy Store for the Improv course, having just finished Script Frenzy (something else script related that never gets finished - Sorry, "That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore", you're time may come yet, honest!) and I was surrounded by people who liked comedy like I did, but weren't as crap at improv as I turned out to be.

While waiting for the class to begin one day, a few of us started talking with the Comedy Sportz UK head honcho about sketch comedy, Saturday Night Live, Second City, and a few other shows. This discussion was sparked because like the sketch comedy poser that I am, I was reading "The Second City Unscripted: Revolution and Revelation at the World-Famous Comedy Theater". What can I say, I like attention, and I gained a few friends out of it, so it paid off in the end. Anyway, the Head Honcho informed us that she was thinking of doing a sketch writing course. I immediately signed up, thinking that this could be the kick in the pants I needed to see my writing things through.

At the same time, I saw on the BBC Writer's Room that Series 3 of Newsjack would begin broadcasting on Thursday 17th June 2010 for six weeks, until 22nd July 2010. I resolved that this would be the series of Newsjack that I would actually submit something to the show. It would also give me an opportunity to get a little better and not embarrass myself in front of people I would actually meet and get feedback from.

For the first show, I managed to write a sketch and a few one lines and a couple of corrections (see the Newsjack page for an explanation of what they are). They didn't get picked for the show.

For the second show, I managed to write two sketches, and a few one lines. They didn't get picked for the show.

For the third show, I managed to write two sketches, a few one lines and some corrections. They didn't get picked for the show.

For the fourth show, I managed to write three sketches, a few one lines and some corrections. They didn't get picked for the show.

For the fifth show, I struggled to write a sketch (but I did it), a few one lines and some corrections. They didn't get picked for the show.

For the sixth and final show (this past week), I resolved to go all out and really give it my best. If this part of my life were to be made into a movie, this is where the "training" montage would kick in.

I wrote 2, in my own opinion, great sketches, 10 one liners and a couple of corrections.

I emailed them in and nervously waited for the deadline.

And waited.

And...

They didn't get on.

"Boo! Hiss! He's behind you!" I hear you cry.

Okay, so while I haven't become a professional writer in this past six weeks, I have learned a few valuable lessons:

Firstly, I have learned to finish a sketch. Yay! A big acheivement for me.

Secondly, I have submitted material to someone. And not just someone, to the BBC! At least I'll be able to tell someone's kids about it one day, even if they do say "What's the BBC? And why aren't you wearing any pants?"

Thirdly, I have developed a thicker skin with regards to rejection. I got rejected six weeks in a row. Okay, so the rejection wasn't complete rejection, because I never actually heard back from the BBC. I could be a laughing stock within the BBC, but I won't know about it. As it says on the Newsjack site:

It is a showcase for new comedy writing so anyone can submit material. We accept sketches and short jokes every week of the six week run. The best submissions will make it into the 28 minute show. All submissions will be read but sadly, due to the overwhelming number of entries, we do not have time to give feedback to most people.

With that in mind, I can now say that I am now one of the many rather than one of the few. So, at least I have Spock in my corner, when it comes to this sort of thing.

Fourthly, despite being rejected, I feel that I am gaining momentum with my writing. I say momentum, because for this past six weeks I have been writing regularly. After submissions closed for the final show, and while I was waiting to hear back from the producers (I've always wanted to say that: "Oh, I'm just waiting for feedback from the producer"), I decided to start writing a short story that I will enter into a competition. After all, what's the worst they're going to do? That's right, say no and ridicule my penis.

On top of all that, I feel that I haven't let my brain turn to mush since the end of the improv course. This blog post alone is over 1000 words and I have that Sketch Writing Workshop starting on 31st July 2010.

Hopefully, I will be a sketch genius after this course.

So look out, BBC!

Look out, Newsjack!

I'm going to be writing for Series 4...

...And this time, it's personal!

Bookmark and Share