I Love Matt Fishwick! Fiction and fun with Matt Fishwick

30Apr/140

RADIO SKETCH: Nuisance Calls Report

This is a sketch that I submitted to Newsjack Series 10 Week 5 that didn't make it into the programme. It's probably my favourite sketch that I wrote over the entirety of series 10.

NUISANCE CALLS REPORT
by Matt Fishwick

SFX: BATHTUB FILLS WITH WATER, TAPS TURN OFF.

ROMESH:
And now we come to a new segment on Newsjack called the relaxation zone.

SFX: WATER SPLASH AS ROMESH SITS IN BATH.

ROMESH:
Ow, hot. Each week, we’ll look at some of the news stories that have caused people to relax...

SFX: PHONE RINGS

ROMESH:
...to relax and....

SFX: PHONE RINGS

ROMESH:
... to relax... (annoyed) Can somebody get that? Pippa?

SFX: PHONE RINGS

PIPPA:
(distant) I’m just off out with Loretta, bye!

SFX: MUFFLED FRONT DOOR SLAM

ROMESH:
Morgana?

MORGANA:
You’re not my real dad. Get out the bath and make me.

SFX:FEET STOMPING ACROSS FLOOR, BEDROOM DOOR SLAM.

ROMESH:
Lewis?

LEWIS:
I’m entertaining a lady. (beat) Is this your card?

LADY:
Oh my god, yes!

SFX: PHONE RINGS

ROMESH:
(annoyed) I’ll get it myself then.

SFX: ROMESH EXITS BATH, FEET ON FLOOR, PICKS UP PHONE

ROMESH:
(annoyed) Hello?

CALLER:
Hello, you have been specially selected to receive our in depth news report on the planned crackdown on nuisance phone calls.

ROMESH:
Look, I was in the bath. This isn’t a good time. Goodbye.

SFX:PUTS DOWN PHONE

SFX:PHONE RINGS

ROMESH:
Hel-

CALLER:
Are you sure it isn’t a good time?

ROMESH:
Yes.

CALLER:
I mean, really sure? Like 100% sure?

ROMESH:
Yes. I’m sure. I’m 110% sure.

CALLER:
We both know that’s impossible.

ROMESH:
Okay, I am 100% sure.

CALLER:
Because if you’re just 95% sure we can divulge our report to you.

ROMESH:
No. Goodbye.

SFX: PUTS DOWN PHONE

ROMESH:
I can’t believe I’m bothered by all these calls. If only the government would crackdown on them. We could do a report about it on the show. (beat). Oh.

END.

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12Mar/140

Radio Sketch: SAMSUNG GALAXY S5 1ST IMPRESSIONS

Here is a sketch for Series 10 Episode 1 of Newsjack that I submited that didn't make it to the show:

SAMSUNG GALAXY S5 1ST IMPRESSIONS
by Matt Fishwick.

GRAMS: TECH SHOW STYLE MUSIC INTRO

JANE:
Technology: it’s all around us. And sometimes, depending upon how lonely we are, inside us, too. With that in mind, our own Technology correspondant, Lewis Jones, gives us a report on the new Samsung smart phone, the Galaxy S5.

LEWIS:
As you know, I love talking to people, just not face to face, which is why smartphones are perfect for me. It’s still human contact, but I don’t have people staring at me making me nervous.

JANE:
The whole Internet is a buzz with the newly released details, can you give us your first impressions?

LEWIS:
It’s 145g and it doesn’t look too bulky in your pocket, so now if people compliment that bulge in your pocket, they’re probably talking about your penis. For example, just say something nice about my pants.

JANE
Um, they’re very nice.

LEWIS SFX: ROBOTIC “THANK YOU”

 LEWIS:
See that was the phone talking. It’s so advanced it knows a compliment when it hears it.

JANE:
Does it have any other “advanced” features?

LEWIS:
Let me take your picture.

LEWIS SFX: ROBOTIC “SAY CHEESE”

LEWIS SFX: ROBOTIC “CLICK”

LEWIS:
Beautiful high resolution picture. It’s something I’ll treasure until I run out of phone memory, which thanks to this handy memory card slot won’t be for while, or we stop talking and I have to delete because it brings back too many painful memories. (beat) But it also has sepia mode.

LEWIS SFX: OLD TIMEY “SAY CHEESE”

LEWIS SFX: OLD TIMEY “CLICK”

JANE:
All phones these days have cameras. What about security?

LEWIS:
It has fingerprint recognition. If I run my finger over the sensor:

LEWIS SFX: ROBOTIC “YOU HAVE SUCH SOFT SKIN. ACCESS GRANTED.”

LEWIS:
And not only that, if I run my fingernail over it the other way, the phone will give me a manicure.

LEWIS SFX: ROBOTIC “SO ARE YOU GOING AWAY THIS YEAR? BE CAREFUL OF MY ROAMING CHARGES.”

JANE:
These features seem a little too good to be true. But tell me, can I still download all my favourite chart music and use it as a ringtone?

LEWIS:
Yes, you can use any public domain song you like.

JANE:
Public domain?

LEWIS:
Yes, we can’t afford the rights to broadcast any music since we spent all the production budget getting me a phone.

JANE:
Can I at least hold the phone?

LEWIS:
I don’t have one.

JANE:
Why not?

LEWIS:
I had a tip for a dead cert at the bookies. Well, I thought I did. I can’t believe that you didn’t realise I wasn’t holding a phone.

JANE:
You know I don’t like looking at you anymore after the incident.

LEWIS:
I’ve apologised for that already. Look, if it’ll make you feel any better, if I had a smart phone, I’d send you an e-card. But I don’t. Because as I said but a moment ago, I gambled all the production budget away. Also, I stopped at the casino on the way in. And I gambled away your car.

JANE:
That’s it Lewis. I’m never speaking to you again. I’m going home.

SFX: FOOTSTEPS WALK AWAY

LEWIS:
(calling after) I’ve left you a bus timetable in your dressing room. (beat) Your welcome! (beat) (to himself) At least I’ve still got that picture of her in my head.

END

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