I Love Matt Fishwick! Fiction and fun with Matt Fishwick

3Apr/130

An Update On My Recent Writing

Hello there, unsuspecting victim. I mean, valued blog hit.

It's been a fair old busy time as of late in the fiction department. (That's what I call my bedroom when there are no ladies in it.) And I thought that I'd give you a little list of all the different shows that I have submitted to recently and a little update about each one.

Newsjack

In February and March, I've submitted to all 6 episodes of the 8th series of BBC Radio 4 Extra's Topical Sketch Show. And this series I've had my highest hit rate to date. In series 8, my material was recorded in 50% of the episodes (S08E2, S08E3 and S08E6) and ended up making the final broadcast in 2 of those instances (S08E2 and S08E6).

Here is a breakdown of my submission record for each series:

Series 8 (br. 14th Feb - 21st Mar 2013), 6 episodes: 2 - 1 - 3.

Series 7 (br. 20th Sep - 25th Oct 2012), 6 episodes: 1 - 0 - 5.

Series 6 (br. 23rd Feb - 29th Mar 2012), 6 episodes: 1 - 0 - 5.

Series 5 (br. 15th Sep - 20th Oct 2011), 6 episodes: 0 - 1 - 5.

Series 4 (br. 10th Feb - 17th Mar 2011), 6 episodes: 0 - 0 - 6.

Series 3 (br. 17th Jun - 22nd Jul 2010), 6 episodes: 0 - 0 - 6.

Total record:

Series 3 to series 8 (2010 - 2013), 36 episodes: 4 - 2 - 30.

(Key: Broadcast Credit - cut for time email - nothing used.)

The Show What You Wrote

At the end of March the deadline for another BBC Radio open door sketch show closed. The show will have 5 episodes each around a different theme. Originally it had a deadline of the start of March and I managed to submit 9 sketches in total and several one liners for each show. I wrote 6 sketches on my own and co-wrote three with my friend Cat Furniss. I haven't heard back from them yet (if at all) but then it is only a few days past the extended deadline.

4am Cab

This is a non topical dark comic podcast that I submitted a couple of sketches to an episode last year, but they didn't get on. (I got some nice feedback off one of the writers, though). This time out, the submision schedule changed and instead of soliciting material for each episode, it was required before the start of series 2. Because I had so much other stuff to do, I only managed to write one sketch to submit (though it did consist of 4 parts). I'm hoping that when I write anything else vaguely 4am Cab-ish that I'll be able to pop in on a pile and have a healthy stack of them to submit to series 3 (Or in the event that they open the submission door in this series.)

Live from Kirrin Island

This is a semi topical podcast that does occassional episodes throughout the year. I actually got a credit on an episode, but my stuff was cut out before the podcast was finalised. I only started working on this after Newsjack had finished, but with the deadline being 10 days after the last episode of Newsjack, I was able to write a few one liners for it and a sketch.

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21Mar/130

Newsjack: Series 8 Episode 6 – A Writing Credit

That's right, I've got another credit on the BBC.

I have a Newsjack Writing Credit on Series 8, episode 6.

This is my fourth on the credit show after Series 6 episode 6, Series 7 episode 1 and exactly a calendar month after Series 8 Episode 2.

Amazingly, I've managed to make the recording script for 50% of all shows this series. A credit in episode 2, cut from the final edit in episode 3, and now a credit in the final show of the 8th series. I'm really happy. I think my writing is improving. Well I hope it is.

Tune in to BBC Radio 4 Extra at 22:30 on Thursday 21 March. Click here for the online streamy thing and click here for the podcast download (podcast episode available for 7 days after broadcast).

Get the Podcast file here, while you still can, and listen to my Pope Mass JackApp!

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28Feb/130

Newsjack Series 8 Episode 3 Cut For Time

This week I submitted to Newsjack, and tonight I received an email.

I made the script... Yay!

But then my stuff was cut in the edit after the recording... Boo.

But I think it means I'm getting better. (Well, not as good as last week, but still.)

Two weeks on the trot I've made the script. If this continues, I'll be happy because at least it shows I have improved as a writer.

Here's to trying to make the episode 4 script and the broadcast itself.

Until then, why not check out Newsjack Series 8 Episode 3 tonight at 10:30pm on BBC Radio 4 Extra and listen to the material that was better received by the audience than my stuff.

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21Feb/130

Newsjack: Series 8 Episode 2 – A Writing Credit

That's right, I managed to distract the gate keepers at the BBC long enough to scurry into to the offices and deposit a load of jokes.

For I have a Newsjack Writing Credit on Series 8, episode 2.

This is my third credit after Series 6, episode 6 and Series 7, episode 1. And even more exciting than that, the episode after my last credit, they started reading out the writing credits at the end of the show. So I might even hear my name on the radio!

Only another 8 or so credits to go and I've got my Licence fee money for 2013 back.

So, only a week after Valentines Day, let my joke(s) be the soundtrack to your lovemaking. Tune in to BBC Radio 4 Extra at 22:30 on Thursday 21 February. Click here for the online streamy thing and click here for the podcast download (podcast episode available for 7 days after broadcast).

Download the podcast directly here while the link lasts!

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25Oct/120

Newsjack Record To Date

Tonight's episode of Newsjack brings series 7 to a close after 6 episodes.

It also marks the 30th episode I have submitted material to. I've submitted material to every episode since series 3 episode 1.

Since I didn't get an email today about the final episode of series 7, I can safely say that none of the 5 one liners I submitted made the script to be recorded. (If your stuff is recorded you receive an email on Thursday after the final edit has been completed. The email will either say one of two things: Your stuff was recorded but cut for time or your material made the final edit. In neither instance do they let you know what material made the script.)

Here is a breakdown of my submission record for each series:

Series 7 (br. 20th Sep - 25th Oct 2012), 6 episodes: 1 - 0 - 5.

Series 6 (br. 23rd Feb - 29th Mar 2012), 6 episodes: 1 - 0 - 5.

Series 5 (br. 15th Sep - 20th Oct 2011), 6 episodes: 0 - 1 - 5.

Series 4 (br. 10th Feb - 17th Mar 2011), 6 episodes: 0 - 0 - 6.

Series 3 (br. 17th Jun - 22nd Jul 2010), 6 episodes: 0 - 0 - 6.

Total record:

Series 3 to series 7 (2010 - 2012), 30 episodes: 2 - 1 - 27.

(Key: Broadcast Credit - cut for time email - nothing used.)

I'm pleased that I was able to get a second overall credit this series, but I'll be honest and say that I was hoping for 2 credits this series as it would indicate that at least I was improving and writing more of the kind of material that they wanted. But a credit is a credit, and a 6.67% success rate is better than nothing at all. And the only way to get better is to keep going.

So let's see if I can increase my 2 credits (S06E06 and S07E01) in series 8 next February.

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19Oct/12Off

Friday “Funnies” (Friday 12th to Thursday 18th October 2012)

Rather than see my "jokes" disappear into the social media ether, I thought I'd put them where they will never be lost. Or looked at.

Presenting a round up of all the jokes that I wrote this week:

  1. Sometimes I like to pretend I'm a bald man in denial by going out wearing a hat.
  2. My girlfriend always complains that I don't make time for her. So I built her a wristwatch.
  3. I just clogged a toilet. Though in my defence, I hate bare feet.
  4. It's National Boss Day in the US. This means that I can claim my longer lunch break because mine was on holiday, as a tribute, and not pure laziness.

And the fourth week of throwing topical material at BBC Radio 4 Extra for Newsjack yeilded the following:

  1. (Spanish Accent) I don’t know why the council is upset with my restoration job of those cows. I only ask myself What Would Monkey Jesus Do? And I did it. It’s what he would have wanted.
  2. Fearless Felix has jumped from the edge of space. I’ll have to find out what they’re feeding him. My cat doesn’t even like jumping off the sofa.
  3. I heard that Virgin are interested in taking over some RBS branches. It’ll be the first time that there’s been a Virgin in Scotland since Susan Boyle embarked on her world tour.
  4. Virgin Money’s had informal contact with RBS over the purchase of 300 branches in a move that some are claiming should prevent the bank from referring to themselves as “Virgin” because back passage manoeuvring still counts.
  5. Manchester United footballer Ryan Tunnicliffe has been charged with driving with Excess alcohol. When reached for comment, the midfielder said “The booze was from Tesco, not Essex.”
  6. Scientists claim there’s faecal matter on over 25% of our hands. Well, I put two fingers up to that theory.

With one more week of Newsjack to go, let's see if I can add to my credit on episode 1.

See you next week for more hilarity, or check my Twitter feed and see me "live" tweet them.

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12Oct/120

Friday “Funnies” (Friday 5th to Thursday 11th October 2012)

Rather than see my "jokes" disappear into the social media ether, I thought I'd put them where they will never be lost. Or looked at.

Presenting a round up of all the jokes that I wrote this week:

  1. I didn't write any non topical jokes this week!

And I didn't really write any funny topical material for Newsjack because none of the following made it into the script:

  1. I read Finnish research that said tomatoes prevent strokes in men. I thought I’d give it a try, so I covered myself in tomatoes before I went to bed, but my husband’s really into it. I just want an uninterrupted night’s sleep, Finland. Is that too much to ask?
  2. A hotel guest that fled without paying his bill was tracked down using DNA found on the toothbrush he left behind. “I told you cleaning teeth would be nothing but trouble,” said a smug nearby five-year-old.
  3. A democrat candidate for a US senate seat’s been attacked by the Republican campaign for having a World of Warcraft character. In response to the recent massacre of virtual characters in some of the game's cities, the candidate promised to push through online health insurance known as Ogrecare.
  4. I just found out that the Syria Intelligence Complex bombed. I’m not surprised. It probably should have used more knob gags.
  5. (teen) Surrey University is to receive funding for a 5G innovation centre? In my day, you needed 4A star grades to get into university, innit Blood.
  6. (drunk) I don’t care for the recent report that says middle class people drink too much and it hampers the ability to parent. But if I didn’t drink, I probably wouldn’t have let him touch me in the first place.
  7. The Physics Nobel prize has gone to the development of Quantum Optics. I don’t drink that much, so I’m happy with my plastic ones.
  8. The ICC is considering venues for the trial of Saif al-Islam Gaddafi. Finally, cricket gets interesting. I hope he plays for Yorkshire.
  9. You know who I feel sorry for in all this? Hugh Dennis.
  10. Last week we reported on a man winning a cockroach eating competition. After several days study we can now reveal that he is preparing to moult for his next life stage, aka he’s dead. Newsjack apologises for being startled when we turned on the light and hitting him repeatedly with a shoe.

And there we have it. Have you submitted to Newsjack this week? What did you think?

See you next week for more hilarity, or check my Twitter feed and see me "live" tweet them.

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3Oct/120

Newsjack Contributor Contract 2: The Contributioning

That's right, kids. A mere week after I got something broadcast on BBC Radio 4 Extra's Flagship Topical Comedy Show "Newsjack" I received the contribution agreement in the post:

image

Yay. Now that this short blog post is out the way I can get back to working on my submission packet for next week's show.

One thing I will say, in addition to this, is that I listened to the podcast for episode 2 (First broadcast Thursday September 27th, 2012), and I noticed that they actually read out the writers credits on the podcast. Last week they only had it on the website. This means I'm definitely going to have to get something else on the show in order to hear my name read out on the BBC. So sorry, 15 year old neighbor, our secret trip to France is off for another week.

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28Sep/120

Friday “Funnies” (Friday 21st to Thursday 27th September 2012)

Rather than see my "jokes" disappear into the social media ether, I thought I'd put them where they will never be lost. Or looked at.

Presenting a round up of all the jokes that I wrote this week:

  1. Q. What TV gameshow does a disinterested Jim Bowen host?
    A. Bullsigh.
  2. Q. What's the loneliest shot in baseball?
    A. A single.
  3. Tonight I have been mainly standing behind the peep hole in my hotel room, asking passersby through the door "Did you bring my chicken nuggets?" in a Miss Havesham-esque tone. I have no chicken nuggets.
  4. In a Toby Carvery. Eating Roast Turkey Dinner whilst being judged by the adults at the next table. #ChildhoodChristmasFlashback.
  5. Q. Which band are most adept at following a dietry regime?
    A. Green Day.
  6. Was just told to burn a DVD, so I put it down with an ace "Your Mama" joke: "Your Mama's so fat, she has the capacity of a Reel to Reel tape."
  7. Saw myself naked in the bathroom mirror. I got a little chubby.
  8. Q. How do you introduce your Grandad's ex-wives to a superhero?
    A. Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Batman!
  9. Q. How do you alert an elderly relative to the presence of a superhero?
    A. Nana, Nana, Nana, Nana, Batman!
  10. I don't think euthanasia will catch on. It's a dying art.
  11. According to the location thing on Facebook. I'm near Lickey End. I always dreamed of being this flexible.
  12. If I had a tiny Unicorn in the palm of my hand, the first thing we'd do is get these sesame seeds out of my teeth.
  13. Q. What's black and white and red all over?
    A. An embarrassed penguin.
  14. Q. What's black and white and red all over?
    A. A Zebra under a lorry.
  15. "Do you still drive down from Wigan?"
    "Well, the helicopter won't fly in this weather."
  16. After all the meteor hubub has died down, I'm pretty sure we'll find out that it was Santa on a dry run. 95 more sleeps!
  17. My energy level matches the battery charge left in my phone. 2%.
  18. This is the 4000th morning in a row where I have blasted my abs.... With a doughnut.
  19. "Bitch, you don't know my life!" (Something That You Say To A Counterfeit Michael Aspel.)
  20. No matter what the Psychologist says, 1.30am is the perfect time to perfect my T-Rex impression. Time to find a tree.
  21. Playing Countdown can be difficult at a Rave, as there's a good chance someone's already taken all the Es.
  22. I want to make sure any kids I have are healthy, that's why I wash my testicles with neutrogenome.
  23. My cold has gone full Disney-esque, as I now have characteristics of 5 out of the 7 dwarfs.

And the second week of throwing topical material at BBC Radio 4 Extra for Newsjack yeilded the following:

  1. After all that meteor hubbub died down, I was disappointed to find out it wasn’t really Santa on a dry run. Still, eighty nine more sleeps!
  2. I'm glad that John Terry has retired from the international scene. Now he can focus on racism at a grass roots level.
  3. Now that The Saturday Girls are inking new deals with labels in America, does this mean they no longer have to enroll in a Qualifying Workplace Pension scheme?
  4. The company behind many smart phone components, Foxconn, recently shut down a plant due to a fight breaking out. For that to happen, it must have been Siri-ous.
  5. Iran’s restricted access to the Google search engine, and Gmail. It’s unknown if Google+ has been affected, as Ahmadinejad still refuses to add me to his circle.
  6. I'm interested to hear that whisky leftovers will be used to fuel cars. Let's see how self-righteous my SatNav is after she's had a few.
  7. Nick Clegg has promised to give one hundred million pounds to Child Care causes. I think he’s a bit optimistic about how many copies that auto-tuned apology song will sell.
  8. Cancer Research UK has said that cancer deaths are due a dramatic fall. I hope they’ve already arranged their alibi for the night in question.
  9. I think the best way to treat the Coronavirus is with a wedge of lime.
  10. The Mars Rover is exploring rock close up, but has yet to find an explanation for the popularity of Coldplay.
  11. Last week we mistakenly said that Facebook were publishing people’s private message to their timelines. We shouldn’t have been taken in by The Sun’s explanation of how they got hold of Andrew Mitchell’s police incident report.

I even did a few jokes for the Kirrin Island Semi-Podcast:

  1. The Queen has had an apology after the BBC told world of her Abu Hamza anger. I don't see what the big deal is, she has to 'ang her clothes up somewhere.
  2. A snake found in a kitchen drawer was named Spooner after the resident was heard to exclaim "Foly Huck!"

And there we have it. Have you submitted to Newsjack this week? What did you think?

See you next week for more hilarity, or check my Twitter feed and see me "live" tweet them.

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21Sep/123

Friday “Funnies” (Friday 14th to Thursday 20th September 2012)

Rather than see my "jokes" disappear into the social media ether, I thought I'd put them where they will never be lost. Or looked at.

So this week was mainly dedicated to writing stuff to submit to Newsjack, which is why a lot of the jokes didn't appear on Facebook or Twitter (because they were BBC submission.) After I submitted my jokes to Newsjack, I heard rumblings that there was a maximum number of one liners that Newsjack were accepting (Well after the Tues 4pm deadline). When I queried this with Newsjack on Twitter, I got a reply on Wednesday saying that they would like just a single page of one liners. The thing is, there was nothing on the Newsjack website writer brief that mentioned a maximum number of jokes (or pages) allowed for one liners. There's a limit of 3 sketches per week (and limit of 3 pages per script.), but nothing for one liners other than collating them all into a single document for submission. I submitted 21 jokes to them, which due to being in BBC Radio script format were spaced out over 5 pages. I did tweet Newsjack and ask them to make this one page rule official on the writer brief, and while I didn't receive a personal reply from them, and it appears that they did update the website brief. So let that be a lesson to you kids for week 2, if you are going to write one liners, keep them on one page.

Though after all that uncertainty, I did have some material broadcast for Series 7 Episode 1 last night.

And so with that said...

Presenting a round up of all the jokes that I wrote this week:

  1. "No actually" was the much shorter first draft by Richard Curtis.
  2. Q. What's the name of that movie about the guy who only has one type of road surfacing material?
    A. Avatar.
  3. Thanks to Amazon's price guarantee on an R1 DVD I preordered (Get A Life), I'm now the proud recipient of a US$0.09 refund. Score! That's like 12 ha'pennies in English money. I could totally rent a 19th century whore for that kind of scratch. Of course, she'd be dead, being at least 150 years old. But that's why she's so cheap, and willing to do me.
  4. All the women I know are convinced I'm a great Athlete. They're always telling me to take a running jump.
  5. Q. What do you call a Harry Potter author who wants to compete in the letters round of Countdown?
    A. JK Voweling.
  6. Q. What do you call a Harry Potter author who's obsessed with Douglas Adams?
    A. JK Toweling.
  7. Q. What do you call a Harry Potter author who's hungry?
    A. JK Growling.
  8. "Waiter, waiter, there's a herbal medicine extract in my soup."
    "Aloe Vera?"
    "No need to be informal. This'll severely affect your tip."
  9. "Waiter, Waiter, Jeff Goldblum's in my soup."
    "Well, he is pretty fly for a white guy."
  10. I've got a second job doing woodwork thanks to a tax bill. They're paying me under the table.
  11. "Waiter, Waiter, there's a fly in my soup."
    "I wish you didn't have Alzheimer's, Dad."

And now the jokes I submitted to Newsjack:

  1. At Two to Five, Camelot has failed to become the first Triple Crown winner since Nineteen Seventy being beaten by Encke at Twenty Five to One. What is education in this country coming to, when we can’t even teach horses to tell the time properly?
  2. Ray Hatton has been arrested for assaulting his son, Ricky, outside of a gym in Hyde, Greater Manchester. With Ricky back training for a return to the ring, it just goes to show, that he can run, but he can’t hide
  3. Ray Hatton has been arrested for assaulting his son, Ricky, outside of a gym in Hyde, Greater Manchester. At first I was torn over the news, thinking how could he ever come back from this? But I know that with the right training he’ll do it, so I put a tenner on Ray to win Olympic Gold in Twenty Sixteen.
  4. You’ll Never Walk Alone has reached the top twelve in the UK on the back of the release of the Hillsborough Report. In a similar move, I’ve even heard that Ne-Yo’s Closer has returned to the French charts, because it’s a really good song.
  5. I’m so angry about the way the UK is criticizing the Muslim reaction to a poorly produced film “Innocence of Muslims” that mocks Islam. I’ve a good mind to take to the social networks and complain, but I'd get arrested for it if my words were recorded in any way. (realises he is being recorded) Oh...
    FX: KNOCK AT DOOR
    ...Got to go, the police are here.
  6. Sir Ranulph Fiennes is to lead the first team on foot across Antarctica in the Southern Winter. In future news, Sir Ranulph Fiennes is dead.
  7. A couple in Epsom have escaped serious injury when a car mounted an Audi at launched itself at the first floor master bedroom. I thought neutering the brakes was supposed to cut down on that sort of behaviour.
  8. A bag of explosives has been found on a street in Copenhagen. Danish police and bomb specialists are attempting to determine its origin. In an effort to spice up the ratings the BBC team behind “Who Do You Think You Are?” have been drafted in.
  9. Chris Evans has bought 16 segments of the Dunlop bridge from Donington Park for a charity auction. In an effort not to be outdone, Adrian Chiles was seen shopping for Meccano with a twenty percent off everything voucher from WH Smith.
  10. I don't see why singer Chris Brown has been denied entry to the UK because he's been responsible for a serious crime. Smacks of hypocrisy if you ask me.
  11. In response to Chris Brown being denied a UK work visa to perform a string of concerts, his tour promoters said fans should hold on to their tickets as there might be a possible rearrangement of dates. I fail to see how beating up other girlfriends will help.
  12. A new survey suggests that Britons believe Middle Age begins at fifty five. They'd better not be too vocal about it, as I'm sure the government would love to extend the retirement age to one hundred and ten.
  13. An affectionate dog has shot his master while on a hunting trip near Mussidan in France. I totally understand, I got really upset when my husband took me to France and I didn't get to go to Paris either. Of course, I didn't blow his hand off like the dog did. In fact, nothing on my husband got blown for a very, very long time.
  14. The rate of inflation has decreased from two point six percent in August to two point five percent this month. I wish my doctor was as happy with my rate of BMI inflation as analysts are with the CPI.
  15. Indefinite jail sentences are against human rights, according to the European Court of Human Rights. Also against human rights: murder.
  16. Rat meat has been sold to the public in East London. They say it’s potentially hazardous, but I don’t think it’s possible to choke on a drumstick that tiny.
  17. A gardener has won a competition for growing the world’s heaviest onion. And yet, when I do that with my son, suddenly he’s taken into care. Talk about your double standards.
  18. There was a feature on the BBC website that asked if there were any great adventures left now that Sir Ranulph Fiennes is trekking across Antarctica unaided. If eating rat meat from a market in East London is no longer considered an adventure, then I don’t know what the world is coming to.
  19. Kevin Pietersen has been left out of England tour of India this winter. Pietersen will still do his bit trying to motivate the squad, as he is already hard at work composing a series of text messages that denounce the opposition.
  20. A court in France has barred the republishing of the topless photos of the Duchess of Cambridge. I’m glad this will put an end to this whole saga, unless someone has invented a way to transmit images in a digital manner over great distances at the touch of a button.
  21. I was shocked to hear that there are still people stowing away in the wheel well of airplanes. Given all the information we have today, I would have thought that the bottom would have dropped out of that market.

And there we have it. Have you submitted to Newsjack this week? What did you think?

See you next week for more hilarity, or check my Twitter feed and see me "live" tweet them.

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