I Love Matt Fishwick! Fiction and fun with Matt Fishwick

27Mar/150

BBC Radio 4 Extra’s Newsjack – Series 12 Episode 5 – A Writing Credit

Well, it has been a long time.

Not just in the fact that I haven't posted here on the site in a while (it's a long story, that I will get to eventually, Kif) but a long time in regards to getting a credit on Newsjack. Well, rejoice, because overnight I got some good news!

I got a credit on Series 12 episode 5 of Newsjack. I've been constantly submitting since my last credit on S10E3 without much success. Starting with this series (12th) I have just been submitting one liners (with the exception of last week, episode 4, when I did not submit anything at all due to lack of Internet.)

My 7th credit overall. It's a bright spot in a bleak few weeks.

You can listen to the episode for the next 30 days at the BBC web page or download the podcast for the next 7 days.

In the event that you can't be bothered listening to the podcast, my joke is as follows:

Results are in for the Solar Eclipse. If you want to be able to see again, look away now.

Catch you next time,

Matt.

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24Sep/140

Newsjack Series 11 Returns This Week

That's right, people.

It's back.

Newsjack is back for an 11th series, premiering tomorrow night (Thursday, September 25th 2014) at 11pm.

Here is my record from my previous series submissions:

Newsjack Record Series 3 - 10

While it's too late for you to submit to the first episode, there are still 5 further shows this series. So get looking at the news and get writing. Find all the details of how to submit and what they're looking for, click here.

Here's to series 11!

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30Apr/140

RADIO SKETCH: Nuisance Calls Report

This is a sketch that I submitted to Newsjack Series 10 Week 5 that didn't make it into the programme. It's probably my favourite sketch that I wrote over the entirety of series 10.

NUISANCE CALLS REPORT
by Matt Fishwick

SFX: BATHTUB FILLS WITH WATER, TAPS TURN OFF.

ROMESH:
And now we come to a new segment on Newsjack called the relaxation zone.

SFX: WATER SPLASH AS ROMESH SITS IN BATH.

ROMESH:
Ow, hot. Each week, we’ll look at some of the news stories that have caused people to relax...

SFX: PHONE RINGS

ROMESH:
...to relax and....

SFX: PHONE RINGS

ROMESH:
... to relax... (annoyed) Can somebody get that? Pippa?

SFX: PHONE RINGS

PIPPA:
(distant) I’m just off out with Loretta, bye!

SFX: MUFFLED FRONT DOOR SLAM

ROMESH:
Morgana?

MORGANA:
You’re not my real dad. Get out the bath and make me.

SFX:FEET STOMPING ACROSS FLOOR, BEDROOM DOOR SLAM.

ROMESH:
Lewis?

LEWIS:
I’m entertaining a lady. (beat) Is this your card?

LADY:
Oh my god, yes!

SFX: PHONE RINGS

ROMESH:
(annoyed) I’ll get it myself then.

SFX: ROMESH EXITS BATH, FEET ON FLOOR, PICKS UP PHONE

ROMESH:
(annoyed) Hello?

CALLER:
Hello, you have been specially selected to receive our in depth news report on the planned crackdown on nuisance phone calls.

ROMESH:
Look, I was in the bath. This isn’t a good time. Goodbye.

SFX:PUTS DOWN PHONE

SFX:PHONE RINGS

ROMESH:
Hel-

CALLER:
Are you sure it isn’t a good time?

ROMESH:
Yes.

CALLER:
I mean, really sure? Like 100% sure?

ROMESH:
Yes. I’m sure. I’m 110% sure.

CALLER:
We both know that’s impossible.

ROMESH:
Okay, I am 100% sure.

CALLER:
Because if you’re just 95% sure we can divulge our report to you.

ROMESH:
No. Goodbye.

SFX: PUTS DOWN PHONE

ROMESH:
I can’t believe I’m bothered by all these calls. If only the government would crackdown on them. We could do a report about it on the show. (beat). Oh.

END.

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16Apr/142

Newsjack Series 10 Review!

It's the 500th post here on I Love Matt Fishwick dot com! Over 21,000 hits. A massive weight gain and a Grammy nomination. (My grammy says I'm the best, and I'm in her will.) To celebrate these milestones, let's talk Newsjack. To not celebrate it and be a party pooper, go to http://www.ihatemattfishwick.com.

Newsjack ended last Thursday after a 6 week run. And the 6th week of the show marked my 48th submission to it since the start of series 3 back in June 2010. When the show was announced as returning for series 10, there was a new host and a new set of producers. In addition, the format was announced to be changing, too. Gone were the vox pops (fake public call in segments which was a delivery system for one liners) and they were to be replaced with three different types of one liners. There was Breaking News, Coming Up (fake segments that supposedly would appear later in the show) and TV Listings. People could submit a maximum of 3 one liners for each segment. The sketches were also focused on more specific topic areas now. With the topics largely following the heading for the different news sections on the BBC News website. Business, Politics, World News, Entertainment, Sports, etc. The number of sketches that each writer could submit per week also fell from three to two.

I wondered how I would fare at first, given my lack of success on series 9 of the show. I've never been great at topical stuff, but I keep doing it in the hopes of getting better. It was also a bit of a surprise when the show started accepting one liners that were not necessarily topical. The fact that the number of sketches that a writer could submit to the show was now 2 didn't really affect me that much, as I think I never submitted the full 3 in any of the previous shows. (I managed two some weeks in previous series, though.)

I resolved to work hard on the material that I would be submitting, and I had hopes that because I'd already written a number of sketches in the weeks leading up to the start of the series (for series 2 of The Show What You Wrote and series 3 of 4am Cab) I hoped I would be more "warmed up" so I resolved to write two sketches and 9 one liners every week. And apart from week 2 and week 6, I did manage to write 2 sketches per week. In week 2 and week 6, I only managed to write one each. So over the course of the 10th series, I submitted 10 sketches and 54 one liners. (You can see a round up of the one liners in my Friday "Funnies" posts.) I've even posted some of the sketches that I submitted to the show on this website. (And will probably be posting the remaining sketches in the upcoming weeks.)

I'm happy I managed 2 credits in the first half of this series (episodes 1 and 3), even if those episodes did meet with some criticism on the Internet from people that didn't really like the new format to the show. Episodes 1 through 3 had a few hiccups but episodes 4 through 6 were great and the show has really hit it's stride again. The credits I scored were for one liners, which means I still haven't cracked the topical sketch writing side of it yet. (Of my credited one liners, the first one was topical while the one that appeared in episode 3 wasn't.) I'm going to resolve to continue with the topical material over the summer and hopefully (fingers crossed) I can be on form at the start of the next series. (Hopefully there is one.) I'm looking forward to trying again in series 11, and trying to get a sketch on at the 49th attempt, as sketch credits are what counts when trying to advance up the BBC writer food chain.

I'm happy that I managed 2 credits this series which is a vast improvement over my dire time during series 9, but still didn't reach the dizzying heights of making the record 3 times during series 8 but having one cut from the episode prior to broadcast.

Overall, in 48 submissions to the show, I have had six credits (S6E6, S7E1, S8E2, S8E6, S10E1, and S10E3: I made it rain BBC licence fee money!) with an addition two episodes that I had material recorded but it was cut before the show was broadcast (S5E1 and S8E3: I made it rain my tears.). Here is a breakdown of my submission record in handy spreadsheet style, if that sort of thing interests you:
Newsjack Record Series 3 - 10

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26Mar/140

Radio Sketch: Patron Saint of MPs

Here is a sketch that I wrote for Series 10 episode 3 of Newsjack that didn't make it to air:

PATRON SAINT OF MPs
by Matt Fishwick

VOICE OVER:
For thousands of years, the political elite have faced hard questions.

THATCHER:
Am I for turning?

BLAIR:
Should we invade Iraq?

OBAMA:
Where exactly is Crimea anyway? Someone get me a map.

VOICE OVER:
But as every politician knows, they don’t have to face these questions alone. And now you don’t have to either, as we bring you the collected wisdom of Saint Guano, the patron Saint of MPs in a handy three volume set. Saint Guano was a politician who, after a pretty difficult debating session, as the legend goes, stood up and drove all the reasoning and common sense out of politics. And politics has been much more fruitful ever since. But the wisom in these pages doesn’t just apply to the Houses of Parliament that’ll help you decide to lower the tax rate for low and middle income earners, or voting whatever way you want to ignoring the will of your constituants, it can help you tackle every day quandries such as:

GIRL:
I’m hungry, mummy.

WOMAN:
I’m torn. These shoes are on sale for today only.

VOICE OVER:
But after a brief read of Saint Guano’s wisdom, you’ll be able to justify your choice:

WOMAN:
If I were to feed my daughter, she’d only be full for a day, but if I buy these shoes, I’ll be fashionable and stylish for a lifetime. Thanks Saint Guano, you saved my life.

GIRL:
I think I’m going to faint.

SFX: GIRL FAINTS AND LANDS ON FLOOR KNOCKING OVER SOME SORT OF SHOE DISPLAY

SALES ASSISTANT:
Will there be anything else today.

WOMAN:
Why not, she won’t need to eat for the rest of the day.

BOTH:
(laugh)

VOICE OVER:
Yes, this handy three volume series that can be yours for just 3 installments of 19.99 plus shipping, handling, and expenses for a second home when your first home is a trundle bed in your Aunt’s attic. Order yours today.

END

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26Mar/140

Radio Sketch: Supermarket Budget Cuts

Here is a sketch that I wrote for Series 10 episode 3 of Newsjack that didn't get on the air.

Supermarket Budget Cuts
by Matt Fishwick

EXECUTIVE #1:
Lads, come in. It’s great to see you. Ant.

ANT:
(Indistinguishable Geordie Babble).

EXECUTIVE #1:
Dec.

DEC:
(Indistinguishable Geordie Babble)?

EXECUTIVE #1:
Thanks for asking, My daughter’s fine.

ANT + DEC:
(positive)
(Indistinguishable Geordie Babble).

EXECUTIVE #1:
Look, lads. You’re aware that Morrisons posted a loss of £176m last year?

ANT + DEC:
(serious)
(Indistinguishable Geordie Babble).

EXECUTIVE #1:
Well I’m afraid that because of that loss, we can’t justify keeping you both on for future adverts. We’re going to have to let one of you go.

ANT:
(Indistinguishable Geordie Babble).

EXECUTIVE #1:
I know it comes as a shock. Believe me, if there were any way we could keep you both on, I would. If you have any ideas?

DEC:
(Indistinguishable Geordie Babble), and Text Santa to...

EXECUTIVE #1:
(interrupting)
Christmas was one of our worst periods. I doubt putting the entire Bromsgrove branch on Santa’s lap is going to boost sales. If maybe you could change the name of the show to Text Morrisons? And highlight all the good we could do with that money. Like pay our shareholders. Or maybe you could change the name of your other show to Ant and Dec’s Saturday Night M Kitchen Take-Away. We’ve got a brand new Tex Mex range that’s just screaming out for cross promotion. What do you say?

ANT:
(hesitant)
(Indistinguishable Geordie Babble).

EXECUTIVE #1:
Well, it was worth a try wasn’t it?

DEC:
(agreement)
(Indistinguishable Geordie Babble).

SFX: DOOR OPENS

EXECUTIVE #2:
Have you made your decision yet? (beat) Oh, sorry. I didn’t realise you were still in the meeting.

EXECUTIVE #1:
I haven’t decided. Look at you both. Your face s are so pretty. It’s like Sophie’s Choice.

ANT + DEC:
(agreement)
(Indistinguishable Geordie Babble).

EXECUTIVE #1:
I’m going to have to think about this a bit more. Maybe we can make some cuts elsewhere. Like removing herring from the Fish Counter.

EXECUTIVE #2:
Those herring sales are putting us in the red. Maybe we should start opening 24 hours.

EXECUTIVE #1:
We just need something with a bit of a hook. To get people interested again. We need a name that says what we stand for. A name that really says Morrisons “M” brand. I’ve got it!

SFX: INTERCOM BUZZ.

EXECUTIVE #1:
Susan, get me M Night Shamalan on the phone.

END

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20Mar/140

BBC Radio 4 Extra’s Newsjack – Series 10 Episode 3 – A Writing Credit

Series 10 is steaming ahead with week 3 being recorded last night and broadcast tonight. After getting nothing on the show last week, I'm back this week with another credit! 2nd of this series and 6th overall. I'm making it rain Licence Fee Money this series. Yay! And this credit is my 10th produced credit overall: 6 credits for Newsjack, 2 for Live From Kirrin Island and 2 for 4am Cab.

I got the "Congrats" email at 4.22pm this afternoon, but I've no idea what I got in. But it's cool that I got my 6th BBC writing credit. It's been 2 whole weeks since the last one on episode 1 of series 10.

You can see the episode page on the Newsjack website here.

Tune in to BBC Radio 4 Extra at 22:30 on Thursday 20 March 2014. Click here for the online streamy thing and click here for the podcast download (podcast episode available for 7 days after broadcast).

Here's a screenshot of the writing credits:

NJ-S10E3-20140320-Writing-Credit

ADDENDUM:

The joke used was my composer joke. Get the podcast for the next 7 days.

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12Mar/140

Radio Sketch: SAMSUNG GALAXY S5 1ST IMPRESSIONS

Here is a sketch for Series 10 Episode 1 of Newsjack that I submited that didn't make it to the show:

SAMSUNG GALAXY S5 1ST IMPRESSIONS
by Matt Fishwick.

GRAMS: TECH SHOW STYLE MUSIC INTRO

JANE:
Technology: it’s all around us. And sometimes, depending upon how lonely we are, inside us, too. With that in mind, our own Technology correspondant, Lewis Jones, gives us a report on the new Samsung smart phone, the Galaxy S5.

LEWIS:
As you know, I love talking to people, just not face to face, which is why smartphones are perfect for me. It’s still human contact, but I don’t have people staring at me making me nervous.

JANE:
The whole Internet is a buzz with the newly released details, can you give us your first impressions?

LEWIS:
It’s 145g and it doesn’t look too bulky in your pocket, so now if people compliment that bulge in your pocket, they’re probably talking about your penis. For example, just say something nice about my pants.

JANE
Um, they’re very nice.

LEWIS SFX: ROBOTIC “THANK YOU”

 LEWIS:
See that was the phone talking. It’s so advanced it knows a compliment when it hears it.

JANE:
Does it have any other “advanced” features?

LEWIS:
Let me take your picture.

LEWIS SFX: ROBOTIC “SAY CHEESE”

LEWIS SFX: ROBOTIC “CLICK”

LEWIS:
Beautiful high resolution picture. It’s something I’ll treasure until I run out of phone memory, which thanks to this handy memory card slot won’t be for while, or we stop talking and I have to delete because it brings back too many painful memories. (beat) But it also has sepia mode.

LEWIS SFX: OLD TIMEY “SAY CHEESE”

LEWIS SFX: OLD TIMEY “CLICK”

JANE:
All phones these days have cameras. What about security?

LEWIS:
It has fingerprint recognition. If I run my finger over the sensor:

LEWIS SFX: ROBOTIC “YOU HAVE SUCH SOFT SKIN. ACCESS GRANTED.”

LEWIS:
And not only that, if I run my fingernail over it the other way, the phone will give me a manicure.

LEWIS SFX: ROBOTIC “SO ARE YOU GOING AWAY THIS YEAR? BE CAREFUL OF MY ROAMING CHARGES.”

JANE:
These features seem a little too good to be true. But tell me, can I still download all my favourite chart music and use it as a ringtone?

LEWIS:
Yes, you can use any public domain song you like.

JANE:
Public domain?

LEWIS:
Yes, we can’t afford the rights to broadcast any music since we spent all the production budget getting me a phone.

JANE:
Can I at least hold the phone?

LEWIS:
I don’t have one.

JANE:
Why not?

LEWIS:
I had a tip for a dead cert at the bookies. Well, I thought I did. I can’t believe that you didn’t realise I wasn’t holding a phone.

JANE:
You know I don’t like looking at you anymore after the incident.

LEWIS:
I’ve apologised for that already. Look, if it’ll make you feel any better, if I had a smart phone, I’d send you an e-card. But I don’t. Because as I said but a moment ago, I gambled all the production budget away. Also, I stopped at the casino on the way in. And I gambled away your car.

JANE:
That’s it Lewis. I’m never speaking to you again. I’m going home.

SFX: FOOTSTEPS WALK AWAY

LEWIS:
(calling after) I’ve left you a bus timetable in your dressing room. (beat) Your welcome! (beat) (to himself) At least I’ve still got that picture of her in my head.

END

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6Mar/144

BBC Radio 4 Extra’s Newsjack – Series 10 Episode 1 – A Writing Credit

Newsjack's back for another series (the 10th) of nailbiting nervousness from wannabe comedy writers. Starting with episode 1 tonight at 10.30pm on BBC Radio 4 Extra.

And lucky for me, because my nails are already short, I got something in the show.

I got the "Congrats" email at 4.30pm this afternoon, but I've no idea what I got in. But it's cool that I got my 5th BBC writing credit. Almost 12 months since the last one on episode 6 of series 8. (I didn't have any luck with series 9 last autumn, though I did post a lot of my one liners.)

You can see the episode page on the Newsjack website here.

Tune in to BBC Radio 4 Extra at 22:30 on Thursday 6 March 2014. Click here for the online streamy thing and click here for the podcast download (podcast episode available for 7 days after broadcast).

Here's a screenshot of my credit:

Partial Writing Credits for Series 10, episode 1

Addendum: The material they used was my McIlroy one liner. Get the direct podcast link here (valid for 7 days from 6 March 2014).

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2Oct/130

Newsjack Sketch: James Dyson Engineering Award

Hello all,

As I'm rather busy writing stuff for Newsjack, I thought that I'd publish my favourite sketch that I wrote for this ninth series (so far). I've submitted a total of 5 sketches to them in the first 3 episodes, but my favourite (so far) is one of the sketches that I submitted to Newsjack in week 1. The sketch didn't get anywhere on the show, but I still like it after giving it a another read at the weekend, so I thought I'd share it with you.

Enjoy!

Newsjack Sketch: James Dyson Engineering Award.

JUSTIN
The winner of the UK round of the James Dyson’s Engineering Award has been announced. The £2000 UK Award celebrates innovation in design engineering and this...

RUNNER UP
(interrupting)
(scoffs) Big deal. He put some floaty things in water. I’d hardly call that innovative. I learnt to swim by holding on to a floaty thing in water and kicking my feet. Getting kids to do your dirty work is nothing new, the Victorians were doing it five hundred years ago.

JUSTIN
Let me guess, you’re an engineering student?

RUNNER UP
No, I’m an engineering Graduate. And the UK runner up.

JUSTIN
Then you should know it’s a wave power generator that harvests energy no matter which way the sea is flowing.

RUNNER UP
I had a solution for that, but it’s all politics. Apparently it’s more innovative to throw some things in the sea than it is to CONTROL THE MOON. (laughs)

JUSTIN
I’m sorry, did you just say “Control the Moon?”

RUNNER UP
Yes, Control the moon. Imagine Justin, if I control the moon, I can control energy. Any time some country wants some energy. They’ll come to me. I’ll have the monopoly. Finally I’ll get to be the Top Hat rather than the pathetic little shoe.

JUSTIN
That sounds extremely unethical.

RUNNER UP
That’s why I thought British Politicians would love it.

JUSTIN
The British public would never stand for it.

RUNNER UP
That’s just what James Dyson said. I’ll admit that there were a few technical issues with flooding rivers when I did a test last summer and another test in December, but I’m almost certain I’ve got the kinks worked out now.

JUSTIN
What about the long term environmental impact?

RUNNER UP
And how is dumping materials in the sea any more environmentally friendly than controlling the moon? What happens when those little floaty things reach the end of their lifespan? What do we do with them, eh?

JUSTIN
Flush them out into international waters, I suppose.

RUNNER UP
Exactly. Flush them into international waters so they can get caught around little fishes and necks of birds. I hope you have a lot of pairs of scissors. Those floaty things will need a lot of cutting up so the wildlife doesn’t get caught. Remember those plastic 6-pack can holders?

JUSTIN
Oh, I hated cutting those up. It took ages.

RUNNER UP
But if you don’t cut them up, you’ll be spending a lot of weekends on some rickety diesel-chugging boat setting those poor little creatures free.

JUSTIN
But I get terrible seasickness.

RUNNER UP
But that won’t happen with my solution. You get to stay on dry land. We can direct the tides to a specific location, precisely harnessing all the energy.

JUSTIN
It just sounds so evil.

RUNNER UP
I’ll remember you said that. Your name’s on my list.

JUSTIN
I’m glad you didn’t win. Why would anyone want to take this beyond prototype?

RUNNER UP
No prototype for me. Everything is in place.

JUSTIN
Then why do you need the award?

RUNNER UP
I had a programmer put the controls in a handy App that I can use on my smartphone. But thanks to a mix up, the app will only run on iOS7. Do you know how expensive that is?

End of Sketch.

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