Now that this brief bit of blog foreplay has been dispatched as quickly as possible, it's time to get to the down and dirty act of writing my last NaNoWriMo review.

So away we go:

Day 22 was a Tuesday and despite not having the long commute to work this day, I was still tired, so I didn’t manage to reach the 1667 quota for the day. I only managed to write 1455 words.

Day 23 was a Wednesday and I had the commute home in the evening, however, I was able to fit in some writing time before work and during my lunch break and that got me to 2042 words.

Day 24 saw me having to put in more time on my sketch writing class assignments. I only managed 1188 words.

Day 25 and Friday saw me write 241 words over par for a total of 1908 words. Unfortunately, that would be the last time that I wrote more than the daily quota for the rest of the week until Monday.

Day 26 and the last Saturday of NaNoWriMo 2011 saw me write 303 words. Of course it was improve day and I spent it making stuff up that rhymed, picking random lines of dialogue off the floor and pretending to be from Mexico and naked (though not at the same time). It also saw me drink a lot and after that I was in no shape to write.

Day 27 saw me write 1105 words as I spent more time on my sketch writing assignments and to be frank, I’ve long since lost interest in the novel. I just keep plodding along until I get to 50,000. I liked the original concept, but without being planned it went off on a tangent that never corrected itself. And it was not a good tangent, either. Oh well, perhaps I can plot this sucker out over the next year and by the time the next NaNoWriMo rolls around, I can write it as proper novel.

And what can be said about Day 28 that hasn’t been said already? Everything really, as I haven’t written about it yet. It was a Monday, and I’d had at most 2 hours sleep the night before. I drove the 106 miles to work, and then proceeded to write a bit before work. Thanks to this work ethic and some writing time at lunch and after work I was able to power to 2345 words and then win NaNoWriMo. If I had managed to drive to Birmingham everyday (getting up at 4:30am in the process), I probably would have finished my NaNoWriMo Novel much earlier in the month.

So that was my NaNoWriMo done for the year. I managed the slowest win that I’ve ever experienced. (Previous years had seen me finish around 22nd of the month.) I haven’t really enjoyed this year’s novel. In reality I’ve had too much stuff on my mind and too much other stuff to do, mainly the sketch assignments, which take a lot of time to do and yield very small word counts as they are in script format. I was looking forward to this year’s NaNoWriMo, but then stuff happens as it usually does. Which is a shame. In years past, the odd numbered years have generally been the most interesting and fun, with the even numbered years being dull and awkward. Which is why, after a lull last year, I was hopeful that this year would continue a pattern. This year I’ve really been making an effort to improve my sketch writing and, as such, I really wanted to do the Second City sketch writing course as it would help me in other areas of my life. (Especially in the sketch writing section of my life.) And so I’m still in the midst of that as I type. It is going reasonably well and I feel that I learning new skills. Sadly I never seen to learn from my NaNo disasters and keep repeating the same mistakes year after year. Hopefully, with the other skills that I have acquired, I can learn from this year’s disaster and plan for 2012. And it will be different if I decide to undertake a novel in a month again because I will only do it if I have a properly planned novel. I believe my days of pantsing it are over.

Many people have a dip in their progress during week 2 and then when week 3 rolls around they get their second wind. Well, I'm here to tell you that normally that doesn't happen to me. I can usually power through and complete the whole thing in just over three weeks. This time it hasn't happened that way, and in fact I've really been off the pace in the third week and I'm really struggling to just get to the daily goal.

I suppose it had to happen eventually. If I was only working on one thing I wouldn't have any excuse, but because this year I decided to do an online sketch writing course with Second City, I knew that I wouldn't be able dedicate all my free time to it. And I have noticed that the sketches that I have been asked to write have taken a large amount of planning and still haven't been great when they were finished. Well, that's according to my tutor feedback. He hasn't said they are out and out bad, but the list of things that I have missed and the techniques that I haven't managed to use are quite long, so I personally feel like I have failed. With the course not scheduled to finish until just before Christmas, it isn't as though I'll have any time to catch up and finish NaNoWriMo before the 30th November. So this year it looks like I'll have to use all the days of November to write the novel.

So with that said, let us all take a look at the daily word count breakdown of week 3:

Day 15: So week 3 kicked off with a below par day. The accepted wisdom of NaNoWriMo is that 1667 words need to be writen each day in order to get to 50,000 words by the end of November. On Day 15 I wrote 1525 words, which was 142 below par. Luckily the lead that I had built up earlier in the month still meant that I was ahead of pace at this point in the month by a little over 4000 words.

Day 16: Day 16 was a Wednesday and that meant that I had to drive home. Once I was at home I went out to a pub quiz, so I didn't do much writing that day, but I was able to write 768 words before work and in a brief sprint at lunchtime.

Day 17: The Thursday was much better with regard to word count. I was able to write 1753 words. I would have tried to write more, but I was working on my Sketch class assignment.

Day 18: Friday was very similar to Thursday with reagrd to word count. I was able to write 1777 words. I spent further time working on my Sketch class assignment, but it was like pulling teeth.

Day 19: Saturday was improv day, but I managed to get most of my word count done just after midnight and then between the end of the workshop class and the start of the ComedySportz 10th Anniversary Show. The day's word count reached 1525 again, just like Tuesday.

Day 20: I didn't get much written on the Sunday. Despite having nowhere to go and nothing else to do, I didn't write that much. The reason for this was simply because I had to dedicate the day to my sketch class assignment. I just couldn't make it funny. So there was that.

Day 21: Another long drive followed by another long day at work. But I did manage to fit in 2073 words getting them in just before midnight. It would have taken less time but I spent a good hour or so writing new lyrics to the song “There are worse things I could do” from the Grease Soundtrack. It was a very long day to bring week 3 to a close having written 39,759 words in the first three weeks.

And that was week 3 in a nutshell. Still haven't got any excerpts to share with you. I doubt there will be any this year, unless I rework the novel in to something readable, as at the moment it is a big mess. A big mess without much of a plot to be exact.

Until next time, keep on writing!

Matt.

NaNoWriMo is more than two weeks old. Doesn't time fly when you don't have time to do anything but work and write and write a blog post about how you only have time to work and write?

So here is a brief review of my second week of writing.

Day 8 was a Tuesday and because I didn't have to drive a great distance and because I had recovered from the previous day's driving I managed to put in 2617 words.

Day 9 was a Wednesday and despite travelling home and attending a pub quiz (where I had a few drinks) I was able to put in 2340 words. In fact I think it was the demon drink that aided my word count that day. Haven't had the guts to reread what I wrote that day, though.

Day 10 was good. I felt good for putting in word counts above 2k per day consistantly over the past couple of days and was therefore trying to build up a lead going into the second weekend when I would have limited to write (on the Saturday, due to attending improv workshops and attending two CSz shows).

Day 11 was another above target day and I found myself writing 1000 words over target on the Friday. This gave me a 5K buffer going in to the weekend. Unfortunately, to reach this milestone I had neglected my sketch writing assignments from the online class I was taking so I'd have to do those over the weekend, too as they were due Sunday night / Monday morning.

Day 12 was a Saturday on the way to improv class I managed to write 237 words. I also worked on my sketch class assignment which was not going well.

Day 13 was a Sunday and I had all day to write but I decided to go to an improv show in Manchester so that would mean that there was a large chunk of time that meant I wouldn't be writing. I worked on my sketch assignment again and I actually managed 779 words for NaNo, too.

Day 14 was a Monday and therefore required an early start. But on the plus side, I did get to work fairly early and that combined with more coffee (which I think is going to be my saviour this year) and a sprint before work and a sprint or two after work, I was able to write 2957 words, increasing my lead and building up a buffer again after the writing problems of the weekend and bring my first week total to 28,082 words.

At that in a blog post was my second week of NaNoWriMo. I still don't have any extracts worth publishing. Maybe that will change next week?

Who knows?

Until then, keep writing,

Matt.

NaNoWriMo is more than one week old. Doesn't time fly when you don't have time to do anything but work and write?

So here is a brief review of my first week's writing.

As many of you may know, I started a new job on November 1st this year (Much like November 1st last year). Unlike the last job, this job required a little bit more travelling to get to. So much travelling that I had to get up at 4.30am to get to it. That on top of nerves meant that I wrote very little on November 1st, just around five hundred words in fact.

Day 2 was a little better. After catching up on my sleep, I was able to write 2,101 words making a dent in the deficit that I had left over from day 1. This was the day that I also rediscovered caffeinated coffee at work, which (Gwen Stefdani's) No Doubt powered my writing well into the night.

Day 3 was better still. 2,834 words were written, which was ahead of target for the day, but there were enough additional words generated in order to get myself back on target with my average working out at over 1667 words a day which is above pace for this point in the month. There were even a few words extra written to put me ahead of target.

Day 4 was another above target day and I found myself getting into a pace of writing at least 2,000 words a day. I hoped to continue it to give me some breathing room later in the month when I would probably need it.

Day 5 was a Saturday and therefore without the need to go to work, I should have been able to write quite a bit and get really far ahead. Unfortunately for NaNoWriMo, Saturday is my improv workshop day. I was out nearly all day, but I did manage to write 761 words before class. I also attended a play in the evening, which is my prime writing time. But it wasn't all bad, thanks to the buffer that I build up in the previous days, I was still just about target. I enjoyed the day out very much and I think it gave me some inspiration for my fiction, so I count it as a win.

Day 6 was a Sunday and I had all day to write. I didn't. I procrastinated and watched InnerSpace on ITV1. I forgot how much that movie rocks. Martin Short is aces, I must say. I did start writing at about 7pm and managed to write 2,500 words until Misfits came on TV at 10pm. Then I wrote another 507 words during the ad breaks and just after the programme finished, giving me a daily total of 3,007 and giving me a buffer as the working week started again.

Day 7 was a Monday and therefore required an early start. But on the plus side, I did get to work fairly early and that combined with more coffee (which I think is going to be my saviour this year) and a sprint before work and a sprint or two after work, I was able to write 2501 words, increasing my lead and building up a buffer again and bring my first week total to 14,054 words.

At that in a blog post was my first week of NaNoWriMo. I was going to publish some extracts, but there is nothing that really makes much sense yet or the stuff that I have written would be deleted from the final draft. Maybe next week I might have something for you.

Until then, keep writing,

Matt.

...The one touching yourself...

Did you know that there's an international event where you could put that hand to better use?

It'll last the entire month, too. Not like you and your weak stamina.

It's already started, but it isn't too late to join up.

So navigate over to NaNoWriMo.org (but before you do, wash your hands and clean your browser cache) and sign up for a month of writing.

Do it, or BURN IN HELL!

Well technically yes, but there is more to the site than just November. Every year, after the final throes of novel writing are done, a new section of the website is revealed called December And Beyond, which is convenient give the title of the blog post, otherwise you may have been misled.

But you haven't.

One of the purposes of the December and Beyond is to help and support people who wish to continue working on the novels they started the previous month. There's also a section devoted to enable people to post their goals that they hope to achieve before the next NaNoWriMo in 2011.

"But Matt, what are you going to do until the next NaNoWriMo?" I hear you ask. If you hadn't jumped the gun, I'd have aleady told you, rathe than make you wait until the next paragraph.

I have a number of creative goals this upcoming year and while I suppose I could have waited until New Year's Eve to post them, that's so passé as everyone does that.

So here they are, all itemised and whatnot:

December 2010:

• Writing a murder mystery sketch before t'end of t'month which takes us handily to the end of 2010.
• Try to write a 15 minute sitcom before the middle of January 2011 for a competition.

January 2011:

• Continue writing sitcom
• Starting an 8 week stand up comedy course with ComedySportz at The Manchester Comedy Store on January 22nd.
• Write stand up material

February 2011:

• Learn whether the correct usage is February or Febuary.
• Write more stand up material
• Learn to end all my bulleted lists with a full stop. There's no reason to let punctuation go to the dogs. Because they can't spell. Seriously, ask a dog to spell antidisestablishmentarianism. You'll find they all probably have contempt for you for asking. But they are one of the key demographics of this website's readership, so: Ruff!
• Write some topical sketches for a BBC Radio Series (if Newsjack returns for another series - usually 2 series are broadcast a year starting in Feb and again in June for 6 weeks at a time.).

March 2011:

• More stand up writing.
• More Newsjack material. (if applicable).
• Stand up debut? (unconfirmed at this point)

April 2011:

• Script Frenzy 2011 - I think that given the style of writing that I will be doing up to this point, I'll probably be leaning towards a mixture of stand up material and sketch, to get my 100 pages. A real mixed bag as I don't seem to have any luck with trying to write features, so maybe this will be better.

May 2011:

• 8 week improv course begins with ComedySportz again.
• More writing - probably a mixture of stand up, sketch and sitcom.

June 2011:

• Newsjack writing (if applicable).
• More writing - probably a mixture of stand up, sketch and sitcom.

July 2011:

• Newsjack writing again (if applicable).
• Short story writing or a return to writing That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore (though it really needs a page one rewrite).

August 2011:

• More writing of various varieties.

September 2011:

• More writing of various varieties.

October 2011:

• More writing of various varieties.
• Start another 8 week improv course.

And that little lot should take me right up to October 31st, 2011.

That's what I plan on, anyway, but I'll probably be too lazy to do half that, but there's no point setting goals that I can easily reach, there is no fun in that. I shall endeavour to lunge and thrust my way to writing and comedy perfection in the next year.

I should probably factor in some time to work on a NaNo plot for 2011, too. But I've talked about NaNo plot issues in my previous blog entry.

Do you have goals? Are you planning to sidle up to the big ol' buffet of personal challenges and fill your plate high with creative projects. What will you manage before Oct 31st, 2011?

Day 22 at 11.59pm I just squeaked by the finish line with 50,012 words.

The 50K word was an imaginative one: at.

Not a bad time, but the best finish time I have had was 21 days and that was last year. Back then I even continued to the end of the month for a total of 65,432 words. This year, while I like the idea that I originally had, I don't like the way that it has turned out. So if I were to continue with this story idea, I think that I would start from scratch. The only extra that I added was 493 words on the Tuesday to take me up to a magic 50,505 (mainly because I like number patterns - and to prevent any validator issues).

It seems that there has been a pattern emerging after 4 years:

• On odd numbered years where I started with absolutely no ideas, my story and plot seem to be interesting and go places.

• On the even numbered years, I seem to have an idea but it devolves into a horror of a story that goes nowhere.

At this moment I'm unsure if I will partake next year, and I've never thought that before. My reasoning is simple. I know that I can write 50,000 words. That isn't a problem. My challenge is to have a story that goes somewhere and advances. If I can come up with a plot and plan it out in advance, then I am sure that I will be back next year, because that is the only thing that I haven't tried under NaNo conditions yet.

Well done everyone who has passed the finish line already, and keep going everyone else. Hell, if I can manage it, you can too!

Remember kids, don't forget to validate your script! You might even get some extra words, I know I did. 16 words to be exact for just copying and pasting into a text area. Nice.

And what did I get for all that hard work and stress? This:

Congratulations, Wrimos.

So this year I have several nemesises from the Liverpool region and I have listed them below in a handy widget thing that I have taken from the NaNo website:

In addition to the local nemesis I did manage to convince two other people to take part, so here is that little word war chart thing, too:

In addition to my word war battles with those around me, here is the overview that will be updated automatically throughout the month:

So that's it, in a few hours it's time to start writing.

Are you in?

Wanna word war against me?

Sign up here, buddy me and let's do battle.

Has this post piqued your interest? Consider making a charitable donation to the event to keep it going.

I first joined Twitter on 13th March 2009, and on Friday 16th April 2010 I posted my 1,000th Tweet.

I joined Twitter to basically keep in contact with the good people from around the world who were doing Script Frenzy. I was skeptical about the usefulness of Twitter when I first joined, given that I was limited to 140 characters (though people have told me, giving me that much space is perhaps too much freedom) and didn't think that I would use it that much outside of the Frenzy or NaNoWriMo events, but a strange thing happened. And once I had finally gone through puberty, I found myself putting more of my thoughts on Twitter.

I found it convenient for random thoughts (and thoughts that I believed may amuse other people) that did not warrant, or were not fully developed enough for their own blog posts. Though again, some people have said that if that were really true, there would be no I Love Matt Fishwick.com, but that is another tweet for another time.

The Self Indulgent Begging

At this point in the blog post, it is time for a little bit of Choose Your Own Adventure. If reading this blog post has wet your whistle and you decide to dip a toe into the twittery water, then please consider the following:

If you decide to follow me on Twitter: Use this link and I will follow you back.

If you decide NOT to follow me on Twitter: Use this link and I will dedicate at least 12 seconds to reading your tweets before blocking you in disgust.

The Future

And what does the future hold for me on Twitter. Well, I have hit 1,000 tweets. That's far more tweets than I ever thought that I would post, and it seems like a good place to stop, at least for a little while so that when my page is viewed by those curious, it will have the nice and even number of 1,000 in the counter.

Beyond that, I have a few plans of what I will be doing with the service. I'll have to do something worthy now that the entire public timeline tweets will go in the Library of Congress in the US. And it just goes to validate the old addage that you needn't bother backing your data up, because eventually the Library Of Congress will do it for you and make the entire results searchable.

And of course, currently my tweets are in the public timeline, but that could all change. Who is to know?

My Favourite Tweets

It doesn't sound very interesting, and clearly it isn't, but earlier in the year I talked about how I wanted to blog more. I reasoned that the actual blog entries don't have to contain entirely original content. So this blog post will be in a similar vein to all those TV "Top 100" Countdown shows that you see littering up the schedules. I thought that while this seemed good enough for free to air TV, it was also good enough for a free to internet Blog.

Unlike TV shows, I won't actually being doing any Talking Heads (mainly because I don't know the lyrics and can't play any instruments) about why I have chosen a particular tweet. I also won't be limiting myself to a set number, I'll just be listing the ones in retrospect that I find funny and/or interesting. There also won't be any setting the tweet in context. Most of my postings do not need other references.

Each Tweet will be given a number. That isn't a score, but rather the reverse order in which is was posted. For example in this set my very first tweet is numbered 1000 and my 1000th tweet is numbered 1. (Because when I copied them, the numbers were automatically added and I am too lazy to remove/renumber them).

So now without further ado, here comes the copy and paste:

1. Yay, my tweets will be saved for posterior. Oh arse, I think I got that wrong. #Profound #1000th Tweet. #LibraryOfCongress.

2. My entire life has been a mistake. At least that was it said in the birthday card from my parents.

5. Hey wall, if you could use one word to describe me, what would it be? http://twitpic.com/1g1rv2

8. I'm a triple threat. I can disappoint you mentally, emotionally and physically. #triplethreat

13. Co-worker appeared in office @ 7pm. I was surprised to see her. Normally, if I want to see her this late I have to look through her window.

16. I can tell I'm in tip top shape, as my tits only jiggle for a mere 15 seconds after I have finished cleaning my teeth.

31. Is it wrong that all items listed under Health & Fitness remain unread in my Feed Reader?

41. RIP Malcolm McLaren, without your controversy courting, the Country Life butter ads just wouldn't be the same.

61. I sent an email out inviting people to join my super group, but due to a typo we just ended up having a bite to eat.

68. I was dancing at a party once and everyone around me was shouting "Go Matt, Go Matt!" Turns out, they just wanted me to leave.

69. I was giving a house tour once and pointed at the vacuum cleaner saying exactly the same thing. RT @Surefiredaisy: Well, this sucks.

80. I can't hang around here all day, I have fetal positions to get into and tears to cry.

84. This morning I watched The Biggest Loser in High Definition. My new mirror is quite powerful.

85. Apparently, shouting "Burn In Hell" at someone in the office after they sneeze, is not appropriate.

89. #omgfact I've only ever been to one concert in my life. And before you ask, yes, Celine Dion was awesome.

104. Somewhere out there, he knew there was a girl with his name crudely etched on her forehead. He resolved to put a lock on that door. #vss

107. Did some gardening & dug up a bunch of animation cells. I think we can safely close the file on Carmen Sandiego.

117. My glutes are tweaking. I think they have a meth problem.

120. His love of the undead caused an abrupt end to his summer work experience at the morticians.

121. I WANT TO BE A PAGE 3 GIRL! I've filled out the application, practiced my natural poses and now I'm off to Tesco's to use the photo booth.

129. What do I want in bed? That's easy. You can never go wrong with a Cornish Pasty and a nice pillow. #cosmopolitan

131. Despite all evidence to the contrary, I am not, it appears, a Dapper Dan man.

138. Caution John de Lancie After Next Junction #startrek themed #motorway #signs

139. Entered an online comp but misspelled my name as matthjew. I think I've blown my chances of getting tickets to Hamas:The Backstage Tour!

146. By signing up for an iPad you are giving Steve Jobs first dibs on your organs should he need another transplant.

158. Catching up on Reading. According to Google Earth it is right where I left it.

159. They sat staring, surprised that the old man had so many touching stories. They decided he'd never be allowed to work as Santa again. #vss

161. Today I Learned I'm resistable. Fun until I found resistable/irresistable isnt interchangeable like flammable/inflammable. I also learned I'm flammable

166. In June 2009, Virgin Atlantic celebrated 25 years of not offering me a complimentary Business Class upgrade. #omgfacts

168. My next screenplay has a title: "The Men Who Stare At Coats" - The plot, like the source material, is very thin. #nichefilms #scriptfrenzy

170. That fog on the drive home was scary. Its a good thing that I kept my eyes shut for most of the time.

171. I have broken the button on my pants. I knew I shouldn't have eaten today.

172. I just cleaned my glasses. It now appears that all the dirt was actually in my mind.

186. I think I have invented a drink that no one has ever thought of before - Vodka and Irn Bru. I call it Irn Bra.

196. Ryanair plane from Liverpool hit by fire scare returns 2 the airport, but only because the passengers wouldn't pay £10 for fire extinguisher

200. 2010 Day 2: I have resorted to Pussycat Dolls DVD Workout. Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

201. It is the first day of 2010 and now I am noticing that my mirror has put on a little holiday weight.

215. Adam came before Eve. Eve was bitterly disappointed. #vss

217. When you are drunk... I laugh and you forget. When I am drunk... Trees!

219. It's New Year's Eve Eve, also known as New Year's Eve Adam.

220. Getting ready to go out, by putting on my skin tight jeans. Sadly before Christmas, they weren't skin tight.

225. My trip was cancelled when I decided to fasten my shoelaces.

233. Just ran over a group of girls in my car. Surprisingly, they did not fall like dominos.

235. What will I remember most about this Christmas? The Pope is not a Weeble.

237. According to the TV, my fantasy girlfriend is just a 25p text away. Despite having this TV for 8 years it still doesn't know me that well.

240. Rapping presents. At this stage it's obvious the parfum doesn't have my mad freestyling skillz. This is one rap battle I totally can win.

241. I hate everything I stand for, which is mainly why I sit down now.

247. Singing "Touch-A, Touch-A, Touch Me" to the mirror. So far it is refusing. Maybe it needs more to drink.

248. Tim Curry singing "I Can Make You A Man". I don't think he's singing to me.

253. Lost £1.00 on the train. I had it to win, place or show. It didn't.

256. Apparently, exposing one's inner self does not mean dropping your pants at the railway station. I wish someone had told me sooner.

269. #omgfact by signing up for an iPod or iPhone you are giving Steve Jobs first dibs on your organs should he need another transplant.

272. No. 1 item on Christmas List: Terry Gilliam Chocolates. They are beset with production problems but the end results are quite magical.

273. It is hard to fall gracefully when you are naked.

274. If you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs, you may be an Executioner in France.

276. Someone once said I had a youthful glow. Well, I did used to summer at Sellafield.

281. In winter, do menthol iTunes help you hear more easily?

338. I want to die doing what I love... Having heart attacks.

376. Just had a great ego boost. A member of my compulsive liars group swears I'm exactly like Jesus. 5.5yrs to go then.

397. In #nanowrimo forum posts I am officially no longer using the word "count" as I keep inadvertantly missing out a key letter. #changedmeaning

430. Sometimes things happen for a reason and other times things happen for a raisin

431. "I'm looking for a real man," she said. He looked at his shoes. Just then the buzzer sounded and Pinocchio moved to the next table. #vss

432. Either kogakr-njtg isn't a word or my predictive text is apole.

435. #nottosayonfirstdate Do you want to guess how many rocks it would take to weigh you down? No? It'll be a surprise then.

450. RT @rosiebunny: I left @mattfishwick used and dirty... in the sink

452. I had a bit of a drunk and now I am slightly drink.

488. Maybe if I eat a little more I can declare myself both an island and a tax free haven.

496. Coffee and laptops don't mix unless you have a really powerful blender

497. Jesus Saves! With these handy coupons from Thrifty Mart.

541. Rejected Star Trek DS9 characters, vol. 1 - Kai Wayne Rooney

565. "That's you" appears on my Twitter Profile page. Handy because it allows me to verify that the underwear I have on is, in fact, not my own.

572.If you put sexual mores over a naked flame, eventually you'll get a sexual s'more.

574. I brought my boyfriend home. #mymomsaid " #HesNotThatIntoYou. " I was disappointed, but at least I caught the bouquet at their wedding. #vss

575. Parallel Parkin - 2 pieces of cake that will never meet.

609. Marcel Marceau And The Charity Car Wash Blog Post: http://bit.ly/4dokNy for the UK Charity Cystic Fibrosis Trust. Why Not Donate?

611. Old MacDonald learned his vowels: A E I O U

615. #mylasttweetonearth Despite its name, Davidoff's Cool Water is not a thirst quencher.

624. #igottacrushon people who can spell properly.

633. zzzz# '3w!4 p3q

637. #SmithsLyrics4DryCleaners “In the darkened underpants I thought ‘Oh God my chance has come at last.’” #Smiths #lyrics #DryCleaners

659. #smithslyrics4TheOverweight "To diet by your side, is such a heavenly way to diet" #lyrics #smiths #overweight

663. #smithslyrics4AquaticCreatures "Because I want to see people And I want to sealife" #lyrics #smiths #aquatic

676. A #poem before bed: Goodnight Moon, Goodnight stars, Goodnight women, in their bras.

683. As I said to my grandma on her deathbed, "This would be a lot easier if you didn't struggle." #TCTC

689. I sat in the doctor's office with my wife. "Leslie has severe memory loss," he said. "Who's Leslie?" I asked. #TCTC

690. Jo stared at Leslie's killer until her eyes were drawn to a smudge on the mirror. #TCTC

694. "The shoe is on the other foot now," she laughed, before turning and hobbling away. #TCTC

706. Jimmy was sad that he missed Grandpa's final moments, but was pleased to hear that he put up a good fight against the taxidermist.

713. Matt typed "Matt is" into Google and was surprised by the results. He swore he wasn't gay but his boyfriend had doubts. #TCTC

721. FYI "pimp" is not an option on my phone's predictive text. 1:07 AM Oct 3rd, 2009 via web

723. Want a designer baby but can’t afford it? Take a regular baby and apply a trendy iron-on decal. Tres Chic! The baby’ll be crease free too.

725. @CyranDorman - Or at least write a Choose Your Own Porn Adventure. Turn to page 5 if you decide to call a plumber. Page 6 for the pizza boy.

729. #haveuever tweeted something just to appear on a search results list?

736. If your tears taste like lollipops, is that the first sign of diabetes?

741. #LemonSponge Really Cleans Up. New blog post @ http://ilovemattfishwick.com or http://bit.ly/gIpWQ in aid of Cystic Fibrosis Trust. Donate!

755. Want to have a soup can wrapper designed by me? Visit @ http://ilovemattfishwick.com for #instructions & free download. #blog #fun #fiction.

758. At work the lightbulb over my desk has popped. Unfortunately this means I can’t have any new ideas until it is replaced.

761. Watched the Retweet channel last night, sorry I mean Dave 4:21 PM Sep 13th, 2009 via web

768. 53 get ups until #nanowrimo. in exercise terms that's 53 situps! 6:57 PM Sep 8th, 2009 via web

770. With great powder comes a reduced chance of chafing. 6:53 PM Sep 8th, 2009 via web

771. With great power comes a great big electricity bill.

781. #rememberwhen I was #pertinent?

785. Big day today! Got a Hare Krishna leaflet and a @jensenwilder business card. I'm unsure as to whether @jensenwilder is my God now...

799. One of my #teeth is chipped. Next time it should really be boiled, because it is healthier.

820. Either the lines between fact and fiction really have blurred, or my glasses need cleaning...

863. The computer is a tool. But then it probably doesn't think much of me either.

864. #newbandname #pilates for #pirates.

887. #Celebrating the 2nd #anniversary of my 25th #birthday

888. People call me a one man band, mainly because I have #cymbals strapped to my knees.

897. #spoiler #alert Tomorrow is #Monday.

928. #Idea for a #lowerback #tattoo (really small letters): If you can read this, you’d better buy me #breakfast. (and it must include hashtag)

936. The #Kindle will never replace the book. When you're caught short in the woods the #kindle is only good for two wipes. Maximum.

943. I knew #MichaelJackson would find a way out of those London gigs

949. wearing a sticker that says "Pink Lady" but only because I couldn't find an apple marked "T-Bird"

972. -- --- .-. ... . / -.-. --- -.. .

983. Results just in! I'm not pregnant, though peeing on that stick was fun.

986. 101 pages = #scriptfrenzy weiner, I mean winner!

992. #scriptfrenzy. I've just figured out how to see people replying to me. Sorry for the non responses. I love being a luddite

1000. is disappointing you.

Until next time,

Matt.

The Other Woman that I of course speak of, is That Joke Isn't Funny Any More. Like Tiger Woods, I regret the hurt that this has caused my family, but not really because to be offended they would actually have to read it...

Now, I know what you are thinking: "But Matt, even though I love you and would in all honesty wait for you forever in the believe that one day you will realise that I am the one for you, I'm very distrubed that you lied to me and that chapter 10 wasn't delivered on time as promised."

All I can saty to that baby is I'm sorry. I was having such fun in completing my NaNoWriMo novel that I forgot to post it online. I can only hope that chapter 10 makes up for this. If it doesn't then perhaps you can lower your standards. Though if you are reading this, there isn't much lower that you can sink (except may be to comment.)

If you missed any of the earlier chapters you can check in at the story index.