Marcel Marceau And The Charity Car Wash
In the past few weeks the people in the office where I work has decided to raise money for the Cystic Fibrosis Charity here in the UK. In addition to the the Bake-Off that happens each week on a Friday (see earlier blog post), Now we have the addition of a Charity Car Wash to drum up extra cash.
Now, I know what you are thinking: "But Matt, even though I love you and would without question cut out your lungs and leave you in a seedy motel in a bathtub full of ice, not only because I think you'd look cute turned blue (like a less talented and much more bloated Blue Man group with only one member) and to help those less fortunate, the fact of the matter is that a charity car wash is no good to me, as I don't own a car on top of that I can't drive."
Firstly that's a terrible thing to say. I need my lungs, how else am I supposed to get my nicotene fix? And before you say anything, I have tried taping cigarettes to my arms. But when I try and light them I just end up with third degree burns and melted skin. (I could have studied and realised that by using less lighters I could have got first degree burns, but that is another story for another time.) I should point out at this juncture that when combined with toast, melted skin is not a low calorie subsitute to cheese on toast.
Secondly, it's rather selfish of you not to drive and have a car isn't it? Sure the earth might be a little less poluted by you not driving, but you would be denying a charity a donation of £3.50 that they could put to better use than you travelling on a bus.
Ah, but honestly dearest, I have a solution to your dilemma.
You don't need a car to take part in this latest round of fundraising thanks to my latest ingenious idea. You see the charity car wash takes place on a Friday and due to a scheduling conflict both I, and my car, couldn't be there. Now, I really wanted to be there, but the car said that it was going elsewhere, with or without me. And due a clause in my insurance, apparently the car is not covered if no one is driving. As, according to the small print, the car is not classed as a sentient being. So now you understand why it was obvious that I couldn't be there.
So rather than just give money, and have those volunteers standing around chatting and possibly enjoying their lunch break, I wanted something in return, because you all know that I enjoy causing other people misery. So here is what I suggested:
One of the merry band of car wash professionals, must do their best Marcel Marceau impression and mime actually washing my car. Now I should remind you that my car is a 3-door VW Golf and perhaps the most important thing for this mime exercise is that the car is blue. I mention the dimensions of the car because I don’t want you miming an estate car, that isn’t what I paid for.
If you know anything about me, dear reader, then you know that I like my mime artistes like I like my humour. Subtle. That’s why I allowed the volunteers to wash the car whilst they battled any number of mimed hazzards from walking against a hurricane or while being trapped in box.
It should also be pointed out that those of you reading this who do not have a car can project whatever vehicle you aspire to own when investing £3.50 for a mimed car wash. Those of you with a car who are thinking of a trade-in but are unsure of exavctly what car to get next, could use the mimed car wash to theorise how long it would take you to wash you new car. You could pay for a few washes and then note the pros and cons of each potential new vehicle, especially when trying to clean it whilst trapped in a box.
But there is more to this miming that just pretending to wash a car! I wanted someone to capture this amazing event, just so that I could be sure that it had been done. I was assured that it was to be captured and presented to me.
It seems that I should have been more concrete in my requirements (i.e. I shouldn't have mimed them, and just told the volunteers what I had wanted or at least written them down and attached them to a pigeon who had 'The Knowledge' of how to get back to the office) for the whole miming thing was taken a little too seriously.
For you see, the official photographer, feeling left out of the the whole process, decided to mime taking photos of the event. This means that we have been in a little bit of a (mimed) pickle, for you see that this means that we have no proof that it actually happened.
I'm sure that if we had some photographic evidence, and not some mimed actions or even mimed drawings (do you like my mimed drawings, I imagined the pencil all by myself) reading this would have been much more fun and less anti-climactic.
Ah well, you can't have everything.
So that was this week's adventure in charity fundraising. Join us next week where we do something elaborate with bunny ears and a Geman Shephard (not the dog).
If you enjoyed this post, please consider making a donation to the CF Trust.
