The Best Of Times, The Blurst Of Times: 1,000 Monkeys Worked on 1,000 Tweets
The History
I first joined Twitter on 13th March 2009, and on Friday 16th April 2010 I posted my 1,000th Tweet.
I joined Twitter to basically keep in contact with the good people from around the world who were doing Script Frenzy. I was skeptical about the usefulness of Twitter when I first joined, given that I was limited to 140 characters (though people have told me, giving me that much space is perhaps too much freedom) and didn't think that I would use it that much outside of the Frenzy or NaNoWriMo events, but a strange thing happened. And once I had finally gone through puberty, I found myself putting more of my thoughts on Twitter.
I found it convenient for random thoughts (and thoughts that I believed may amuse other people) that did not warrant, or were not fully developed enough for their own blog posts. Though again, some people have said that if that were really true, there would be no I Love Matt Fishwick.com, but that is another tweet for another time.
The Self Indulgent Begging
At this point in the blog post, it is time for a little bit of Choose Your Own Adventure. If reading this blog post has wet your whistle and you decide to dip a toe into the twittery water, then please consider the following:
If you decide to follow me on Twitter: Use this link and I will follow you back.
If you decide NOT to follow me on Twitter: Use this link and I will dedicate at least 12 seconds to reading your tweets before blocking you in disgust.
The Future
And what does the future hold for me on Twitter. Well, I have hit 1,000 tweets. That's far more tweets than I ever thought that I would post, and it seems like a good place to stop, at least for a little while so that when my page is viewed by those curious, it will have the nice and even number of 1,000 in the counter.
Beyond that, I have a few plans of what I will be doing with the service. I'll have to do something worthy now that the entire public timeline tweets will go in the Library of Congress in the US. And it just goes to validate the old addage that you needn't bother backing your data up, because eventually the Library Of Congress will do it for you and make the entire results searchable.
And of course, currently my tweets are in the public timeline, but that could all change. Who is to know?
My Favourite Tweets
It doesn't sound very interesting, and clearly it isn't, but earlier in the year I talked about how I wanted to blog more. I reasoned that the actual blog entries don't have to contain entirely original content. So this blog post will be in a similar vein to all those TV "Top 100" Countdown shows that you see littering up the schedules. I thought that while this seemed good enough for free to air TV, it was also good enough for a free to internet Blog.
Unlike TV shows, I won't actually being doing any Talking Heads (mainly because I don't know the lyrics and can't play any instruments) about why I have chosen a particular tweet. I also won't be limiting myself to a set number, I'll just be listing the ones in retrospect that I find funny and/or interesting. There also won't be any setting the tweet in context. Most of my postings do not need other references.
Each Tweet will be given a number. That isn't a score, but rather the reverse order in which is was posted. For example in this set my very first tweet is numbered 1000 and my 1000th tweet is numbered 1. (Because when I copied them, the numbers were automatically added and I am too lazy to remove/renumber them).
So now without further ado, here comes the copy and paste:
1. Yay, my tweets will be saved for posterior. Oh arse, I think I got that wrong. #Profound #1000th Tweet. #LibraryOfCongress.
2. My entire life has been a mistake. At least that was it said in the birthday card from my parents.
5. Hey wall, if you could use one word to describe me, what would it be? http://twitpic.com/1g1rv2
8. I'm a triple threat. I can disappoint you mentally, emotionally and physically. #triplethreat
13. Co-worker appeared in office @ 7pm. I was surprised to see her. Normally, if I want to see her this late I have to look through her window.
16. I can tell I'm in tip top shape, as my tits only jiggle for a mere 15 seconds after I have finished cleaning my teeth.
31. Is it wrong that all items listed under Health & Fitness remain unread in my Feed Reader?
41. RIP Malcolm McLaren, without your controversy courting, the Country Life butter ads just wouldn't be the same.
61. I sent an email out inviting people to join my super group, but due to a typo we just ended up having a bite to eat.
68. I was dancing at a party once and everyone around me was shouting "Go Matt, Go Matt!" Turns out, they just wanted me to leave.
69. I was giving a house tour once and pointed at the vacuum cleaner saying exactly the same thing. RT @Surefiredaisy: Well, this sucks.
80. I can't hang around here all day, I have fetal positions to get into and tears to cry.
84. This morning I watched The Biggest Loser in High Definition. My new mirror is quite powerful.
85. Apparently, shouting "Burn In Hell" at someone in the office after they sneeze, is not appropriate.
89. #omgfact I've only ever been to one concert in my life. And before you ask, yes, Celine Dion was awesome.
104. Somewhere out there, he knew there was a girl with his name crudely etched on her forehead. He resolved to put a lock on that door. #vss
107. Did some gardening & dug up a bunch of animation cells. I think we can safely close the file on Carmen Sandiego.
117. My glutes are tweaking. I think they have a meth problem.
120. His love of the undead caused an abrupt end to his summer work experience at the morticians.
121. I WANT TO BE A PAGE 3 GIRL! I've filled out the application, practiced my natural poses and now I'm off to Tesco's to use the photo booth.
129. What do I want in bed? That's easy. You can never go wrong with a Cornish Pasty and a nice pillow. #cosmopolitan
131. Despite all evidence to the contrary, I am not, it appears, a Dapper Dan man.
138. Caution John de Lancie After Next Junction #startrek themed #motorway #signs
139. Entered an online comp but misspelled my name as matthjew. I think I've blown my chances of getting tickets to Hamas:The Backstage Tour!
146. By signing up for an iPad you are giving Steve Jobs first dibs on your organs should he need another transplant.
158. Catching up on Reading. According to Google Earth it is right where I left it.
159. They sat staring, surprised that the old man had so many touching stories. They decided he'd never be allowed to work as Santa again. #vss
161. Today I Learned I'm resistable. Fun until I found resistable/irresistable isnt interchangeable like flammable/inflammable. I also learned I'm flammable
166. In June 2009, Virgin Atlantic celebrated 25 years of not offering me a complimentary Business Class upgrade. #omgfacts
168. My next screenplay has a title: "The Men Who Stare At Coats" - The plot, like the source material, is very thin. #nichefilms #scriptfrenzy
170. That fog on the drive home was scary. Its a good thing that I kept my eyes shut for most of the time.
171. I have broken the button on my pants. I knew I shouldn't have eaten today.
172. I just cleaned my glasses. It now appears that all the dirt was actually in my mind.
186. I think I have invented a drink that no one has ever thought of before - Vodka and Irn Bru. I call it Irn Bra.
196. Ryanair plane from Liverpool hit by fire scare returns 2 the airport, but only because the passengers wouldn't pay £10 for fire extinguisher
200. 2010 Day 2: I have resorted to Pussycat Dolls DVD Workout. Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?
201. It is the first day of 2010 and now I am noticing that my mirror has put on a little holiday weight.
215. Adam came before Eve. Eve was bitterly disappointed. #vss
217. When you are drunk... I laugh and you forget. When I am drunk... Trees!
219. It's New Year's Eve Eve, also known as New Year's Eve Adam.
220. Getting ready to go out, by putting on my skin tight jeans. Sadly before Christmas, they weren't skin tight.
225. My trip was cancelled when I decided to fasten my shoelaces.
233. Just ran over a group of girls in my car. Surprisingly, they did not fall like dominos.
235. What will I remember most about this Christmas? The Pope is not a Weeble.
237. According to the TV, my fantasy girlfriend is just a 25p text away. Despite having this TV for 8 years it still doesn't know me that well.
240. Rapping presents. At this stage it's obvious the parfum doesn't have my mad freestyling skillz. This is one rap battle I totally can win.
241. I hate everything I stand for, which is mainly why I sit down now.
247. Singing "Touch-A, Touch-A, Touch Me" to the mirror. So far it is refusing. Maybe it needs more to drink.
248. Tim Curry singing "I Can Make You A Man". I don't think he's singing to me.
253. Lost £1.00 on the train. I had it to win, place or show. It didn't.
256. Apparently, exposing one's inner self does not mean dropping your pants at the railway station. I wish someone had told me sooner.
269. #omgfact by signing up for an iPod or iPhone you are giving Steve Jobs first dibs on your organs should he need another transplant.
272. No. 1 item on Christmas List: Terry Gilliam Chocolates. They are beset with production problems but the end results are quite magical.
273. It is hard to fall gracefully when you are naked.
274. If you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs, you may be an Executioner in France.
276. Someone once said I had a youthful glow. Well, I did used to summer at Sellafield.
281. In winter, do menthol iTunes help you hear more easily?
338. I want to die doing what I love... Having heart attacks.
376. Just had a great ego boost. A member of my compulsive liars group swears I'm exactly like Jesus. 5.5yrs to go then.
397. In #nanowrimo forum posts I am officially no longer using the word "count" as I keep inadvertantly missing out a key letter. #changedmeaning
430. Sometimes things happen for a reason and other times things happen for a raisin
431. "I'm looking for a real man," she said. He looked at his shoes. Just then the buzzer sounded and Pinocchio moved to the next table. #vss
432. Either kogakr-njtg isn't a word or my predictive text is apole.
435. #nottosayonfirstdate Do you want to guess how many rocks it would take to weigh you down? No? It'll be a surprise then.
450. RT @rosiebunny: I left @mattfishwick used and dirty... in the sink
452. I had a bit of a drunk and now I am slightly drink.
488. Maybe if I eat a little more I can declare myself both an island and a tax free haven.
496. Coffee and laptops don't mix unless you have a really powerful blender
497. Jesus Saves! With these handy coupons from Thrifty Mart.
541. Rejected Star Trek DS9 characters, vol. 1 - Kai Wayne Rooney
565. "That's you" appears on my Twitter Profile page. Handy because it allows me to verify that the underwear I have on is, in fact, not my own.
572.If you put sexual mores over a naked flame, eventually you'll get a sexual s'more.
574. I brought my boyfriend home. #mymomsaid " #HesNotThatIntoYou. " I was disappointed, but at least I caught the bouquet at their wedding. #vss
575. Parallel Parkin - 2 pieces of cake that will never meet.
609. Marcel Marceau And The Charity Car Wash Blog Post: http://bit.ly/4dokNy for the UK Charity Cystic Fibrosis Trust. Why Not Donate?
611. Old MacDonald learned his vowels: A E I O U
615. #mylasttweetonearth Despite its name, Davidoff's Cool Water is not a thirst quencher.
624. #igottacrushon people who can spell properly.
633. zzzz# '3w!4 p3q
637. #SmithsLyrics4DryCleaners “In the darkened underpants I thought ‘Oh God my chance has come at last.’” #Smiths #lyrics #DryCleaners
659. #smithslyrics4TheOverweight "To diet by your side, is such a heavenly way to diet" #lyrics #smiths #overweight
663. #smithslyrics4AquaticCreatures "Because I want to see people And I want to sealife" #lyrics #smiths #aquatic
676. A #poem before bed: Goodnight Moon, Goodnight stars, Goodnight women, in their bras.
683. As I said to my grandma on her deathbed, "This would be a lot easier if you didn't struggle." #TCTC
689. I sat in the doctor's office with my wife. "Leslie has severe memory loss," he said. "Who's Leslie?" I asked. #TCTC
690. Jo stared at Leslie's killer until her eyes were drawn to a smudge on the mirror. #TCTC
694. "The shoe is on the other foot now," she laughed, before turning and hobbling away. #TCTC
706. Jimmy was sad that he missed Grandpa's final moments, but was pleased to hear that he put up a good fight against the taxidermist.
713. Matt typed "Matt is" into Google and was surprised by the results. He swore he wasn't gay but his boyfriend had doubts. #TCTC
721. FYI "pimp" is not an option on my phone's predictive text. 1:07 AM Oct 3rd, 2009 via web
723. Want a designer baby but can’t afford it? Take a regular baby and apply a trendy iron-on decal. Tres Chic! The baby’ll be crease free too.
725. @CyranDorman - Or at least write a Choose Your Own Porn Adventure. Turn to page 5 if you decide to call a plumber. Page 6 for the pizza boy.
729. #haveuever tweeted something just to appear on a search results list?
736. If your tears taste like lollipops, is that the first sign of diabetes?
741. #LemonSponge Really Cleans Up. New blog post @ http://ilovemattfishwick.com or http://bit.ly/gIpWQ in aid of Cystic Fibrosis Trust. Donate!
755. Want to have a soup can wrapper designed by me? Visit @ http://ilovemattfishwick.com for #instructions & free download. #blog #fun #fiction.
758. At work the lightbulb over my desk has popped. Unfortunately this means I can’t have any new ideas until it is replaced.
761. Watched the Retweet channel last night, sorry I mean Dave 4:21 PM Sep 13th, 2009 via web
768. 53 get ups until #nanowrimo. in exercise terms that's 53 situps! 6:57 PM Sep 8th, 2009 via web
770. With great powder comes a reduced chance of chafing. 6:53 PM Sep 8th, 2009 via web
771. With great power comes a great big electricity bill.
781. #rememberwhen I was #pertinent?
785. Big day today! Got a Hare Krishna leaflet and a @jensenwilder business card. I'm unsure as to whether @jensenwilder is my God now...
799. One of my #teeth is chipped. Next time it should really be boiled, because it is healthier.
820. Either the lines between fact and fiction really have blurred, or my glasses need cleaning...
863. The computer is a tool. But then it probably doesn't think much of me either.
864. #newbandname #pilates for #pirates.
887. #Celebrating the 2nd #anniversary of my 25th #birthday
888. People call me a one man band, mainly because I have #cymbals strapped to my knees.
897. #spoiler #alert Tomorrow is #Monday.
928. #Idea for a #lowerback #tattoo (really small letters): If you can read this, you’d better buy me #breakfast. (and it must include hashtag)
936. The #Kindle will never replace the book. When you're caught short in the woods the #kindle is only good for two wipes. Maximum.
943. I knew #MichaelJackson would find a way out of those London gigs
949. wearing a sticker that says "Pink Lady" but only because I couldn't find an apple marked "T-Bird"
972. -- --- .-. ... . / -.-. --- -.. .
983. Results just in! I'm not pregnant, though peeing on that stick was fun.
986. 101 pages = #scriptfrenzy weiner, I mean winner!
992. #scriptfrenzy. I've just figured out how to see people replying to me. Sorry for the non responses. I love being a luddite
1000. is disappointing you.
Until next time,
Matt.
Soup Can
This past week I decided to be creative and design my own soup can. Okay, first off you should understand that it wasn’t the tin-coated steel container itself because my initial idea of pouring soup into the husk of a half eaten grapefruit was claimed by some in the soup industry to be both unhygienic and slightly less than airtight. No, what I actually created was labelling for said soup can. Not that the can could say anything you understand, but I had been genetically engineering grapefruit to vocalise their genetically modified turmoil So if the powers that be had green lit the grapefruit as a can idea then may be the containers would be at least moaning or screaming if not talking.
As my art skills are a less than just a little bit limited I didn’t want to go for a straight reproduction (where does the pollen go?) I decided to use photography. Alright, I know what you are thinking:
“Matt, even though I love you and God forbid we were stuck together in some remote frozen wilderness without supplies I would gladly kill you with a heavy rock, slice you open and crawl inside your flabby body to protect me from the harsh climate that without a doubt would have devoured us both. Getting back to my point, Matt I didn’t think that people from the north of England would be smart enough to diversify their portfolio from flat caps and whippets to buy a device that could capture a brief moment in time.”
To that I say, that’s way too much information and remind me to kill you first should we found ourselves atop a snowy peak. Secondly, that is kind of regionist. Moving beyond that, you be right. I don’t have a camera (and neither does my whippet), so I decided to “borrow” an image that I found. At this point I should tell you that this image wasn’t of me (though if it were, I would have spent more time hunched over it – studying) this was a photo of someone else (which you should have picked up when I wrote words that paraphrased “not me.”) For reasons of modesty, shyness and anonymity (mine, I assure you) Marcie of 34 Morecambe Crescent, Dudley, UK was the subject of the photograph.
Now that I had the photograph all that was left to do was to come up with something amazingly expressive that would astound the critics and would capture the hearts and minds of those naive enough to follow me (which to be honest isn’t that many people, yet) and place them in an ornate wooden, yet completely waterproof, box positioned on my mantelpiece.
Sadly, after a brain-storming session, which involved little more than placing my head under a faucet (though it may have been more productive to turn the water on) no ideas had dripped out. It was then that I decided to ape that mysterious artist: Building Society – he’s a little like Banksy but garners less interest – but then realised it was a little late in the day to get hold of a dozen rhesus monkeys with the ability to make the perfect chicken nuggets, especially since the local high street closed several hours earlier (at 5pm to those of you wishing to have an exact timing).You should already know it isn’t hard to get monkeys to make simply adequate chicken nuggets, but there is always a problem with the breadcrumb coating, which is always disappointing and the quality of the chicken they source is always less than you would normally desire. This doesn’t really have anything to do with the soup can itself so you probably could have skipped it and not missed much from the general narrative.
So once again, I sat at my desk with the photo and a blank canvas before me and I was feeling quite tired so I decided to invoke the computer magic to help me create a soup can label. It was amazing. Unfortunately for you dear reader, I no longer have the can in my possession (because it wasn’t my can in the first place) so I can’t show you the finished article. In any case even if I did still have access to the can I’m sure that it would roll off the scanner, so until they invent a soup can shaped scanner you will just have to make do with a poor artist rendering, so if you want my genius all over your cans just look at the instructions, download the PDF and follow the directions.
You will need:
1) A Computer
2) Electricity
3) Paper
4) Sticky Tape
5) Printer
6) Pen
7) Scissors
8) A grown-up to help you.
Instructions
1) Power up your computer, if you haven’t already done so.
2) Connect to the Internet
3) Navigate to http://ilovemattfishwick.com
4) Read the blog post.
5) Look at what you will need
6) Follow the instructions
7) Open the PDF (if you haven’t already got Adobe Reader, get it here)
8) Print off the PDF using some sort of Printer. If you haven’t got a printer handy I suggest that you hold the paper to the screen alter the contrast and trace the image using a pen.
9) Wrap the paper around the soup can (use no other type of can, because that would be wrong)
10) Use scissors to trim any excess paper
11) Get a grown-up to buy you alcohol
12) Sit back, drink and complain that the outcome wasn’t worth the effort.
Do not eat the contents of the can, because now you won’t know what it is.
Chapter 3 of That Joke Isn’t Funny Any More Published!
Hello kids, it's what you have been waiting for. Not only has Chapter 3 been written but it is now here at ilovemattfishwick.com!
Take a look at Chapter 3 with this link where you can download the latest chapter in pdf format or you can read it online.
You can also find the updated Chapter index of the story with links to all available chapters.
Have a fun week and be sure to check back soon for chapter 4!
Matt Fishwick v2.7
Yes, that's right kids I'm now celebrating the 2nd Anniversary of my 25th Birthday!
I've also decided to revamp the ol' blog. After all, there aren't many people who have blogs and we have to keep the standard up.
Can it get any better?
