I Love Matt Fishwick! Fiction and fun with Matt Fishwick

10Oct/140

Friday “Funnies” (Friday 3rd to Thursday 9th October 2014)

Rather than see my "jokes" disappear into the social media ether, I thought I'd put them where they will never be lost. Or looked at.

Presenting a round up of all the jokes that I wrote this week:

  1. When partaking in an office hours silent disco at an architectural firm, shouting "Raise the roof" can cost some people lots of money.
  2. I'm watching a paranoid thriller, but I fear it's not.
  3. Q. Why did the Elves join the army? A. To fight for the Santa Cause. #GoldCrackers.

That's right, only three. (If you can even call them jokes.)

And now, Presenting a round up of all the jokes that I wrote and submitted to Newsjack Series 11 Episode 3:

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. PERSON 1: Man walks into bar
    PERSON 2: Actually, that’s sheep. The printer ran out of ink.
  2. Forgetful man loses house keys. Uses national radio show to ask his wife to wait up for him. Please.
  3. The parody law is in effect. Also coming into effect: The Vanessa Paradis law, meaning we still can’t make fun of Johnny Depp or his beautiful man face.
  4. Angry Birds creator releases new game. Angry Former Employee.
  5. Protesters cut short Top Gear shoot, and I was *this* close to hitting Clarkson.
  6. Ex News of the World news Editor Ian Edmondson admits to phone hacking plot. So far the admission hasn’t boosted sales of his debut novel.

TV/RADIO LISTINGS:

  1. Two plumbers go head to head in Game of Thrones.
  2. Zammo! *sound effect* Techno! *sound effect* McClusky! *sound effect* New Truancy Officer Batman arrives at Grange Hill.
  3. Baby Got Bach. It’s Record Breakers.

See you next week for more hilarity, or check my Twitter feed and see me "live" tweet them.

Bookmark and Share
3Oct/140

Friday “Funnies” (Wednesday 1st to Thursday 2nd October 2014)

Rather than see my "jokes" disappear into the social media ether, I thought I'd put them where they will never be lost. Or looked at.

Presenting a round up of all the jokes that I wrote this week:

  1. Theresa May said "Our Values Will Beat Extremists." She's taking this supermarket price war a little too seriously.
  2. Chanel to release cologne for old men. They're calling it: Coco Pops.
  3. I used to have a terrible lollipop habit. But then I bought better quality ones, so everything is fine.
  4. It's the 1st of October, or Soctober as my footwear likes to call it.
  5. Cameron pledges tax cut for 30 million. FYI people, I can be bribed much cheaper than that.
  6. Cheryl Cole web links "most dangerous" says a security firm. I always knew she was piss poor at coding.
  7. So nervous about building my own home. I'm bricking it.
  8. This new Firm Support pillow is great. It's made me well rested, and it's rewritten my CV.

And now, Presenting a round up of all the jokes that I wrote submitted to Newsjack Series 11 Episode 2:

BREAKING NEWS

  1. Jason Orange has left Take That or, as Tory loving Gary Barlow put it: Transferred to a zero hours contract.
  2. Skirt size increase linked to breast cancer risk, says a study. Congratulations ladies, now it’s not just glossy magazines that make you feel bad, it’s science.
  3. Victoria Beckham speaks at UN event under the mistaken belief it was the French launch of her new perfume, One.
  4. David Cameron in crisis as Minister quits in sex scandal. Said Cameron: “The only way it could get worse is if GQ made me Humanitarian of the Decade.”
  5. University gives free tablets to new students. Careful kids, remember what happened to Zammo.
  6. Former government minister Brooks Newmarket makes formal complaint over explicit pictures tabloid story that forced him to resign. You could tell he wasn’t happy as he’d drawn a frowny face on his penis.

TV LISTINGS

  1. Gibbs and the gang head to the Middle East in a special episode of NCISIS.
  2. We look into the inner thoughts of Mark Reckless in Under The Dome.
  3. On Channel 4, a New Divorcee looks for a second property in this week’s edition of Double Your House For Half The Monet.

See you next week for more hilarity, or check my Twitter feed and see me "live" tweet them.

Bookmark and Share
27Jun/140

Friday “Funnies” (Friday 20th June to Thursday 26th June 2014)

Rather than see my "jokes" disappear into the social media ether, I thought I'd put them where they will never be lost. Or looked at.

Presenting a round up of all the jokes that I wrote this week:

  1. I've got a new book out today. It's due back at the library next Tuesday.
    Ha ha. That's a joke. The library closed down years ago.
  2. My defense attorney is amazing. She guessed my favourite song. "You're Unbelievable," she said. Totally going to be found Not Guilty.
  3. It's that rare trifecta this weekend. Glastonbury. The World Cup. Wimbledon. 3 events that I don't care about.
  4. Suarez didn't *bite* a member of the Italian team. He *auditioned* to be new McGruff the crime dog. Stereotyping Italians as criminals is wrong, though.
  5. Suarez is obviously trying to branch out into comedy by following the Rule of 3.

See you next week for more hilarity, or check my Twitter feed and see me "live" tweet them.

Bookmark and Share
20Jun/140

Friday “Funnies” (Friday 13th June to Thursday 19th June 2014)

Rather than see my "jokes" disappear into the social media ether, I thought I'd put them where they will never be lost. Or looked at.

Presenting a round up of all the jokes that I wrote this week:

  1. My suspicions were aroused, but now they're really tired and just want to go to sleep.
  2. Just seen vet put down a dog. The way they deal with heckling at this comedy club's serious. How's the noisy blind guy supposed to get home?
  3. Staycation Day 2. 3.20pm. Made it to the living room. I think that deserves a nap as a reward.

See you next week for more hilarity, or check my Twitter feed and see me "live" tweet them.

Bookmark and Share
13Jun/140

Friday “Funnies” (Friday 6th June to Thursday 12th June 2014)

Rather than see my "jokes" disappear into the social media ether, I thought I'd put them where they will never be lost. Or looked at.

Presenting a round up of all the jokes that I wrote this week:

  1. "Minds Changed" on Snap school inspections according to BBC. Crackle and Pop appear to be in the clear.
  2. At a carvery. This Bottomless Pepsi drink is a lie. I've had to refill the glass twice.
  3. Mistakenly bought some baby clothes. Can't send them back, so I'm going to have to wait 18 years before they're big enough to wear. They'd better not keep me up all night, either.
  4. Bought some baby clothes. They're going to keep me up all night, aren't they?
  5. I can't say enough. It's easy to type, though.
  6. If the shoe fits, it probably needs a higher dose of Epilim.
  7. Apparently, it's not the done thing to shout "Goodnight, John Boy" down the corridor of a Travelodge. I never heard replies like that on Walton's Mountain.
  8. Today I have used 60 Megs. I hope I was able to leave at least some of them satisfied.
  9. Sick of all this so called "Official" World Cup Merchandise. It's clearly fake, people. They've spelled Brazil with an s.
  10. Star Wars spin off to be shot in the UK. And yet, even with all this advance warning, it won't be given police protection.
  11. Coldplay just beat me at a game of Tetris. They were all yellow.
  12. Got online directions to a Carvery, but thanks to a predictive text mishap, I've ended up in a place where everyone's wearing shorts.
  13. Float like a butterfly, sting like a B in Maths.
  14. Tongue Twister. The low budget follow up to the Bill Paxton / Helen Hunt classic.
  15. Off to play Touch Rugby tonight. Might take a while, Google maps says it's quite far away.
  16. What have I learnt after spending years on the radio? Balance, mostly.
  17. It's taken 4 years, but the World Cup is finally on. It must be protecting some pretty huge testicles.
  18. Ronaldo's left Portugal training after 15 mins with an ice pack on his knee. Wish the ice pack would decide what it wants for Xmas already.
  19. I think I just did a football joke. Though I don't know who Ronaldo is or if Portugal even exists.
  20. I'm the coolest* guy in the room.
    *Closest to the air conditioner.**
    **I'm also home alone.
  21. I'm watching a "documentary" about the Stone Roses. It's all a lie. They're actually made of flesh and blood, not stones at all.
  22. This Stone Roses documentary is disappointing so far. Thought it was going to be the full line up, but I've not seen Johnny Marr anywhere. But the guy they've got subbing for Morrissey is an improvement, though.

See you next week for more hilarity, or check my Twitter feed and see me "live" tweet them.

Bookmark and Share
6Jun/140

Friday “Funnies” (Friday 30th May to Thursday 5th June 2014)

Rather than see my "jokes" disappear into the social media ether, I thought I'd put them where they will never be lost. Or looked at.

Presenting a round up of all the jokes that I wrote this week:

  1. They're going in a more dramatic direction with the Godzilla sequel. Currently titled: Roe v Wade v Godzilla
  2. #mygrannytheescort? Fancy. My granny is a Rover Montego. We can't get parts for her anymore.
  3. MGM, Warner Bros and Roland Emmerich are teaming up for a Stargate reboot. Just how far apart are the Ctrl, Alt and Del keys?
  4. People say you're over the hill at 40. This is especially true in winter if your brakes don't work.
  5. People say I'm over the hill at 40. I should be. The hill and I broke up when I was 18.
  6. E-cigarettes. Smokes for reminiscing northerners.
  7. Got sunburned today. Wish the sun would just say nice things about me.
  8. Somewhere deep within a shuttered Greggs, the day's baked goods are cloistered, ready to elect a new Sausage Roll Pope.
  9. Gonna have to complain about this baby changing bag I bought. Put baby in the bag and, upon removal, STILL A BABY! WTF? I wanted a zebra.
  10. Never assume anything about mirrors. It just makes an emu out of ss and a.
  11. Got asked for ID buying 2 packs of Horlicks. The booze and fags were fine, but at 32, I'm too young for the malted stuff. Got to be 70+.

See you next week for more hilarity, or check my Twitter feed and see me "live" tweet them.

Bookmark and Share
30May/140

Friday “Funnies” (Friday 23rd May to Thursday 29th May 2014)

Rather than see my "jokes" disappear into the social media ether, I thought I'd put them where they will never be lost. Or looked at.

Presenting a round up of all the jokes that I wrote this week:

  1. Just seen Godzilla on the flight to Japan. The leg room in First Class on these A380s must be amazing.
  2. Did I just have a sneezing fit? Well, it wasn't that attractive.
  3. It's weird sitting on this loo, and not having my phone to keep up with the world. Wait, how am I posting this?
  4. A moment on the lips, a lifetime of writing to the manufacturer about the shoddy durability of their lipstick.
  5. I'm halfway through Jurassic Park. John Hammond has done a remarkable job of getting full WiFi coverage here.
  6. Went for a Bank Holiday walk. Whose idea was it to put the Ensuite so far away?
  7. Driving to work, listening to Love Shack. It's what 4.30am was made for, other than sleeping. Or spending time with people you care about.
  8. I'm listening to Sheryl Crow. She should be more modest.
  9. Edgar Wright drops out of Ant Man. Ant Man must be huge. How did Edgar not get digested?
  10. I'm in Room 101. The bed is surprisingly comfortable.
  11. Told myself I'd just read a quick paragraph of Morrissey's Autobiography before bed. Haven't slept in 2 days.
  12. Google to make self drive cars. Wonder if we'll be able to change the wheels from Chrome to Firefox?
  13. At an improv workshop on Wednesday night I got called a right ****. Can't really complain, it's my first 4 star review.

See you next week for more hilarity, or check my Twitter feed and see me "live" tweet them.

Bookmark and Share
23May/140

Friday “Funnies” (Friday 16th May to Thursday 22nd May 2014)

Rather than see my "jokes" disappear into the social media ether, I thought I'd put them where they will never be lost. Or looked at.

Presenting a round up of all the jokes that I wrote this week:

  1. I'm going to take advantage of Gallery One's picture framing service. There's a picture of dogs playing poker that can be the fall guy to my crimes.
  2. I'm the only one on my side of the office today. Perhaps I should have showered. And worn pants. #WinnieThePoohStylee.
  3. It is difficult, but not impossible, to get work colleagues to frolic and dance about in an empty car park.
  4. Listening to the red hot chili peppers sing. I think someone's spike my drink.
  5. Antarctica's racked up record ice losses. But it's heading to Vegas for a long weekend and swears it can win it all back.
  6. Nikki Minaj drops her new single. I hope she was insured.
  7. Dropping your headphones in your baked beans can give your music a sultry sound.
  8. Just eaten two sandwiches very quickly at my desk. When my boss finds his lunch missing, he's going to be pissed. (Nothing to soak up the booze.)
  9. Thu 22/05/2014: Dear Diary, I can't wait to go out and vote tomorrow. We all need to pay attention to what's going on in the world.

See you next week for more hilarity, or check my Twitter feed and see me "live" tweet them.

Bookmark and Share
16May/140

Friday “Funnies” (Friday 9th May to Thursday 15th May 2014)

Rather than see my "jokes" disappear into the social media ether, I thought I'd put them where they will never be lost. Or looked at.

Presenting a round up of all the jokes that I wrote this week:

  1. A malfunctioning computer is the Highlander of the digital world. There can be only 1.
  2. Welcome to Eric's House of Offal. Come for the low prices, stay because the door is blocked with an excessive amount of pig innards.
  3. I'd say my core audience is my abdominals.
  4. I just walked away from a million pound contract. I'm sure I'll find broadband cheaper elsewhere.
  5. Looking at laptop bags in the supermarket. It's aspirational. The store detective will totally think I've got a laptop. And also Tourettes.
  6. I look so sweet, your eyes might develop diabetes.

See you next week for more hilarity, or check my Twitter feed and see me "live" tweet them.

Bookmark and Share
9May/140

Friday “Funnies” (Friday 2nd May to Thursday 8th May 2014)

Rather than see my "jokes" disappear into the social media ether, I thought I'd put them where they will never be lost. Or looked at.

Presenting a round up of all the jokes* that I wrote this week:

  1. I have cruelly been overlooked for an Employee of the Year nomination. Now I don't feel guilty for phoning in sick with fake illness today.

*I actually wrote about 12 other jokes this week that are topical for submission to episode 6 of the Kirrin Island podcast. Once they have been sent in, and rejected, I'll be posting them here at some point in the future.

See you next week for more hilarity, or check my Twitter feed and see me "live" tweet them.

Bookmark and Share