"It is never too early in the day to Do The Bartman."

So, when I finally got home I write it and tried to post it to her Facebook wall. However, due to the character limit, I was unable to post my full letter. So I ended up posting an abbreviated version.

She seemed happy with it, but I always wanted to write the full letter, so here without further ado, is the full director's cut of the apology, just for you, Pand and anyone else who reads this:

Hey Pand,

Sorry that I missed you tonight (though you are probably not that sorry and are in fact, relieved) I just thought that I would drop you a few lines to fill you in with what you missed by the absence of my presence.

Firstly, my goal of becoming Bromsgrove's premier Florence + The Machine tribute act came a step closer when I acquired a red wig and a slightly used hospital respirator. The respirator doesn't look that good in the red wig, but it does have that breathy exhale almost down to a T. My back up plan is for me to be Florence and to that extent I have learned 90% of the lyrics to "Rabbit Heart (Raise It Up)" by practicing in the car on the way home. I shall be sure to 90% serenade you with my newly acquired lyrical skillz the next time we meet.

In the event that you claim to have hearing problems, I have pre-emptively taken it upon myself to learn sign language from a fellow motorway commuter but, between you and me, it isn't working out too well and I now believe that his claims that he was a master of British Sign Language were just a mask for his insatiable road rage.

Secondly, I've had beans on toast for tea.

Lots of Love,
Matt xxx

It should be noted that the xxx above was a poor attempt at masking my surname, because you can never be sure what weirdos are out there looking at this on the internet.

So, hello weirdo, and welcome to my website.

Basically it is a plastic trophy with a little bit of kudos attached (if you are thinking money, imagine the change that you have in your pocket right now, being removed from your pocket, lest your pants also be part of the award, and superglued on to the trophy, and you would be no where near close). It's meaningless to the outside world, but to those within the company, it gives an indication as to how well liked that person is where they work.

In the run up to the actual presenting of the award, everyone in the company has the chance to nominate one individual who they think has done a great job that year to the Office Manager. After all the nominations have been received, the long list is then distributed and everyone in the company can then vote for one from the finalists. At the end of vting, a winner is crowned.

So why am I writing about this now? Well, it may be a shock to you, given how popular and likeable I am, but I wasn't nominated for this award last year. So this year, I decided to be more proactive in getting a nomination.

For Plan A, I decided to do the decent thing, and nominate myself with the following:

I will stand for Employee of the Month myself this year, as due to what can only described as a gigantic oversight, I lacked a nomination last year.

I should be nominated Employee of the Year as I’m a triple threat: I know the front door code, the alarm code and I know how to work the dishwasher. There is no one who is more beloved by me in this company than the person that I have nominated.

Apparently, this isn't the done thing and my nomination was not accepted by the Office Manager. I had an inkling that this plan would run into problems, so I decided to move to plan B. Plan B was a little more crafty, and didn't necessarily involve me being nominated. Its better if you just read the reasons that I sent:

Despite my canvassing I am unsure if I will be nominated for employee of the year, since it is apparently “not the done thing” to nominate oneself.

In that case it is time for plan B. To nominate someone else who will promise me a 1% cut if they win. And 1% is better than nothing at this point.

To that end, I would like to nominate Parisa, as her formidable marketing skills have me believing that she will honour this agreement.

Now surprisingly, this wasn't an acceptable reason, even though the Parisa reneged on the verbal contract shortly after the email was submitted.

So after my two quite brilliant schemes to get the prize money or at least a percentage of the prize money, I was all out of ideas until my campaign manager helped me draft a heatfelt plea:

I believe I should be employee of the year because of my unique problem solving skills, as demonstrated by my previous nomination (for myself).

Many people would like to be nominated for employee of the year but no one, until now, has had the initiative or been brave enough to nominate themselves. I believe that by offering myself for nomination I am providing evidence of the creative thinking that makes me such an asset to the team. It also shows I am proactive at finding solutions to problems and driven towards success.

While everybody else is taking the long and hard traditional route to this esteemed prize by working diligently I have shown that I do not simply follow the herd by composing this email instead. This approach is far more time economical than the traditional approach, showing that my fresh take on problem solving saves the company both time and money.

A vote for Matt Fishwick is a vote for the future!

Now all I had to do was wait. But that night I got hungry (and not just for results) so I decided to order a pizza. The pizza was good and once I had slaked my thirst for doughy goodness I was in possession of several uneaten slices.

In an act of pure altruism, well as altruistic as I am capable, I decided to leave the remaining slices for the denizens of the office. Now in order dissuade them from the existence of pizza faeries, I decided to let them know how had supplied this cold feast.

Thus my first campaign poster was born.

Click here to see the Poster in PDF format.

So if that quality bit of electioneering doesn't work, I don't know what will.

But we shall have to wait until May 4th before the shortlist is revealed, and then I can put that pizza on expenses.

After a number of months since my last post about improving myself (See Dec 31, 2009) I have been trying to improve myself. For the the good of myself and the others around me I stopped writing while I tried to lose weight. When that didn't work (the weight loss, not the ability to stop writing, though I did have the adverse affect that I had trouble starting to write again) I started to write again.

It didn't go well, so I threw that away. And I started again (by which I started Chapter 11 again and not the whole thing, much to other's shagrin). And now you can read the fruits of my labour here, conveniently titled Chapter 11. So go forth and and read and comment (you know you want to!)

Don't forget, that if you missed any of the earlier chapters in the story (and chances are that you have) you can find them here at the "That Joke Isnt Funny Any More" index page or by the fiction link at the top of the blog.

Have a good weekend,

Matt.

The Other Woman that I of course speak of, is That Joke Isn't Funny Any More. Like Tiger Woods, I regret the hurt that this has caused my family, but not really because to be offended they would actually have to read it...

Now, I know what you are thinking: "But Matt, even though I love you and would in all honesty wait for you forever in the believe that one day you will realise that I am the one for you, I'm very distrubed that you lied to me and that chapter 10 wasn't delivered on time as promised."

All I can saty to that baby is I'm sorry. I was having such fun in completing my NaNoWriMo novel that I forgot to post it online. I can only hope that chapter 10 makes up for this. If it doesn't then perhaps you can lower your standards. Though if you are reading this, there isn't much lower that you can sink (except may be to comment.)

If you missed any of the earlier chapters you can check in at the story index.

Welcome to a completely on schedule posting for Chapter 9, the latest chapter in the permanent mechanical fasterner, I mean riveting (damn this auto thesaurus) online story, That Joke Isn't Funny Any More.

Now, I know what you are thinking: "But Matt, even though I love you and would in all honesty believe that one day you will be the mother of my child, I know that if I am to sustain interest in this story, the publication schedule will have to be more ontimely for the next edition."

I feel less bad now that you have used the word ontimely in your critique of me. You should have used the word untimely according to the auto corrector of my spell checker, as in "untimely death" though I have a feeling that you think my death will never be untimely.

So I do hold my hands up and I can say, as the blood rushes from my extremities, that honestly baby I have been busy with NaNoWriMo and it won't happen again. Okay, in all honesty it will happen again if you want another chapter in Movember (it is like November, but the dates will have to move. According to Wikipedia it is also a Cow's favourite month) but once December rolls around I can get back to disappointing you both on time and under budget.

So go read and be merry and I will put a tentative date of chapter 10 being published on Sunday November 29th, and while you are pressing me for more information, the year will be 2009.

Don't forget to stay tuned for an upcoming blog post (probably this very Monday) reviewing the first half of my NaNoWriMo 2009 experience.

If you missed any of the earlier chapters you can check in at the story index.

What does concern me, and should concern you is that now chapter 8 of the online story "That Joke Isn't Funny Any More" is now available for your visual edification.

Now, I know what you are thinking: "But Matt, even though I love you and would in all honesty believe that we are meant to be together, I know that if I am any more edified then I'll realise that being edified doesn't just mean be accosted by a guy named Ed."

Well, you shouldn't go around learnin' new words and new definitions with fancy book learnun, because that would mean that we'd grow apart and I'd have to seriously consider chaining you to the radiator. In fact, that's where I'm going now. To get my chains.

So start reading, or start runnin'.

If you missed any of the earlier chapters you can check in at the story index.

"But Matt, even though I love you, and would without question put you within a hermetically sealed box so that you would last forever and never die, I am perfectly aware at what time it is. Don't you ever condescend to tell me what the big hand and little hand are doing, especially since your probably not wearing any pants."

Alright, I was wrong, but even though you may know the time in your locale, what you may not be aware of (unless you read the title of this blog post) is that Chapter 7 is now available for perusal and download.

If you missed any of the earlier chapters you can check in at the story index.

And yes, I am indeed wearing pants. Though the name in the back of them would suggest that they are not mine. But that is another story for another time.

"But Matt, even though I love you, and would even consider re-naming my first born child after your second cousin twice removed, don't you think that you should spend longer on these chapters so they'd be better?"

Firstly that's a flattering offer and his name is Fergus MacGuffin-Fishwick, though he doesn't like me very much. This is his website: www.ihatemattfishwick.com so I really don't know why I'm giving him free publicity. Anyway, beyond that, wouldn't changing your child's name be upsetting for your child? This is especially true if your child is like mine: aged 30, working in construction and named Rosco. But hey, I'm not here to judge you. To do that I'd have to visit your website. So tell me what it is then I can judge away!

Anyway, back to the point, Chapter 6 is now up for reading. I'll be working on Chapter 7 in the next week and hopefully it will be up by next weekend.

If you missed any of the earlier chapters you can check in at the story index.

Say hello to your little Fergus for me!

"But Matt, even though I love you, I'm not sure that you have the drive and ability to finish this story."

Thanks for that dear reader, but I do plan to have the whole thing finished before the start of NaNoWriMo on November 1st.

I know its been a couple of weeks since the last installment but I hope that the other posts kept you entertained in the interim. I had chapter 5 finished earlier in the week but just didn't have the opportunity to upload it until now. You can find find it here.

I'd estimate that the story has now probably reached the halfway point and right now I am writing chapter 6 (well actually right now I sm writing this blog post, but when this is finished I can be found writing chapter 6). It should be uploaded by next weekend.

Hope you're enjoying reading the story, and don't forget that if you missed a chapter you can find the main index page here.

Hope you are having an enjoyable weekend.