Creative Bankruptcy – Chapter 11 That Joke Isnt Funny Any More Returns!
That's right baby, I'm back!
After a number of months since my last post about improving myself (See Dec 31, 2009) I have been trying to improve myself. For the the good of myself and the others around me I stopped writing while I tried to lose weight. When that didn't work (the weight loss, not the ability to stop writing, though I did have the adverse affect that I had trouble starting to write again) I started to write again.
It didn't go well, so I threw that away. And I started again (by which I started Chapter 11 again and not the whole thing, much to other's shagrin). And now you can read the fruits of my labour here, conveniently titled Chapter 11. So go forth and and read and comment (you know you want to!)
Don't forget, that if you missed any of the earlier chapters in the story (and chances are that you have) you can find them here at the "That Joke Isnt Funny Any More" index page or by the fiction link at the top of the blog.
Have a good weekend,
Matt.
Delayed but Delightful – Chapter 10 That Joke Isnt Funny Any More
Yes children, it is back. That's right, now that the delight of NaNoWriMo 2009 is now over. I can return to "The Other Woman" with my tail (and perhaps maybe more, but definitely, definitely less) between my legs.
The Other Woman that I of course speak of, is That Joke Isn't Funny Any More. Like Tiger Woods, I regret the hurt that this has caused my family, but not really because to be offended they would actually have to read it...
Now, I know what you are thinking: "But Matt, even though I love you and would in all honesty wait for you forever in the believe that one day you will realise that I am the one for you, I'm very distrubed that you lied to me and that chapter 10 wasn't delivered on time as promised."
All I can saty to that baby is I'm sorry. I was having such fun in completing my NaNoWriMo novel that I forgot to post it online. I can only hope that chapter 10 makes up for this. If it doesn't then perhaps you can lower your standards. Though if you are reading this, there isn't much lower that you can sink (except may be to comment.)
If you missed any of the earlier chapters you can check in at the story index.
Day Late And A Dollar Short – Chapter 9 That Joke Isnt Funny Any More
Hello my onions, I mean my minions, and welcome.
Welcome to a completely on schedule posting for Chapter 9, the latest chapter in the permanent mechanical fasterner, I mean riveting (damn this auto thesaurus) online story, That Joke Isn't Funny Any More.
Now, I know what you are thinking: "But Matt, even though I love you and would in all honesty believe that one day you will be the mother of my child, I know that if I am to sustain interest in this story, the publication schedule will have to be more ontimely for the next edition."
I feel less bad now that you have used the word ontimely in your critique of me. You should have used the word untimely according to the auto corrector of my spell checker, as in "untimely death" though I have a feeling that you think my death will never be untimely.
So I do hold my hands up and I can say, as the blood rushes from my extremities, that honestly baby I have been busy with NaNoWriMo and it won't happen again. Okay, in all honesty it will happen again if you want another chapter in Movember (it is like November, but the dates will have to move. According to Wikipedia it is also a Cow's favourite month) but once December rolls around I can get back to disappointing you both on time and under budget.
So go read and be merry and I will put a tentative date of chapter 10 being published on Sunday November 29th, and while you are pressing me for more information, the year will be 2009.
Don't forget to stay tuned for an upcoming blog post (probably this very Monday) reviewing the first half of my NaNoWriMo 2009 experience.
If you missed any of the earlier chapters you can check in at the story index.
Chapter 8 of That Joke Isnt Funny Any More Now Published!
Yes, it is here, the moment you haven't been waiting any time at all for, unless you count the days since the lat chapter was released, in which case it is a few more than any time but not that many because the clocks have gone back an hour and now we are in GMT, unless you are a timezone that doesn't have daylight savings, but for this particular blog post, it isn't any of my concern.
What does concern me, and should concern you is that now chapter 8 of the online story "That Joke Isn't Funny Any More" is now available for your visual edification.
Now, I know what you are thinking: "But Matt, even though I love you and would in all honesty believe that we are meant to be together, I know that if I am any more edified then I'll realise that being edified doesn't just mean be accosted by a guy named Ed."
Well, you shouldn't go around learnin' new words and new definitions with fancy book learnun, because that would mean that we'd grow apart and I'd have to seriously consider chaining you to the radiator. In fact, that's where I'm going now. To get my chains.
So start reading, or start runnin'. 
If you missed any of the earlier chapters you can check in at the story index.
Chapter 7: That Joke Isn’t Funny Any More
Hellooo there kiddy winks! Its that time again. And just what time is it? Well, I know what you are thinking:
"But Matt, even though I love you, and would without question put you within a hermetically sealed box so that you would last forever and never die, I am perfectly aware at what time it is. Don't you ever condescend to tell me what the big hand and little hand are doing, especially since your probably not wearing any pants."
Alright, I was wrong, but even though you may know the time in your locale, what you may not be aware of (unless you read the title of this blog post) is that Chapter 7 is now available for perusal and download.
If you missed any of the earlier chapters you can check in at the story index.
And yes, I am indeed wearing pants. Though the name in the back of them would suggest that they are not mine. But that is another story for another time.
Chapter 6: That Joke Isn’t Funny Any More
Back with chapter 6 and quicker this time too. Turns out I had more written than I initially thought. I know what you are thinking though:
"But Matt, even though I love you, and would even consider re-naming my first born child after your second cousin twice removed, don't you think that you should spend longer on these chapters so they'd be better?"
Firstly that's a flattering offer and his name is Fergus MacGuffin-Fishwick, though he doesn't like me very much. This is his website: www.ihatemattfishwick.com so I really don't know why I'm giving him free publicity. Anyway, beyond that, wouldn't changing your child's name be upsetting for your child? This is especially true if your child is like mine: aged 30, working in construction and named Rosco. But hey, I'm not here to judge you. To do that I'd have to visit your website. So tell me what it is then I can judge away!
Anyway, back to the point, Chapter 6 is now up for reading. I'll be working on Chapter 7 in the next week and hopefully it will be up by next weekend.
If you missed any of the earlier chapters you can check in at the story index.
Say hello to your little Fergus for me!
Chapter 5: That Joke Isnt Funny Any More
So I'm back with the fiction again. And I know what you are going to say:
"But Matt, even though I love you, I'm not sure that you have the drive and ability to finish this story."
Thanks for that dear reader, but I do plan to have the whole thing finished before the start of NaNoWriMo on November 1st.
I know its been a couple of weeks since the last installment but I hope that the other posts kept you entertained in the interim. I had chapter 5 finished earlier in the week but just didn't have the opportunity to upload it until now. You can find find it here.
I'd estimate that the story has now probably reached the halfway point and right now I am writing chapter 6 (well actually right now I sm writing this blog post, but when this is finished I can be found writing chapter 6). It should be uploaded by next weekend.
Hope you're enjoying reading the story, and don't forget that if you missed a chapter you can find the main index page here.
Hope you are having an enjoyable weekend.
Chapter 4: That Joke Isnt Funny Any More
Hello there again.
Yes, dear reader, it has been a while since I posted chapter 3 but now chapter 4 of this online story is posted and you can find it by the Fiction link at the top of the page or by clicking here.
The delay was caused by the first two drafts of chapter 4 not being very good and being scrapped. I know what you are thinking:
"But Matt, though I love you and I want to put my babies inside you, the first three chapters weren't very good either. It isn't like you set the bar really high."
All I can say to that, is that you are being rude and that although the bar isn't exactly Everest or any other mountainous object I could look up but care not to it's slightly above floor level (some would say a wheel chair ramp is required) and it would be worth you looking at it because I poured someone's heart into it, even though they didn't want to and they put up quite a struggle. I tried to be nice about it and dance for them (just one of the reasons why I always travel with my tassles - but that's a whole other story) but they were having none of it and I had to resort to other measures. (And that's just one of the reasons why there is a shovel in my car)
And just like the story, this blog post isn't funny any more. (See what I did there?)
In Search of a Robotic Typing Monkey.
On a forum that I frequent, someone asked how my search for a creature to do my bidding was going. Not like that, you pervert. Well at least until they had clocked off - Because I wouldn't be doing it for their enjoyment. At all. By bidding, I obviously mean the typing up of my novel from its current hand written form to something a little more binary.
See back in 2007 I participated in something so extra-ordinary that it wasn't just ordinary and it needed an "extra-" to be concatenated at index 0. (If that makes little sense to you, then imagine how little sense it makes to me). It was NaNoWriMo, and it still is. (Linky to the opposite of lefty -> ) The objective is to write a 50,000 novel in 30 days. While I succeeded in finely handcrafting each sentence to get to the 50,000 word mark (in case you were wondering, the word in question wasn't "Mark", although now that I think of it, he would have been a fitting subject. Hello Mark), the novel wasn't finished. I didn't let that stop me though. I wanted the novel typed in all its error-scrawled first draft glory, so I set about finding someone to do it.
The search started quite well, I corresponded with several viable candidates, all of whom were eminently qualified (and were dutifully encouraged to tell me what the word eminently meant, because I had no idea, and to some extent I still don't). After what I thought was a rather productive on-line meeting with the pet of a Nigerian Prince I was encouraged to send $100,000 (that’s US Dollars, not the ill-fated Matt Bucks I tried to launch in late nineties to less than critic acclaim) as a show of faith. It was sent, but after several months I hadn’t heard anything, so I sent another hundred grand to show him just how faithful I was capable of being. It came to nothing though, as that monkey went on to invest that money with Bernie Madoff, so the joke’s on him I guess.
After that particular episode I, with my funds severely depleted, I altered my criteria so now I wasn't just looking for someone who had low standards, but for someone who wasn't just cheap and free, but could also provide their own transport too. Where-ever would I find someone like that? It was then it hit me. Well, the branch did and after a brief stint of tree surgery without any pain-relief (well, that’s not entirely true – I did have several hits of nitrous oxide beforehand), it was back to my quest to find that monkey. And I knew that I had to continue my search on the Internet, because putting that ad in the back of Razzle only firmed up my weekend social life.
And find him on the Internet I did, dear reader. We hit it off instantly, well as well as a man and a drug-addled robotic monkey could. Although, looking back I think we just got on well, because he copied my Facebook profile, but hey I was glad to have the friend that got me to the magic 2 friends.
So that brings us up to last Thursday when my friend posted this (and asked me for hundred grand in Matt Bucks)
Matt, I love you and will be yours forever, but what happened to you finding a robotic typing monkey?
This is the answer that I gave:
It was all downhill after he moved in. And we got on so well while chatting online. After a week or two he insisted on his "friend" crashing on the couch. I'd wake up in the middle of the night and they'd be flinging sh*t at one another. It didn't help that he would fling robotic faeces at me, either. I don't know what he had been eating, but lemme tell you, there were bolts in it. And those bolts hurt. On top of that his first act of typing my glorious magnum opus was to wipe his behind with it. Everyone is a critic. With his inner editor working overtime, he gave up after two pages and eloped with a writer who he claimed "at least had a shot" at literary aspirations and wasn't just some "genre hack", leaving me with his freeloading friend. The only upside was that his “friend” was delicious, if not a little stringy but the “friend” hasn't been listed as missing in any of the five boroughs, yet.
So at least I got a free meal out of it.
So the search continues. If you, or anyone you know is a robotic typing monkey, or even just a house-trained typing monkey without a hint of robot ancestry, then drop me a line. Although I'd prefer it if you didn't drop any lines as that just shows a lack of typing comprehension and will make what little sense there is in the story vanish.
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