Introducing National Novel Writing Month 2009
Hello there peoples. Yes, I am back, but a short time after the last post to provide you with a little info on NaNoWriMo, or National Novel Writing Month for not short.
I know what you are thinking: "But Matt, even though I love you and would like nothing more than for you to write me a epic story, full of thrills, spills, and a narcoleptic narwhal, isn't National Novel Writing Month an American event?"
The answer to that is Yes. It is an American event, but like American Football, Sausages on a stick wrapped in pancakes, or even heart disease it is making its way to the shores of the UK. Okay, maybe not the sausage and pancake stick, but you get my point.
Okay, there was no point, except to say that NaNoWriMo now has an international flavour, just like licking one of those plastic seats at an airport.
So what is NaNoWriMo?
Well, the people behind National Novel Writing Month are a little cryptic in what they do but I think it has something do do with milking cows, and milking them really fast. But while they sit in an office in California and drain the udders of unsuspecting livestock, everyone else who has signed up around the world bashes out a 50,000 word novel during November. This equates to writing a mere 1,667 words each day to get your 50,000 word total by the end of the month.
So when does this happen?
In November. Sometimes I think that you don't pay attention to me. Wait, don't go. I'm so lonely. To be more specific, It takes place from November 1st to November 30th (local time) of this year and every year for the past 11 years. I've been doing it since 2007 and this will be my first year with the Liverpool local chapter.
So where does this happen?
All. Over. The. World. Each participant can join a local region. As I wrote above, this will be my first year associated with the Liverpool region. Each region is run by one or many volunteers. There are also the online forums to enable people to interact with other participants. I've met many great people in the forums and in person.
So what do I win?
A certificate.
No seriously, what do I win?
Seriously. A certificate. But not just a certificate, but an online certificate that you have to print out yourself if you want to attach it to your wall or any other type of load bearing structure and gaze at it adoringly. You also get to win whatever you manage to write in that month. The real prize is creativity. You may have a complete novel by the end of the month, or you may have the foundations to build that great novel. Or you may have a door stop or something to burn on those long cold December evenings once the event has finished
What do I write on?
You write on paper. You write on a computer. You write on the face of a chubby child (or a chubby adult, if your handwriting isn't small and neat). You write on whatever medium (or large) takes your fancy. However, in order to get your certificate, your word count must be validated electronically by a word count widget on the NaNoWriMo site (available between the 25th and 30th of November).
So I could cheat without writing anything?
I suppose. But that isn't very creative.
Is NaNoWriMo free?
NaNoWriMo costs a lot to run and maintain, though signing up doesn't cost anything, the event is run through donations.
Can I continue something that I've already started?
No. The object of National Novel Writing Month is to begin a story from scratch on November 1st, though you may do all the planning you wish to before this date, the actual novel should only be started on November 1st. Though if you have only just heard about the event through this blog post, you have just over a day (depending upon your timezone) to plan your novel. But don't worry, I haven't got an idea for mine yet, either.
Does this mean that your story: "This Joke Isn't Funny Any More" has been abandoned
No. While I will be writing something new for NaNoWriMo in November, the story will continue to be published on this website. You can find the chapter index here. The next chapter will be published on Friday 13th November, 2009. I hope 
Okay, you convinced me. Where do I sign up?
You can sign up at www.NaNoWriMo.org. Then just join us on the forum or at a local meet in your area. Have fun. I know I will. Get your pen ready. See you at the starting line at 12.01am on November 1st!
Cheers,
Matt.
If you enjoyed reading this post, please consider donating to the good folks that run NaNoWriMo, the Office Of Letters and Light.
Marcel Marceau And The Charity Car Wash
In the past few weeks the people in the office where I work has decided to raise money for the Cystic Fibrosis Charity here in the UK. In addition to the the Bake-Off that happens each week on a Friday (see earlier blog post), Now we have the addition of a Charity Car Wash to drum up extra cash.
Now, I know what you are thinking: "But Matt, even though I love you and would without question cut out your lungs and leave you in a seedy motel in a bathtub full of ice, not only because I think you'd look cute turned blue (like a less talented and much more bloated Blue Man group with only one member) and to help those less fortunate, the fact of the matter is that a charity car wash is no good to me, as I don't own a car on top of that I can't drive."
Firstly that's a terrible thing to say. I need my lungs, how else am I supposed to get my nicotene fix? And before you say anything, I have tried taping cigarettes to my arms. But when I try and light them I just end up with third degree burns and melted skin. (I could have studied and realised that by using less lighters I could have got first degree burns, but that is another story for another time.) I should point out at this juncture that when combined with toast, melted skin is not a low calorie subsitute to cheese on toast.
Secondly, it's rather selfish of you not to drive and have a car isn't it? Sure the earth might be a little less poluted by you not driving, but you would be denying a charity a donation of £3.50 that they could put to better use than you travelling on a bus.
Ah, but honestly dearest, I have a solution to your dilemma.
You don't need a car to take part in this latest round of fundraising thanks to my latest ingenious idea. You see the charity car wash takes place on a Friday and due to a scheduling conflict both I, and my car, couldn't be there. Now, I really wanted to be there, but the car said that it was going elsewhere, with or without me. And due a clause in my insurance, apparently the car is not covered if no one is driving. As, according to the small print, the car is not classed as a sentient being. So now you understand why it was obvious that I couldn't be there.
So rather than just give money, and have those volunteers standing around chatting and possibly enjoying their lunch break, I wanted something in return, because you all know that I enjoy causing other people misery. So here is what I suggested:
One of the merry band of car wash professionals, must do their best Marcel Marceau impression and mime actually washing my car. Now I should remind you that my car is a 3-door VW Golf and perhaps the most important thing for this mime exercise is that the car is blue. I mention the dimensions of the car because I don’t want you miming an estate car, that isn’t what I paid for.
If you know anything about me, dear reader, then you know that I like my mime artistes like I like my humour. Subtle. That’s why I allowed the volunteers to wash the car whilst they battled any number of mimed hazzards from walking against a hurricane or while being trapped in box.
It should also be pointed out that those of you reading this who do not have a car can project whatever vehicle you aspire to own when investing £3.50 for a mimed car wash. Those of you with a car who are thinking of a trade-in but are unsure of exavctly what car to get next, could use the mimed car wash to theorise how long it would take you to wash you new car. You could pay for a few washes and then note the pros and cons of each potential new vehicle, especially when trying to clean it whilst trapped in a box.
But there is more to this miming that just pretending to wash a car! I wanted someone to capture this amazing event, just so that I could be sure that it had been done. I was assured that it was to be captured and presented to me.
It seems that I should have been more concrete in my requirements (i.e. I shouldn't have mimed them, and just told the volunteers what I had wanted or at least written them down and attached them to a pigeon who had 'The Knowledge' of how to get back to the office) for the whole miming thing was taken a little too seriously.
For you see, the official photographer, feeling left out of the the whole process, decided to mime taking photos of the event. This means that we have been in a little bit of a (mimed) pickle, for you see that this means that we have no proof that it actually happened.
I'm sure that if we had some photographic evidence, and not some mimed actions or even mimed drawings (do you like my mimed drawings, I imagined the pencil all by myself) reading this would have been much more fun and less anti-climactic.
Ah well, you can't have everything.
So that was this week's adventure in charity fundraising. Join us next week where we do something elaborate with bunny ears and a Geman Shephard (not the dog).
If you enjoyed this post, please consider making a donation to the CF Trust.
Lemon Sponge Really Cleans Up Competition
In the past few weeks the people in the office where I work has decided to raise money for the Cystic Fibrosis Charity here in the UK. A bake off was decided (being that most people like food) and those that wished to enter the bake off were divided into competing brackets. Two people each week would bake a cake going head to head or cake to cake. These amateur bakery specimens were placed in the office kitchen anonymously (though I am sure that some one knew who put them there). The rest of the staff could then vote which cake (imaginatively labelled Cake “A” and Cake “1”) was the winner by paying for a slice and then voting. The winner would be revealed and that person would advance to the next round.
I know what you’re thinking: “Matt, even though I love you and would smite down your enemies just for a chance to be in your presence for just the briefest of moments, I can’t believe that you don’t think that we know how any anonymous bake-off in aid of CF would work. In fact the more I think about it the angry I get because that is just stupid and quite frankly after all that I would only be willing to maim and not kill for you.”
Well thank you for your honesty, but honestly I am quite capable of maiming and to be honest you interrupted before I got to the meaty bit of the Wedge (and I’m not talking about the Australian Sketch Show here). So back to my main point before I was rudely interrupted which was that this week was the first bracket in round one.
The competitors, we’ll call them Competitor 2 and Competitor B were tasked with making a lemon cake. Now here is the bit where I come in. We all know that I’m not the world’s greatest baker but I figured that the people of the office needed a third party candidate option lest the votes be split down the middle and then nobody would be a winner. So on Thursday I resolved to create my masterpiece. And I did. First let us take a look at all the entrants: (All images courtesy of Jamie Wu)
The Contestants Line Up At The Starting Grid
Can you guess which one was created by me? I'll give you a hint. This is how I described my entry:
Yes we have “scoured” the competition and we can reveal there is another entrant. A dark horse, if you will. In the world of thoroughbreds this one would be a glue stick.
The recipe: A delightful three slice lemon sponge with real lemons and a cheeky little lemon jus.
Vote for this entrant and it will really clean up.
Yes kids, you've guessed it, it was this fine looking filly of a cake:
Close Up of my beloved entry.
The top layer of my lemon sponge with actual lemon decoration.
Judging by the look on your face you are as pleased with this as I am (And if you don't want me looking at you, turn off your webcam. And pull up your pants). Sadly not as many people as I'd hoped voted for my offering, but there were enough that my lovingly prepared palette cleansing cake came second.
"You came second" I hear you say, and yes, I have had a problem with endurance in the past but that is all behind us now and this really isn't the proper forum for those sorts of discussions.
But I know the real reason why your reading this (apart from to escape from your work-a-day lives for just a second) is that you want to make on of these masterpieces to impress your friends, relatives and that guy who spends too much time outside your house stood by the bushes wearing nothing but a raincoat.
So in order to do that, you will need:
- Time on your hands
- A lack of anything better to do.
You will also need the following ingredients:
- Washing up Sponge x 2 (Preferrably yellow)
- An unquantifiable amount of Lemons, say perhaps 2
- A knife - so you can threaten a grown up into doing it for you
- Yellow washing up liquid
- A plate
- A phone
- A "Friend"
- Access to a building
- The telephone number for Poison Control
- An alibi
Note: You may need to use a knife to force your way into the building.
Step 1: Go inside a building.
Step 2: Put the plate on a flat surface.
Step 3: Laugh hysterically at how you're the first person to think of doing this.
Step 4: Put a sponge on the plate.
Step 5: Cut the lemons into slices with the knife. (Or your razor sharp wit)
Step 6: Arrange the lemons artistically over the first sponge.
Step 7: Slap down the second sponge in any old haphazard manner.
Step 8: Add a lemon slice to the top of the cake.
Step 9: Get the bottle of washing up liquid.
Step 10: Liberally pour the jus over the cake. You will need to use a lot as those sponges are incredibly sponge-like.
Step 11: Call your "friend"
Step 12: When "friend" arrives offer a slice of cake. Remember to add more jus and cackle maniacally as required.
Step 13: Call poison control
Step 14: Get your story straight. A.K.A alibi (or bye ali if she decides to leave).
So here's looking forward to next week's bake off competition and who knows, may be I can show of my master baking skills once again. I just have to find some green sponges for my lime cake...
If you enjoyed this post, please consider making a donation to the CF Trust.
