Vote Pedro: The Pizza and Politics Edition
Every year the company I work for, has its own general election and gives out an Employee Of The Year Award.
Basically it is a plastic trophy with a little bit of kudos attached (if you are thinking money, imagine the change that you have in your pocket right now, being removed from your pocket, lest your pants also be part of the award, and superglued on to the trophy, and you would be no where near close). It's meaningless to the outside world, but to those within the company, it gives an indication as to how well liked that person is where they work.
In the run up to the actual presenting of the award, everyone in the company has the chance to nominate one individual who they think has done a great job that year to the Office Manager. After all the nominations have been received, the long list is then distributed and everyone in the company can then vote for one from the finalists. At the end of vting, a winner is crowned.
So why am I writing about this now? Well, it may be a shock to you, given how popular and likeable I am, but I wasn't nominated for this award last year. So this year, I decided to be more proactive in getting a nomination.
For Plan A, I decided to do the decent thing, and nominate myself with the following:
I will stand for Employee of the Month myself this year, as due to what can only described as a gigantic oversight, I lacked a nomination last year.
I should be nominated Employee of the Year as I’m a triple threat: I know the front door code, the alarm code and I know how to work the dishwasher. There is no one who is more beloved by me in this company than the person that I have nominated.
Apparently, this isn't the done thing and my nomination was not accepted by the Office Manager. I had an inkling that this plan would run into problems, so I decided to move to plan B. Plan B was a little more crafty, and didn't necessarily involve me being nominated. Its better if you just read the reasons that I sent:
Despite my canvassing I am unsure if I will be nominated for employee of the year, since it is apparently “not the done thing” to nominate oneself.
In that case it is time for plan B. To nominate someone else who will promise me a 1% cut if they win. And 1% is better than nothing at this point.
To that end, I would like to nominate Parisa, as her formidable marketing skills have me believing that she will honour this agreement.
Now surprisingly, this wasn't an acceptable reason, even though the Parisa reneged on the verbal contract shortly after the email was submitted.
So after my two quite brilliant schemes to get the prize money or at least a percentage of the prize money, I was all out of ideas until my campaign manager helped me draft a heatfelt plea:
I believe I should be employee of the year because of my unique problem solving skills, as demonstrated by my previous nomination (for myself).
Many people would like to be nominated for employee of the year but no one, until now, has had the initiative or been brave enough to nominate themselves. I believe that by offering myself for nomination I am providing evidence of the creative thinking that makes me such an asset to the team. It also shows I am proactive at finding solutions to problems and driven towards success.
While everybody else is taking the long and hard traditional route to this esteemed prize by working diligently I have shown that I do not simply follow the herd by composing this email instead. This approach is far more time economical than the traditional approach, showing that my fresh take on problem solving saves the company both time and money.
A vote for Matt Fishwick is a vote for the future!
Now all I had to do was wait. But that night I got hungry (and not just for results) so I decided to order a pizza. The pizza was good and once I had slaked my thirst for doughy goodness I was in possession of several uneaten slices.
In an act of pure altruism, well as altruistic as I am capable, I decided to leave the remaining slices for the denizens of the office. Now in order dissuade them from the existence of pizza faeries, I decided to let them know how had supplied this cold feast.
Thus my first campaign poster was born.
Click here to see the Poster in PDF format.
So if that quality bit of electioneering doesn't work, I don't know what will.
But we shall have to wait until May 4th before the shortlist is revealed, and then I can put that pizza on expenses.
Creative Bankruptcy – Chapter 11 That Joke Isnt Funny Any More Returns!
That's right baby, I'm back!
After a number of months since my last post about improving myself (See Dec 31, 2009) I have been trying to improve myself. For the the good of myself and the others around me I stopped writing while I tried to lose weight. When that didn't work (the weight loss, not the ability to stop writing, though I did have the adverse affect that I had trouble starting to write again) I started to write again.
It didn't go well, so I threw that away. And I started again (by which I started Chapter 11 again and not the whole thing, much to other's shagrin). And now you can read the fruits of my labour here, conveniently titled Chapter 11. So go forth and and read and comment (you know you want to!)
Don't forget, that if you missed any of the earlier chapters in the story (and chances are that you have) you can find them here at the "That Joke Isnt Funny Any More" index page or by the fiction link at the top of the blog.
Have a good weekend,
Matt.
2010: An Improvement Odyssey
Warning: This blog post contains letters, numbers and other special characters put together in such a way to create adult language, situations, language, characters and language that you may find offensive. This blog post should not be viewed by any one under the age of 18, over 65, those with a heart condition or just people with general good taste.
I decided that I needed to update this blog, as it had been neglected over this past month. I had been hoping to update it with the next chapter of my online story but I can’t seem to get that going again after NaNoWriMo 2009 as every attempt I have made has turned to shit, so I have substituted that blog post with this one.
I doubt that there will be anything of interest to anyone out there, other than me. So read ahead at your own risk and prepared to have your illusions about me shattered like a piece of Violet Crumble. So with that said and only 3 hours and 33 minutes of the year remaining lets get this thing moving. The quest to improve Matt Fishwick begins at the stroke of midnight. As long as midnight doesn't mind being stroked.
The Past
In looking at the future I decided to look back at the past and see just exactly what I had accomplished this year…
…It turns out that it isn’t much in terms of material things.
I started the year in Australia and after a week I was back in the UK. The same old workaday routine followed for the next couple of months with me trying to start writing fiction again and other than trying to fill out an expenses form I managed very little.
In the lead up to April’s Script Frenzy I met an amazing group of new people in Liverpool. I’m sure they have been people since before I met them but I cannot confirm this. They are writerly types. They are awesome and they know who they are. I was happy to make new friends and I can’t believe that I actually plucked up the courage to go to Liverpool (See, hours of listening to a confidence building CD over and over and over again actually paid off). I know it isn’t that far away, geographically but it felt so far away. I still feel like a fraud whenever I write in their presence though. These people have so many cool and great ideas and I struggle with a shopping list.
In April for the Script Frenzy itself, I wrote a pretty shitty script. Well, actually it was a reimagining of the previous year’s script that had also end up being shit. It wasn’t even on the level of Tim Burton and Marky Mark’s reimagining of Planet Of The Apes (get me with all these cool and hip references). As I look at that sentence I realise that I should have reimagined my script to be Planet Of The Aces where at the end Dirk Diggler realises that he had an inside straight all along.
April gave way to May and there was a TGIO party organised in Liverpool. And shock horror! I actually went. Hooray for me. I even stayed in a hotel and not on a park bench. This is why many people have referred to my dress style as tremp. (Aka temporary tramp) Because let’s face it you have to dress for every eventually. What was even more amazing was the fact that the hotel room was free. Only because of the refund I got when the people in the room next door decided to brawl with each other at three in the morning. I had to ask for the refund (and I surprised myself by actually asking for it) and I got it. So that was the highlight of May.
While I tried in May and June and July to continue writing fiction it never happened. Boo! Hiss! He’s behind you! And all that other pantomime crap. But then in August there was another Liverpool Writers Meeting. For which we were asked to write a 1000 words on a topic of “That Joke Isn’t Funny Any More”. I surprised myself as I actually wrote it. (I subscribe to many a writing magazine and always plan to enter the competition but then I never manage to write anything or start it only to put it aside and then miss the deadline. I wish I had good ideas. Even writing this blog post seems like a bad move at the moment.) Actually I wanted to impress the Liverpool people. Perhaps I did just by showing up, even if the do pick out of the way places that I get lost on the way to and I did have to be lead there by someone who knew where they were going.
August was an important month. As I wrote the story or at least the first part of a story I realised that I should pay more attention to actually writing stuff if I was ever going to get serious about it. So this very website was born.
Other things in my life didn’t exactly go as I planned them. Like the time that I bought the book Yes Man by Danny Wallace after seeing the film earlier in the year. I decided to follow his example and start saying yes more. Sadly I had to stop on day 3 after the Gonorrhoea symptoms started showing. They say you can’t have everything, but at that clinic, I learned differently.
In September I decided to focus on writing more of my online story and I was true to my word. I did write more and over the next several months (until December 4th at least) I had managed to write a publish the first 10 chapters.
At the start of November I took a break from my online story to participate in NaNoWriMo 2009. That was successful and as detailed in other blog posts that I have put more effort into I met many more cool Liverpool people. They are aces. Still, no matter how many times I listened to that CD I still felt a fraud when I was writing near them. I should probably be listening to it more.
After November came and went, I felt used as I hadn’t even been paid. Now it was December and I made the foolish mistake of having a break from writing and now I can’t seem to get started again. I guess I’m writing this in an effort to kick start my brain. Though I do find that when I kick myself in the head I blank out for long stretches of time.
Other non writing related stuff and accomplishments didn’t really happen for me this year. I failed at losing weight. I failed at a whole bunch of other stuff too. Stuff that I don’t particularly want to talk about. Well, I succeeded in one thing, but the outcome wasn’t what I would have wanted. Oh and for most of the time that I have been off work. Actually, all the time since I finished work on Dec 18th until yesterday I have been snowed in. So even when I was forced to not go any where, I still didn’t manage to pull my finger out and get any writing done.
Well, I seem to have mastered personal failure, so let’s see if I can turn that in to some success next year.
The Present
I’m sat here at my desk writing this while I listen to music through my headphones. The music that I am listening to isn’t important to this story. Just imagine something unimaginative and you will be pretty close to my playlist. The fact that it took me two songs to write this short paragraph should also be ignored.
The Future
And with 2 hours and 7 minutes left to go, what do I want from 2010. Well, it is a simple list really.
Really simple.
1) I need to lose weight. I have to. I have a goal in mind and if this doesn’t make me lose weight nothing will. If the weight stays I am well and truly fucked. I have enough problems that I can’t control and if I can’t beat this one that’s of my own making then, well who knows? This includes exercising more. And when I say more, I mean exercise. I bought a damn bike. It’s just sitting there. In 2010 it will be used.
2) Write more. I want to finish my online story. I have set myself a mini goal of end of March. Because of goal three. There are also a few things that I also want to try writing wise. I have how to books. It may well be time to read them.
3) For Script Frenzy (April 2010) I will convert the online story into a screenplay. If the story is not done I will not participate. For the past 2 years I have participated and written crap. I know that I can write 100 pages of crap. There is no challenge in that any more. I need to be able to successfully create a screenplay that has a beginning, a middle and an end. Even if it is one that I already now the outcome and it is just a case of putting the story to screenplay format. Then in 2011, I can think about doing one from scratch with a detailed plot.
4) Mystery goal. If you wish to know about this one, you’ll have to buy me dinner first.
5) Get to Liverpool more to see my friends. Until they get sick of me that is.
6) Plan a proper novel for NaNoWriMo 2010. Oooh. Actual Plots and knowing the beginning and ending before I start. And cliffhangers, too! How will I cope?
7) Meet more people. This will be really difficult for me. Anyone who knows me in real life knows how really shy I am around people I don’t know or don’t know that well.
8) Be a better person. I don’t exactly know what this entails, but I know I’m not good enough the way I am.
9) Be more confident. (I’ll have to wipe the dust off of that CD)
10) Start smoking and then quit smoking. If I only manage 50% of this then at least I won’t have to worry about a pension any more.
Okay, I only added the last one to get the list up to 10 things, but that isn’t really the point. The fact is I never wrote these goals down before. Mainly, because I just made them up on the spot (well, computer actually). There are one or two other things that I am thinking about, but I shall not write them down as they have never come true so far and I’m sure that this year they will be no exception.
I may well redefine my goals as the year progresses or even just delete this blog post if I’m failing dismally at one or any of them.
Good riddance old me.
The new and improved me begins shortly.
Check back for updates.
Delayed but Delightful – Chapter 10 That Joke Isnt Funny Any More
Yes children, it is back. That's right, now that the delight of NaNoWriMo 2009 is now over. I can return to "The Other Woman" with my tail (and perhaps maybe more, but definitely, definitely less) between my legs.
The Other Woman that I of course speak of, is That Joke Isn't Funny Any More. Like Tiger Woods, I regret the hurt that this has caused my family, but not really because to be offended they would actually have to read it...
Now, I know what you are thinking: "But Matt, even though I love you and would in all honesty wait for you forever in the believe that one day you will realise that I am the one for you, I'm very distrubed that you lied to me and that chapter 10 wasn't delivered on time as promised."
All I can saty to that baby is I'm sorry. I was having such fun in completing my NaNoWriMo novel that I forgot to post it online. I can only hope that chapter 10 makes up for this. If it doesn't then perhaps you can lower your standards. Though if you are reading this, there isn't much lower that you can sink (except may be to comment.)
If you missed any of the earlier chapters you can check in at the story index.
Matt Fishwick: Unofficial Weiner (NaNoWriMo 2009)
That's write folks (geddit?), at 11.45pm on Day 21 of NaNoWriMo in the year of Chris Baty 2009 I crossed the finish line with 50,000 words.
The 50K word was "Here".
The 50K sentence was: Have to look elsewhere.
I'm really pleased that I crossed the line today as today I have written more in one day than ever before with 7055 words. I wrote my last word of the day at 11.59pm and got a palindrome total of 50,405.
For the remaining days I have set myself a new target of 65,432.
Good luck every one and keep going!
Remember, if I can win without letting my personal hygene slip that much then so can you! I know the only reason most of you are still writing is because you are sticklers for showers and such.
Feast your eyes on my majestic green bar!
Matt.
Day Late And A Dollar Short – Chapter 9 That Joke Isnt Funny Any More
Hello my onions, I mean my minions, and welcome.
Welcome to a completely on schedule posting for Chapter 9, the latest chapter in the permanent mechanical fasterner, I mean riveting (damn this auto thesaurus) online story, That Joke Isn't Funny Any More.
Now, I know what you are thinking: "But Matt, even though I love you and would in all honesty believe that one day you will be the mother of my child, I know that if I am to sustain interest in this story, the publication schedule will have to be more ontimely for the next edition."
I feel less bad now that you have used the word ontimely in your critique of me. You should have used the word untimely according to the auto corrector of my spell checker, as in "untimely death" though I have a feeling that you think my death will never be untimely.
So I do hold my hands up and I can say, as the blood rushes from my extremities, that honestly baby I have been busy with NaNoWriMo and it won't happen again. Okay, in all honesty it will happen again if you want another chapter in Movember (it is like November, but the dates will have to move. According to Wikipedia it is also a Cow's favourite month) but once December rolls around I can get back to disappointing you both on time and under budget.
So go read and be merry and I will put a tentative date of chapter 10 being published on Sunday November 29th, and while you are pressing me for more information, the year will be 2009.
Don't forget to stay tuned for an upcoming blog post (probably this very Monday) reviewing the first half of my NaNoWriMo 2009 experience.
If you missed any of the earlier chapters you can check in at the story index.
NaNoWriMo 2009 Is Go!
And we are off...
... Time: 12.01am...
Words written... 0.
I'm here at the Everyman in Liverpool with a great bunch of people.
Time to Knuckle down and write.
... Just wish I had a plot.
Chapter 8 of That Joke Isnt Funny Any More Now Published!
Yes, it is here, the moment you haven't been waiting any time at all for, unless you count the days since the lat chapter was released, in which case it is a few more than any time but not that many because the clocks have gone back an hour and now we are in GMT, unless you are a timezone that doesn't have daylight savings, but for this particular blog post, it isn't any of my concern.
What does concern me, and should concern you is that now chapter 8 of the online story "That Joke Isn't Funny Any More" is now available for your visual edification.
Now, I know what you are thinking: "But Matt, even though I love you and would in all honesty believe that we are meant to be together, I know that if I am any more edified then I'll realise that being edified doesn't just mean be accosted by a guy named Ed."
Well, you shouldn't go around learnin' new words and new definitions with fancy book learnun, because that would mean that we'd grow apart and I'd have to seriously consider chaining you to the radiator. In fact, that's where I'm going now. To get my chains.
So start reading, or start runnin'. 
If you missed any of the earlier chapters you can check in at the story index.
Marcel Marceau And The Charity Car Wash
In the past few weeks the people in the office where I work has decided to raise money for the Cystic Fibrosis Charity here in the UK. In addition to the the Bake-Off that happens each week on a Friday (see earlier blog post), Now we have the addition of a Charity Car Wash to drum up extra cash.
Now, I know what you are thinking: "But Matt, even though I love you and would without question cut out your lungs and leave you in a seedy motel in a bathtub full of ice, not only because I think you'd look cute turned blue (like a less talented and much more bloated Blue Man group with only one member) and to help those less fortunate, the fact of the matter is that a charity car wash is no good to me, as I don't own a car on top of that I can't drive."
Firstly that's a terrible thing to say. I need my lungs, how else am I supposed to get my nicotene fix? And before you say anything, I have tried taping cigarettes to my arms. But when I try and light them I just end up with third degree burns and melted skin. (I could have studied and realised that by using less lighters I could have got first degree burns, but that is another story for another time.) I should point out at this juncture that when combined with toast, melted skin is not a low calorie subsitute to cheese on toast.
Secondly, it's rather selfish of you not to drive and have a car isn't it? Sure the earth might be a little less poluted by you not driving, but you would be denying a charity a donation of £3.50 that they could put to better use than you travelling on a bus.
Ah, but honestly dearest, I have a solution to your dilemma.
You don't need a car to take part in this latest round of fundraising thanks to my latest ingenious idea. You see the charity car wash takes place on a Friday and due to a scheduling conflict both I, and my car, couldn't be there. Now, I really wanted to be there, but the car said that it was going elsewhere, with or without me. And due a clause in my insurance, apparently the car is not covered if no one is driving. As, according to the small print, the car is not classed as a sentient being. So now you understand why it was obvious that I couldn't be there.
So rather than just give money, and have those volunteers standing around chatting and possibly enjoying their lunch break, I wanted something in return, because you all know that I enjoy causing other people misery. So here is what I suggested:
One of the merry band of car wash professionals, must do their best Marcel Marceau impression and mime actually washing my car. Now I should remind you that my car is a 3-door VW Golf and perhaps the most important thing for this mime exercise is that the car is blue. I mention the dimensions of the car because I don’t want you miming an estate car, that isn’t what I paid for.
If you know anything about me, dear reader, then you know that I like my mime artistes like I like my humour. Subtle. That’s why I allowed the volunteers to wash the car whilst they battled any number of mimed hazzards from walking against a hurricane or while being trapped in box.
It should also be pointed out that those of you reading this who do not have a car can project whatever vehicle you aspire to own when investing £3.50 for a mimed car wash. Those of you with a car who are thinking of a trade-in but are unsure of exavctly what car to get next, could use the mimed car wash to theorise how long it would take you to wash you new car. You could pay for a few washes and then note the pros and cons of each potential new vehicle, especially when trying to clean it whilst trapped in a box.
But there is more to this miming that just pretending to wash a car! I wanted someone to capture this amazing event, just so that I could be sure that it had been done. I was assured that it was to be captured and presented to me.
It seems that I should have been more concrete in my requirements (i.e. I shouldn't have mimed them, and just told the volunteers what I had wanted or at least written them down and attached them to a pigeon who had 'The Knowledge' of how to get back to the office) for the whole miming thing was taken a little too seriously.
For you see, the official photographer, feeling left out of the the whole process, decided to mime taking photos of the event. This means that we have been in a little bit of a (mimed) pickle, for you see that this means that we have no proof that it actually happened.
I'm sure that if we had some photographic evidence, and not some mimed actions or even mimed drawings (do you like my mimed drawings, I imagined the pencil all by myself) reading this would have been much more fun and less anti-climactic.
Ah well, you can't have everything.
So that was this week's adventure in charity fundraising. Join us next week where we do something elaborate with bunny ears and a Geman Shephard (not the dog).
If you enjoyed this post, please consider making a donation to the CF Trust.
Chapter 7: That Joke Isn’t Funny Any More
Hellooo there kiddy winks! Its that time again. And just what time is it? Well, I know what you are thinking:
"But Matt, even though I love you, and would without question put you within a hermetically sealed box so that you would last forever and never die, I am perfectly aware at what time it is. Don't you ever condescend to tell me what the big hand and little hand are doing, especially since your probably not wearing any pants."
Alright, I was wrong, but even though you may know the time in your locale, what you may not be aware of (unless you read the title of this blog post) is that Chapter 7 is now available for perusal and download.
If you missed any of the earlier chapters you can check in at the story index.
And yes, I am indeed wearing pants. Though the name in the back of them would suggest that they are not mine. But that is another story for another time.
