Earlier in the year (February), I happened across a Writing Opportunity on the BBC Writer's Room website. It was for a Radio Sketch Series entitled Newsjack, a satirical look at topical events in the UK and around the globe.

In the past I had only attempted sketches sporadically, and had never actually got as far as an ending I liked. By the time I saw the announcement on the site, there was four weeks left in the current series. I gave it a go. Half-heartedly, admittedly. I think that I attempted about three sketches over the remainder of the series. But, as usual with my writing, one of three things happened: I never finished it, it went way over the recommended length, or it just didn't have any funny lines in it. On at least two occassions, a combination of all three. The third did have some funny stuff in, but I probably just subconsciously stole that from Keith Chegwin. So the tale ends with me not submitting anything that series.

Flash forward a couple of months (though not in the US TV Series style, because I haven't been cancelled yet, despite the desires of several people and my constant low ratings) and I found myself at the Manchester Comedy Store for the Improv course, having just finished Script Frenzy (something else script related that never gets finished - Sorry, "That Joke Isn't Funny Anymore", you're time may come yet, honest!) and I was surrounded by people who liked comedy like I did, but weren't as crap at improv as I turned out to be.

While waiting for the class to begin one day, a few of us started talking with the Comedy Sportz UK head honcho about sketch comedy, Saturday Night Live, Second City, and a few other shows. This discussion was sparked because like the sketch comedy poser that I am, I was reading "The Second City Unscripted: Revolution and Revelation at the World-Famous Comedy Theater". What can I say, I like attention, and I gained a few friends out of it, so it paid off in the end. Anyway, the Head Honcho informed us that she was thinking of doing a sketch writing course. I immediately signed up, thinking that this could be the kick in the pants I needed to see my writing things through.

At the same time, I saw on the BBC Writer's Room that Series 3 of Newsjack would begin broadcasting on Thursday 17th June 2010 for six weeks, until 22nd July 2010. I resolved that this would be the series of Newsjack that I would actually submit something to the show. It would also give me an opportunity to get a little better and not embarrass myself in front of people I would actually meet and get feedback from.

For the first show, I managed to write a sketch and a few one lines and a couple of corrections (see the Newsjack page for an explanation of what they are). They didn't get picked for the show.

For the second show, I managed to write two sketches, and a few one lines. They didn't get picked for the show.

For the third show, I managed to write two sketches, a few one lines and some corrections. They didn't get picked for the show.

For the fourth show, I managed to write three sketches, a few one lines and some corrections. They didn't get picked for the show.

For the fifth show, I struggled to write a sketch (but I did it), a few one lines and some corrections. They didn't get picked for the show.

For the sixth and final show (this past week), I resolved to go all out and really give it my best. If this part of my life were to be made into a movie, this is where the "training" montage would kick in.

I wrote 2, in my own opinion, great sketches, 10 one liners and a couple of corrections.

I emailed them in and nervously waited for the deadline.

And waited.

And...

They didn't get on.

"Boo! Hiss! He's behind you!" I hear you cry.

Okay, so while I haven't become a professional writer in this past six weeks, I have learned a few valuable lessons:

Firstly, I have learned to finish a sketch. Yay! A big acheivement for me.

Secondly, I have submitted material to someone. And not just someone, to the BBC! At least I'll be able to tell someone's kids about it one day, even if they do say "What's the BBC? And why aren't you wearing any pants?"

Thirdly, I have developed a thicker skin with regards to rejection. I got rejected six weeks in a row. Okay, so the rejection wasn't complete rejection, because I never actually heard back from the BBC. I could be a laughing stock within the BBC, but I won't know about it. As it says on the Newsjack site:

It is a showcase for new comedy writing so anyone can submit material. We accept sketches and short jokes every week of the six week run. The best submissions will make it into the 28 minute show. All submissions will be read but sadly, due to the overwhelming number of entries, we do not have time to give feedback to most people.

With that in mind, I can now say that I am now one of the many rather than one of the few. So, at least I have Spock in my corner, when it comes to this sort of thing.

Fourthly, despite being rejected, I feel that I am gaining momentum with my writing. I say momentum, because for this past six weeks I have been writing regularly. After submissions closed for the final show, and while I was waiting to hear back from the producers (I've always wanted to say that: "Oh, I'm just waiting for feedback from the producer"), I decided to start writing a short story that I will enter into a competition. After all, what's the worst they're going to do? That's right, say no and ridicule my penis.

On top of all that, I feel that I haven't let my brain turn to mush since the end of the improv course. This blog post alone is over 1000 words and I have that Sketch Writing Workshop starting on 31st July 2010.

Hopefully, I will be a sketch genius after this course.

So look out, BBC!

Look out, Newsjack!

I'm going to be writing for Series 4...

...And this time, it's personal!

That is all.

Goal Seven
Meet more people. This will be really difficult for me. Anyone who knows me in real life knows how really shy I am around people I don’t know or don’t know that well.

Goal Eight
Be a better person. I don’t exactly know what this entails, but I know I’m not good enough the way I am.

Goal Nine
Be more confident. (I’ll have to wipe the dust off of that CD)

So there were the three goals to try and make me a better person. And I think that I am a little bit thanks to the course that I went on. Up until now I never mentioned what exactly the course was, but it ended last week so I shall tell you that it was the very awesome Comedy Sportz Beginning Improv workshop.

Some of the people that know me, know I like comedy. Some of those people even know that I try and write comedy. And one of those people actually thinks that I'm funny.

Despite all the years of being interested in comedy and in the back of my mind wanting to perhaps persue it as a career of some sort, I never actually did something about it.

Until this year.

I'm 28 this year (pretty soon, *ahem* 13 days actually *ahem* for those of you wishing to buy me a card and present), and I wanted to have a go before it was too late and didn't want to look back on my life and think "if only I'd have tried" and so between scouring the Internet for porn and tea cosy knitting patterns (A man is allowed diverse hobbies, and if he can, then so can I) I found the ComedySportz UK website.

Pretty soon, the first day of the course rolled around and I was really nervous. Had I made a mistake? Would I find out that I wasn't funny after all these years of thinking I was? Are these rhetorical questions and little redundant and boring?

I rolled up to the Manchester Comedy Store (Okay, that isn't exactly true. I don't know how to rollerskate, I walked) and I learned the answers to the three questions that I (tastefully) posed in the previous paragraph.

No, Yes and Definately Yes.

While I was shy at the first class, but over the next few weeks I eventually loosened up a bit and by the end I didn't think that I did too badly. At least not bad for someone with no performing experience beyond Year 9 drama.

I met the fantastic people that organised, ran and taught the workshops: Bron Edge, Sean Mason, Chris Tavner, Jade Fearnley, and Rob Hudson. Big shout out (dig me being all street 'n' shit) to all of you. You guys rock. (Though the rolling has yet to be confirmed.)

I made friends with people and I think that I'm a little more outgoing than I was before I started. Though I can't confirm this, as I went all Howard Hughes and I haven't left my room for six days. I've also been peeing in jars, but that's just for fun.

The last session of the 8 week course was last Saturday, and at the end of our session I presented people with gifts. I won't ruin the surprise for people that accidentally bid for them on e-bay later.

I wasn't entirely convinced that I did brilliantly at it, but it's a start and I've signed up for another course later in the year, to try and improv(e). Get it?

Amazingly, they didn't think that I sucked that badly, and even wanted to get my opinion for the new promo video that they were putting together. And so after a dozen script rewrites and me having to do multiple takes, it was finally in "the can" as they say in "the biz". However, later I was told that having me crying and sitting on the toilet wasn't the best endorsement, so we ventured to the front of the Comedy Store for a little bit of that "off the cuff" magic that I will, one day in the distant future, become mildly tolerated for.

You can find the video on Youtube and on Facebook (search for ComedySportz UK).

Yes I am aware that I could have embedded the video in this post, but for technical reasons I chose not to learn how to do it.

Don't forget to watch the video for the best showstopper in the business, Ashley Miller.

PS. In the spirit of Comedy Sportz, this blog post was entirely improvised.

Well, all I can say is that I lost.

Bastards.

I always knew electoral reform was the way to go.

That's because I had a little bit of a block. I was worried that I might have to junk the entire thing, but I talked it over with a friend, my friend said that I should continue the story in screenplay format to see if that would help. So for Script Frenzy this year, that's exactly what I did.

Well, not exactly. For Script Frenzy you are allowed to adapt previously existing novels for your script. I took my online story, and instead of adapting what I had already written into screenplay (which would acheive nothing at this point, except an exercise in formatting, which I already know how to do) I continued from what would have been chapter 12.

It got my creative juices flowing a little, and I was able to move the story on a little. But the only problem with this, like all my screenplays, is that they tend to devolve into bickering between the characters and shift in tone to comedy, which is normally okay, but not dor this story. At least not intentionally.

So I have an idea of where I am going with this story, but it may require a little change and a rewrite of the already published chapters. But I don't think that will be a problem as not many people have actually read them, judging by the wordpress stats that are available to me.

So for the moment, I am letting the story marinate in my brain and will hopefully be publishing some more soon.

But don't hold your breath.

Or do, because you do turn a nice shade of purple.

Basically it is a plastic trophy with a little bit of kudos attached (if you are thinking money, imagine the change that you have in your pocket right now, being removed from your pocket, lest your pants also be part of the award, and superglued on to the trophy, and you would be no where near close). It's meaningless to the outside world, but to those within the company, it gives an indication as to how well liked that person is where they work.

In the run up to the actual presenting of the award, everyone in the company has the chance to nominate one individual who they think has done a great job that year to the Office Manager. After all the nominations have been received, the long list is then distributed and everyone in the company can then vote for one from the finalists. At the end of vting, a winner is crowned.

So why am I writing about this now? Well, it may be a shock to you, given how popular and likeable I am, but I wasn't nominated for this award last year. So this year, I decided to be more proactive in getting a nomination.

For Plan A, I decided to do the decent thing, and nominate myself with the following:

I will stand for Employee of the Month myself this year, as due to what can only described as a gigantic oversight, I lacked a nomination last year.

I should be nominated Employee of the Year as I’m a triple threat: I know the front door code, the alarm code and I know how to work the dishwasher. There is no one who is more beloved by me in this company than the person that I have nominated.

Apparently, this isn't the done thing and my nomination was not accepted by the Office Manager. I had an inkling that this plan would run into problems, so I decided to move to plan B. Plan B was a little more crafty, and didn't necessarily involve me being nominated. Its better if you just read the reasons that I sent:

Despite my canvassing I am unsure if I will be nominated for employee of the year, since it is apparently “not the done thing” to nominate oneself.

In that case it is time for plan B. To nominate someone else who will promise me a 1% cut if they win. And 1% is better than nothing at this point.

To that end, I would like to nominate Parisa, as her formidable marketing skills have me believing that she will honour this agreement.

Now surprisingly, this wasn't an acceptable reason, even though the Parisa reneged on the verbal contract shortly after the email was submitted.

So after my two quite brilliant schemes to get the prize money or at least a percentage of the prize money, I was all out of ideas until my campaign manager helped me draft a heatfelt plea:

I believe I should be employee of the year because of my unique problem solving skills, as demonstrated by my previous nomination (for myself).

Many people would like to be nominated for employee of the year but no one, until now, has had the initiative or been brave enough to nominate themselves. I believe that by offering myself for nomination I am providing evidence of the creative thinking that makes me such an asset to the team. It also shows I am proactive at finding solutions to problems and driven towards success.

While everybody else is taking the long and hard traditional route to this esteemed prize by working diligently I have shown that I do not simply follow the herd by composing this email instead. This approach is far more time economical than the traditional approach, showing that my fresh take on problem solving saves the company both time and money.

A vote for Matt Fishwick is a vote for the future!

Now all I had to do was wait. But that night I got hungry (and not just for results) so I decided to order a pizza. The pizza was good and once I had slaked my thirst for doughy goodness I was in possession of several uneaten slices.

In an act of pure altruism, well as altruistic as I am capable, I decided to leave the remaining slices for the denizens of the office. Now in order dissuade them from the existence of pizza faeries, I decided to let them know how had supplied this cold feast.

Thus my first campaign poster was born.

Click here to see the Poster in PDF format.

So if that quality bit of electioneering doesn't work, I don't know what will.

But we shall have to wait until May 4th before the shortlist is revealed, and then I can put that pizza on expenses.

I first joined Twitter on 13th March 2009, and on Friday 16th April 2010 I posted my 1,000th Tweet.

I joined Twitter to basically keep in contact with the good people from around the world who were doing Script Frenzy. I was skeptical about the usefulness of Twitter when I first joined, given that I was limited to 140 characters (though people have told me, giving me that much space is perhaps too much freedom) and didn't think that I would use it that much outside of the Frenzy or NaNoWriMo events, but a strange thing happened. And once I had finally gone through puberty, I found myself putting more of my thoughts on Twitter.

I found it convenient for random thoughts (and thoughts that I believed may amuse other people) that did not warrant, or were not fully developed enough for their own blog posts. Though again, some people have said that if that were really true, there would be no I Love Matt Fishwick.com, but that is another tweet for another time.

The Self Indulgent Begging

At this point in the blog post, it is time for a little bit of Choose Your Own Adventure. If reading this blog post has wet your whistle and you decide to dip a toe into the twittery water, then please consider the following:

If you decide to follow me on Twitter: Use this link and I will follow you back.

If you decide NOT to follow me on Twitter: Use this link and I will dedicate at least 12 seconds to reading your tweets before blocking you in disgust.

The Future

And what does the future hold for me on Twitter. Well, I have hit 1,000 tweets. That's far more tweets than I ever thought that I would post, and it seems like a good place to stop, at least for a little while so that when my page is viewed by those curious, it will have the nice and even number of 1,000 in the counter.

Beyond that, I have a few plans of what I will be doing with the service. I'll have to do something worthy now that the entire public timeline tweets will go in the Library of Congress in the US. And it just goes to validate the old addage that you needn't bother backing your data up, because eventually the Library Of Congress will do it for you and make the entire results searchable.

And of course, currently my tweets are in the public timeline, but that could all change. Who is to know?

My Favourite Tweets

It doesn't sound very interesting, and clearly it isn't, but earlier in the year I talked about how I wanted to blog more. I reasoned that the actual blog entries don't have to contain entirely original content. So this blog post will be in a similar vein to all those TV "Top 100" Countdown shows that you see littering up the schedules. I thought that while this seemed good enough for free to air TV, it was also good enough for a free to internet Blog.

Unlike TV shows, I won't actually being doing any Talking Heads (mainly because I don't know the lyrics and can't play any instruments) about why I have chosen a particular tweet. I also won't be limiting myself to a set number, I'll just be listing the ones in retrospect that I find funny and/or interesting. There also won't be any setting the tweet in context. Most of my postings do not need other references.

Each Tweet will be given a number. That isn't a score, but rather the reverse order in which is was posted. For example in this set my very first tweet is numbered 1000 and my 1000th tweet is numbered 1. (Because when I copied them, the numbers were automatically added and I am too lazy to remove/renumber them).

So now without further ado, here comes the copy and paste:

1. Yay, my tweets will be saved for posterior. Oh arse, I think I got that wrong. #Profound #1000th Tweet. #LibraryOfCongress.

2. My entire life has been a mistake. At least that was it said in the birthday card from my parents.

5. Hey wall, if you could use one word to describe me, what would it be? http://twitpic.com/1g1rv2

8. I'm a triple threat. I can disappoint you mentally, emotionally and physically. #triplethreat

13. Co-worker appeared in office @ 7pm. I was surprised to see her. Normally, if I want to see her this late I have to look through her window.

16. I can tell I'm in tip top shape, as my tits only jiggle for a mere 15 seconds after I have finished cleaning my teeth.

31. Is it wrong that all items listed under Health & Fitness remain unread in my Feed Reader?

41. RIP Malcolm McLaren, without your controversy courting, the Country Life butter ads just wouldn't be the same.

61. I sent an email out inviting people to join my super group, but due to a typo we just ended up having a bite to eat.

68. I was dancing at a party once and everyone around me was shouting "Go Matt, Go Matt!" Turns out, they just wanted me to leave.

69. I was giving a house tour once and pointed at the vacuum cleaner saying exactly the same thing. RT @Surefiredaisy: Well, this sucks.

80. I can't hang around here all day, I have fetal positions to get into and tears to cry.

84. This morning I watched The Biggest Loser in High Definition. My new mirror is quite powerful.

85. Apparently, shouting "Burn In Hell" at someone in the office after they sneeze, is not appropriate.

89. #omgfact I've only ever been to one concert in my life. And before you ask, yes, Celine Dion was awesome.

104. Somewhere out there, he knew there was a girl with his name crudely etched on her forehead. He resolved to put a lock on that door. #vss

107. Did some gardening & dug up a bunch of animation cells. I think we can safely close the file on Carmen Sandiego.

117. My glutes are tweaking. I think they have a meth problem.

120. His love of the undead caused an abrupt end to his summer work experience at the morticians.

121. I WANT TO BE A PAGE 3 GIRL! I've filled out the application, practiced my natural poses and now I'm off to Tesco's to use the photo booth.

129. What do I want in bed? That's easy. You can never go wrong with a Cornish Pasty and a nice pillow. #cosmopolitan

131. Despite all evidence to the contrary, I am not, it appears, a Dapper Dan man.

138. Caution John de Lancie After Next Junction #startrek themed #motorway #signs

139. Entered an online comp but misspelled my name as matthjew. I think I've blown my chances of getting tickets to Hamas:The Backstage Tour!

146. By signing up for an iPad you are giving Steve Jobs first dibs on your organs should he need another transplant.

158. Catching up on Reading. According to Google Earth it is right where I left it.

159. They sat staring, surprised that the old man had so many touching stories. They decided he'd never be allowed to work as Santa again. #vss

161. Today I Learned I'm resistable. Fun until I found resistable/irresistable isnt interchangeable like flammable/inflammable. I also learned I'm flammable

166. In June 2009, Virgin Atlantic celebrated 25 years of not offering me a complimentary Business Class upgrade. #omgfacts

168. My next screenplay has a title: "The Men Who Stare At Coats" - The plot, like the source material, is very thin. #nichefilms #scriptfrenzy

170. That fog on the drive home was scary. Its a good thing that I kept my eyes shut for most of the time.

171. I have broken the button on my pants. I knew I shouldn't have eaten today.

172. I just cleaned my glasses. It now appears that all the dirt was actually in my mind.

186. I think I have invented a drink that no one has ever thought of before - Vodka and Irn Bru. I call it Irn Bra.

196. Ryanair plane from Liverpool hit by fire scare returns 2 the airport, but only because the passengers wouldn't pay £10 for fire extinguisher

200. 2010 Day 2: I have resorted to Pussycat Dolls DVD Workout. Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

201. It is the first day of 2010 and now I am noticing that my mirror has put on a little holiday weight.

215. Adam came before Eve. Eve was bitterly disappointed. #vss

217. When you are drunk... I laugh and you forget. When I am drunk... Trees!

219. It's New Year's Eve Eve, also known as New Year's Eve Adam.

220. Getting ready to go out, by putting on my skin tight jeans. Sadly before Christmas, they weren't skin tight.

225. My trip was cancelled when I decided to fasten my shoelaces.

233. Just ran over a group of girls in my car. Surprisingly, they did not fall like dominos.

235. What will I remember most about this Christmas? The Pope is not a Weeble.

237. According to the TV, my fantasy girlfriend is just a 25p text away. Despite having this TV for 8 years it still doesn't know me that well.

240. Rapping presents. At this stage it's obvious the parfum doesn't have my mad freestyling skillz. This is one rap battle I totally can win.

241. I hate everything I stand for, which is mainly why I sit down now.

247. Singing "Touch-A, Touch-A, Touch Me" to the mirror. So far it is refusing. Maybe it needs more to drink.

248. Tim Curry singing "I Can Make You A Man". I don't think he's singing to me.

253. Lost £1.00 on the train. I had it to win, place or show. It didn't.

256. Apparently, exposing one's inner self does not mean dropping your pants at the railway station. I wish someone had told me sooner.

269. #omgfact by signing up for an iPod or iPhone you are giving Steve Jobs first dibs on your organs should he need another transplant.

272. No. 1 item on Christmas List: Terry Gilliam Chocolates. They are beset with production problems but the end results are quite magical.

273. It is hard to fall gracefully when you are naked.

274. If you can keep your head while those around you are losing theirs, you may be an Executioner in France.

276. Someone once said I had a youthful glow. Well, I did used to summer at Sellafield.

281. In winter, do menthol iTunes help you hear more easily?

338. I want to die doing what I love... Having heart attacks.

376. Just had a great ego boost. A member of my compulsive liars group swears I'm exactly like Jesus. 5.5yrs to go then.

397. In #nanowrimo forum posts I am officially no longer using the word "count" as I keep inadvertantly missing out a key letter. #changedmeaning

430. Sometimes things happen for a reason and other times things happen for a raisin

431. "I'm looking for a real man," she said. He looked at his shoes. Just then the buzzer sounded and Pinocchio moved to the next table. #vss

432. Either kogakr-njtg isn't a word or my predictive text is apole.

435. #nottosayonfirstdate Do you want to guess how many rocks it would take to weigh you down? No? It'll be a surprise then.

450. RT @rosiebunny: I left @mattfishwick used and dirty... in the sink

452. I had a bit of a drunk and now I am slightly drink.

488. Maybe if I eat a little more I can declare myself both an island and a tax free haven.

496. Coffee and laptops don't mix unless you have a really powerful blender

497. Jesus Saves! With these handy coupons from Thrifty Mart.

541. Rejected Star Trek DS9 characters, vol. 1 - Kai Wayne Rooney

565. "That's you" appears on my Twitter Profile page. Handy because it allows me to verify that the underwear I have on is, in fact, not my own.

572.If you put sexual mores over a naked flame, eventually you'll get a sexual s'more.

574. I brought my boyfriend home. #mymomsaid " #HesNotThatIntoYou. " I was disappointed, but at least I caught the bouquet at their wedding. #vss

575. Parallel Parkin - 2 pieces of cake that will never meet.

609. Marcel Marceau And The Charity Car Wash Blog Post: http://bit.ly/4dokNy for the UK Charity Cystic Fibrosis Trust. Why Not Donate?

611. Old MacDonald learned his vowels: A E I O U

615. #mylasttweetonearth Despite its name, Davidoff's Cool Water is not a thirst quencher.

624. #igottacrushon people who can spell properly.

633. zzzz# '3w!4 p3q

637. #SmithsLyrics4DryCleaners “In the darkened underpants I thought ‘Oh God my chance has come at last.’” #Smiths #lyrics #DryCleaners

659. #smithslyrics4TheOverweight "To diet by your side, is such a heavenly way to diet" #lyrics #smiths #overweight

663. #smithslyrics4AquaticCreatures "Because I want to see people And I want to sealife" #lyrics #smiths #aquatic

676. A #poem before bed: Goodnight Moon, Goodnight stars, Goodnight women, in their bras.

683. As I said to my grandma on her deathbed, "This would be a lot easier if you didn't struggle." #TCTC

689. I sat in the doctor's office with my wife. "Leslie has severe memory loss," he said. "Who's Leslie?" I asked. #TCTC

690. Jo stared at Leslie's killer until her eyes were drawn to a smudge on the mirror. #TCTC

694. "The shoe is on the other foot now," she laughed, before turning and hobbling away. #TCTC

706. Jimmy was sad that he missed Grandpa's final moments, but was pleased to hear that he put up a good fight against the taxidermist.

713. Matt typed "Matt is" into Google and was surprised by the results. He swore he wasn't gay but his boyfriend had doubts. #TCTC

721. FYI "pimp" is not an option on my phone's predictive text. 1:07 AM Oct 3rd, 2009 via web

723. Want a designer baby but can’t afford it? Take a regular baby and apply a trendy iron-on decal. Tres Chic! The baby’ll be crease free too.

725. @CyranDorman - Or at least write a Choose Your Own Porn Adventure. Turn to page 5 if you decide to call a plumber. Page 6 for the pizza boy.

729. #haveuever tweeted something just to appear on a search results list?

736. If your tears taste like lollipops, is that the first sign of diabetes?

741. #LemonSponge Really Cleans Up. New blog post @ http://ilovemattfishwick.com or http://bit.ly/gIpWQ in aid of Cystic Fibrosis Trust. Donate!

755. Want to have a soup can wrapper designed by me? Visit @ http://ilovemattfishwick.com for #instructions & free download. #blog #fun #fiction.

758. At work the lightbulb over my desk has popped. Unfortunately this means I can’t have any new ideas until it is replaced.

761. Watched the Retweet channel last night, sorry I mean Dave 4:21 PM Sep 13th, 2009 via web

768. 53 get ups until #nanowrimo. in exercise terms that's 53 situps! 6:57 PM Sep 8th, 2009 via web

770. With great powder comes a reduced chance of chafing. 6:53 PM Sep 8th, 2009 via web

771. With great power comes a great big electricity bill.

781. #rememberwhen I was #pertinent?

785. Big day today! Got a Hare Krishna leaflet and a @jensenwilder business card. I'm unsure as to whether @jensenwilder is my God now...

799. One of my #teeth is chipped. Next time it should really be boiled, because it is healthier.

820. Either the lines between fact and fiction really have blurred, or my glasses need cleaning...

863. The computer is a tool. But then it probably doesn't think much of me either.

864. #newbandname #pilates for #pirates.

887. #Celebrating the 2nd #anniversary of my 25th #birthday

888. People call me a one man band, mainly because I have #cymbals strapped to my knees.

897. #spoiler #alert Tomorrow is #Monday.

928. #Idea for a #lowerback #tattoo (really small letters): If you can read this, you’d better buy me #breakfast. (and it must include hashtag)

936. The #Kindle will never replace the book. When you're caught short in the woods the #kindle is only good for two wipes. Maximum.

943. I knew #MichaelJackson would find a way out of those London gigs

949. wearing a sticker that says "Pink Lady" but only because I couldn't find an apple marked "T-Bird"

972. -- --- .-. ... . / -.-. --- -.. .

983. Results just in! I'm not pregnant, though peeing on that stick was fun.

986. 101 pages = #scriptfrenzy weiner, I mean winner!

992. #scriptfrenzy. I've just figured out how to see people replying to me. Sorry for the non responses. I love being a luddite

1000. is disappointing you.

Until next time,

Matt.

Unlike last year's 1st Anniversary Post where I simply showed "Best Of" clips of the posts from that previous year, this year I thought that I would take a look back at my goals and aspirations that I set for myself and update you on them, as we approach the anniversary, 2010 is one quarter over with. So away we go:

Goal One
I need to lose weight. I have to. I have a goal in mind and if this doesn’t make me lose weight nothing will. If the weight stays I am well and truly fucked. I have enough problems that I can’t control and if I can’t beat this one that’s of my own making then, well who knows? This includes exercising more. And when I say more, I mean exercise. I bought a damn bike. It’s just sitting there. In 2010 it will be used.

Yep, well, ahem. I was doing really well, (I had lost half a stone / 7lb / 3kg, exercising and eating right) but then it all went tits up when I hurt my knee. Then my knee got better, or so I thought and I started exercising again, but then I hurt it again, so I have gained all the weight that I had previously lost and I'm back to where I started again. But I'm just in the middle a course of anti-inflamatory medication and hopefully in another two weeks I will be back to where I was before and will be able to start again. I don't know whether to publish what I weigh on here, my fingers keep moving across the keyboard but they aren't going anywhere near the number pad, so I guess you'll miss out on finding out. Unless of course you decide to look elsewhere on the web where I have written about my struggles.

Goal Two
Write more. I want to finish my online story. I have set myself a mini goal of end of March. Because of goal three. There are also a few things that I also want to try writing wise. I have how to books. It may well be time to read them.

Well, since I wrote this goal I have written Chapter 11 of my online story and that is it. Having the break from it and doing a different story for NaNoWriMo, was a bad idea for this story. I just couldn't seem to get back in the flow in December and January. February was a real struggle but I got it done, and March I just lost motivation. I found myself thinking more and more about the first novel I ever wrote. It isn't to say that I shouldn't have done NaNoWriMo, as I learned some valuable lessons from it and was, shock horror, able to complete a, albeit shoddy, first draft. I think I am just one of those people that needs a kick in the pants to actually focus and knuckle down and write.

Goal Three
For Script Frenzy (April 2010) I will convert the online story into a screenplay. If the story is not done I will not participate. For the past 2 years I have participated and written crap. I know that I can write 100 pages of crap. There is no challenge in that any more. I need to be able to successfully create a screenplay that has a beginning, a middle and an end. Even if it is one that I already now the outcome and it is just a case of putting the story to screenplay format. Then in 2011, I can think about doing one from scratch with a detailed plot.

Well, as you know from reading chapter 11, the story has not finished. And I did agonise of this (and I hear you say, "Why? It's crap") but after talking it through with a friend I decided that because I was struggling so much with the story in prose, that I could continue the story in screenplay format from the start of what would have been chapter 12 and then if I get to the end of the story before the end of April, I can come back and adapt the first 11 chapters into the screenplay. So on Thursday I will start the screenplay at the Script Frenzy 2010 Write-in, to be held at the Egg, Liverpool. If you're there say hello.

Goal Four
Mystery goal. If you wish to know about this one, you’ll have to buy me dinner first.

This is progressing nicely, well I hope. I have made further steps forward and I am currently awaiting responses. So that I can initiate the final phase.

Goal Five
Get to Liverpool more to see my friends. Until they get sick of me that is.

Well, I went to a meeting in January (13th I believe it was) at The Egg and I will be going to the write-in on Thursday (which I have taken the day off for). I hope to get to Liverpool a few more times in April and then at the end of April (30th) I shall be attending the Rathole Radio Live Gig in Liverpool, hosted by Dan (who I met through Script Frenzy in 2009). I think several of the NaNoWrimo/Script Frenzy group are going so it should be fun. If you are going and see me there, say hi. I won't bite, but I may puke on your shoes depending upon how much I have had to drink.

Goal Six
Plan a proper novel for NaNoWriMo 2010. Oooh. Actual Plots and knowing the beginning and ending before I start. And cliffhangers, too! How will I cope?

Well, if all goes to plan in April, I will know how "That Joke Isn't Funny Any More" ends and I will be using May/June to write chapter 12 through to the end. Once July arrives I will then start to plan my NaNoWriMo 2010 entry.

Goal Seven
Meet more people. This will be really difficult for me. Anyone who knows me in real life knows how really shy I am around people I don’t know or don’t know that well.

I am still shy but I'm trying. I'm going to a gig, something which I never would have dreamed of several years ago. And I've signed up for a course starting May 1st that should hopefully make me more outgoing and not frightened of people. We'll see what happens.

Goal Eight
Be a better person. I don’t exactly know what this entails, but I know I’m not good enough the way I am.

I have signed up for a course, really I have. You may think that I was drunk when I wrote Goal Eight, but I wasn't.

Goal Nine
Be more confident. (I’ll have to wipe the dust off of that CD)

I have signed up for a course, I am going to a gig (at which I will try not to puke on anyone's shoes) and I have listened to that CD.

Goal Ten
Start smoking and then quit smoking. If I only manage 50% of this then at least I won’t have to worry about a pension any more.

Two packs a day, bitches! Well, not really. So I should start putting money in my pension.

Goal Eleven *new*
Start writing more blog posts, because I know you're all dying to hear about my life (if my total blog hits of 1695 [since Aug 2009] are any indication). Even if it isn't fiction writing that I am doing, blogging more will at least mean that I'm writing and not out and about being a threat to society.

We will see how Goal Eleven develops, most probably it will be like a blurred photograph with quality control sticker right in the centre.

Thus concludes the Second Anniversary Craptacular. Who knows what hilarity will happen here before the Third Anniversary (other than me having to renew my domain).

Check back soon for more updates or to see that I have failed in my own promises.

After a number of months since my last post about improving myself (See Dec 31, 2009) I have been trying to improve myself. For the the good of myself and the others around me I stopped writing while I tried to lose weight. When that didn't work (the weight loss, not the ability to stop writing, though I did have the adverse affect that I had trouble starting to write again) I started to write again.

It didn't go well, so I threw that away. And I started again (by which I started Chapter 11 again and not the whole thing, much to other's shagrin). And now you can read the fruits of my labour here, conveniently titled Chapter 11. So go forth and and read and comment (you know you want to!)

Don't forget, that if you missed any of the earlier chapters in the story (and chances are that you have) you can find them here at the "That Joke Isnt Funny Any More" index page or by the fiction link at the top of the blog.

Have a good weekend,

Matt.

Because I am not trusted with sharp or even blunt objects, it was my job to stand there and make sure the art (or rat as I just typed there quickly and then backspaced so that you would never know that I ahve a tendency to mistpye things when I type at nomal speed) was lined up correctly and did not end up askew once the nails had been plunged into the walls.

Now I know what you are thinking:

"But Matt, don't you have one leg shorter than the other?"

I did try explaining that to the powers that be, but there was a lack of understanding on their part. Well, it must have been their part as I understood everything that I mumbled under my breath.

So, it became time to apply the nails to the wall. As I said, I have been barred from handling any sort of DIY thingy (or tools as I'm told they are called when I harass the greeter in B&Q) which left the others to get the nails into the wall, with me standing there leaning to one side. As we are a simple, yet luxurious office nestled in the middle of a rural area, it was most apparent we did not have a hammer (or even a bale of hay). This would cause us problems when we tried to hammer in the evening.

"Matt, what can we use instead of a hammer?" I was asked.

"How about the heel of a shoe?" I replied, not thinking that they would actually take me seriously.

They did.

I only wish the person who had been using the shoe had also worn socks. But it was a change for me, when I'm around most women only remove their footwear to hit me with it. Don't get me wrong, I was still pummelled by the shoe, but at least I got to broaden my horizons by seeing what other uses footwear can have.

And so, in the late evening, framed art was put applied to the walls in an IT company by hammering it in place with the heel of a shoe. And just what did you do last night that was so great?