I Love Matt Fishwick! Fiction and fun with Matt Fishwick

27Mar/150

BBC Radio 4 Extra’s Newsjack – Series 12 Episode 5 – A Writing Credit

Well, it has been a long time.

Not just in the fact that I haven't posted here on the site in a while (it's a long story, that I will get to eventually, Kif) but a long time in regards to getting a credit on Newsjack. Well, rejoice, because overnight I got some good news!

I got a credit on Series 12 episode 5 of Newsjack. I've been constantly submitting since my last credit on S10E3 without much success. Starting with this series (12th) I have just been submitting one liners (with the exception of last week, episode 4, when I did not submit anything at all due to lack of Internet.)

My 7th credit overall. It's a bright spot in a bleak few weeks.

You can listen to the episode for the next 30 days at the BBC web page or download the podcast for the next 7 days.

In the event that you can't be bothered listening to the podcast, my joke is as follows:

Results are in for the Solar Eclipse. If you want to be able to see again, look away now.

Catch you next time,

Matt.

24Sep/140

Newsjack Series 11 Returns This Week

That's right, people.

It's back.

Newsjack is back for an 11th series, premiering tomorrow night (Thursday, September 25th 2014) at 11pm.

Here is my record from my previous series submissions:

Newsjack Record Series 3 - 10

While it's too late for you to submit to the first episode, there are still 5 further shows this series. So get looking at the news and get writing. Find all the details of how to submit and what they're looking for, click here.

Here's to series 11!

16Apr/142

Newsjack Series 10 Review!

It's the 500th post here on I Love Matt Fishwick dot com! Over 21,000 hits. A massive weight gain and a Grammy nomination. (My grammy says I'm the best, and I'm in her will.) To celebrate these milestones, let's talk Newsjack. To not celebrate it and be a party pooper, go to http://www.ihatemattfishwick.com.

Newsjack ended last Thursday after a 6 week run. And the 6th week of the show marked my 48th submission to it since the start of series 3 back in June 2010. When the show was announced as returning for series 10, there was a new host and a new set of producers. In addition, the format was announced to be changing, too. Gone were the vox pops (fake public call in segments which was a delivery system for one liners) and they were to be replaced with three different types of one liners. There was Breaking News, Coming Up (fake segments that supposedly would appear later in the show) and TV Listings. People could submit a maximum of 3 one liners for each segment. The sketches were also focused on more specific topic areas now. With the topics largely following the heading for the different news sections on the BBC News website. Business, Politics, World News, Entertainment, Sports, etc. The number of sketches that each writer could submit per week also fell from three to two.

I wondered how I would fare at first, given my lack of success on series 9 of the show. I've never been great at topical stuff, but I keep doing it in the hopes of getting better. It was also a bit of a surprise when the show started accepting one liners that were not necessarily topical. The fact that the number of sketches that a writer could submit to the show was now 2 didn't really affect me that much, as I think I never submitted the full 3 in any of the previous shows. (I managed two some weeks in previous series, though.)

I resolved to work hard on the material that I would be submitting, and I had hopes that because I'd already written a number of sketches in the weeks leading up to the start of the series (for series 2 of The Show What You Wrote and series 3 of 4am Cab) I hoped I would be more "warmed up" so I resolved to write two sketches and 9 one liners every week. And apart from week 2 and week 6, I did manage to write 2 sketches per week. In week 2 and week 6, I only managed to write one each. So over the course of the 10th series, I submitted 10 sketches and 54 one liners. (You can see a round up of the one liners in my Friday "Funnies" posts.) I've even posted some of the sketches that I submitted to the show on this website. (And will probably be posting the remaining sketches in the upcoming weeks.)

I'm happy I managed 2 credits in the first half of this series (episodes 1 and 3), even if those episodes did meet with some criticism on the Internet from people that didn't really like the new format to the show. Episodes 1 through 3 had a few hiccups but episodes 4 through 6 were great and the show has really hit it's stride again. The credits I scored were for one liners, which means I still haven't cracked the topical sketch writing side of it yet. (Of my credited one liners, the first one was topical while the one that appeared in episode 3 wasn't.) I'm going to resolve to continue with the topical material over the summer and hopefully (fingers crossed) I can be on form at the start of the next series. (Hopefully there is one.) I'm looking forward to trying again in series 11, and trying to get a sketch on at the 49th attempt, as sketch credits are what counts when trying to advance up the BBC writer food chain.

I'm happy that I managed 2 credits this series which is a vast improvement over my dire time during series 9, but still didn't reach the dizzying heights of making the record 3 times during series 8 but having one cut from the episode prior to broadcast.

Overall, in 48 submissions to the show, I have had six credits (S6E6, S7E1, S8E2, S8E6, S10E1, and S10E3: I made it rain BBC licence fee money!) with an addition two episodes that I had material recorded but it was cut before the show was broadcast (S5E1 and S8E3: I made it rain my tears.). Here is a breakdown of my submission record in handy spreadsheet style, if that sort of thing interests you:
Newsjack Record Series 3 - 10

20Mar/140

BBC Radio 4 Extra’s Newsjack – Series 10 Episode 3 – A Writing Credit

Series 10 is steaming ahead with week 3 being recorded last night and broadcast tonight. After getting nothing on the show last week, I'm back this week with another credit! 2nd of this series and 6th overall. I'm making it rain Licence Fee Money this series. Yay! And this credit is my 10th produced credit overall: 6 credits for Newsjack, 2 for Live From Kirrin Island and 2 for 4am Cab.

I got the "Congrats" email at 4.22pm this afternoon, but I've no idea what I got in. But it's cool that I got my 6th BBC writing credit. It's been 2 whole weeks since the last one on episode 1 of series 10.

You can see the episode page on the Newsjack website here.

Tune in to BBC Radio 4 Extra at 22:30 on Thursday 20 March 2014. Click here for the online streamy thing and click here for the podcast download (podcast episode available for 7 days after broadcast).

Here's a screenshot of the writing credits:

NJ-S10E3-20140320-Writing-Credit

ADDENDUM:

The joke used was my composer joke. Get the podcast for the next 7 days.

6Mar/144

BBC Radio 4 Extra’s Newsjack – Series 10 Episode 1 – A Writing Credit

Newsjack's back for another series (the 10th) of nailbiting nervousness from wannabe comedy writers. Starting with episode 1 tonight at 10.30pm on BBC Radio 4 Extra.

And lucky for me, because my nails are already short, I got something in the show.

I got the "Congrats" email at 4.30pm this afternoon, but I've no idea what I got in. But it's cool that I got my 5th BBC writing credit. Almost 12 months since the last one on episode 6 of series 8. (I didn't have any luck with series 9 last autumn, though I did post a lot of my one liners.)

You can see the episode page on the Newsjack website here.

Tune in to BBC Radio 4 Extra at 22:30 on Thursday 6 March 2014. Click here for the online streamy thing and click here for the podcast download (podcast episode available for 7 days after broadcast).

Here's a screenshot of my credit:

Partial Writing Credits for Series 10, episode 1

Addendum: The material they used was my McIlroy one liner. Get the direct podcast link here (valid for 7 days from 6 March 2014).

25Oct/130

Friday “Funnies” (Newsjack S9E6)

Rather than see my "jokes" disappear into the social media ether, I thought I'd put them where they will never be lost. Or looked at.

Presenting a round up of the Newsjack jokes that I wrote this week for Series 9, episode 6:

  1. A car used by former US Secretary of State Hilary Clinton received a ticket for parking in London without paying. In usual Diplomatic style, Mrs Clinton has yet to comment on the incident, but we understand that the traffic warden is less than thrilled at his new post in Guantanamo Bay.
  2. Scientists say they’re a step closer to curing baldness. That step, working out the correct amount of drugs so the cat stays docile but doesn’t slip off the forehead.
  3. Opinions are like socks. Everyone’s got some, and most of them stink.
  4. Opinions are like sock puppets. People are disappointed when I share mine out.
  5. Two-thirds of Tesco Salads are wasted. Well, your salad days are a time for experimentation. I was drunk a lot of the time too, in my youth. In fact I still am. Someone pass me the white wine dressing.
  6. (Scottish) Alex Salmond’s made a case for Yes at the SNP conference. I don’t care how much of a fan he is, he shouldn’t be using the national stage to make luggage for an English Prog Rock band. They can afford to buy their own.
  7. I can understand why children aren’t connected to nature. There’s no USB port on an Apple.
  8. Scottish Power to pay customers £8.5m after Ofgem probe. That’s extortionate. I know a place that’ll probe you for a fiver.
  9. The Archbishop of Canterbury hopes the "extraordinary" baptism of Prince George will inspire others to seek the same ceremony. I’ve already booked in my son, because I can’t wait until he’s 3rd in line for the throne. That could take over a week as the palace keeps returning my parcel, because apparently it “ticks.” Of course it ticks. I couldn’t get the digital timer to... *explosion*

And just incase you were wondering, none of these made it into the show.

And here's one that I wrote after I submitted the above to Newsjack:

  1. Key Syria talks to open in London. Book early. It's Lloyd Webber's most lavish production yet.

It was worth clicking the website, yes?

See you next week for more hilarity, or check my Twitter feed and see me "live" tweet some non-topical jokes.

18Oct/130

Friday “Funnies” (Newsjack S9E5)

Rather than see my "jokes" disappear into the social media ether, I thought I'd put them where they will never be lost. Or looked at.

Presenting a round up of the Newsjack jokes that I wrote this week for Series 9, episode 5:

  1. A New Discovery holds the key to Alzheimer’s. And all it took was for Discovery to shake off the dead weight of the BBC. They should have done it years ago.
  2. The Badger cull could be extended by up to three weeks thanks to Marksmen not reaching their target. Sure, blame Mark. He’s a great motivator really; he’s just got a lot on his mind. I’ve just run away with his wife, for one thing.
  3. WH Smiths has removed their website over a porn e-book scandal. Angry customers now have to get their porn for free like everyone else on the Internet. Hey look, I just found some without even looking for it. At least that’s what I tell my wife.
  4. WH Smiths has removed their website over a porn e-book scandal. So look for the next bestseller, Four Hundred and Four Shades of Error.
  5. (New York) I’m amazed at the quality of the paintings by Gorilla artist Banksy. You can train animals to do anything these days. Well, almost anything. My cat still writes god awful poetry.
  6. Derby Winner Camelot’s been put out to stud. I’ve no idea what the odds are of him holding that ear-piercing gun properly, but it’s got to be worth a bit of a flutter.
  7. Opinions are like machine guns. When I reveal mine in public, people recoil in horror.
  8. This past Monday was Columbus Day in US. A day when all Americans come together to celebrate that momentous day in history when Chris Columbus first cast Daniel Radcliffe as Harry Potter.
  9. I can’t tell you how excited I am that the Clangers are coming back to TV.
    *CLANGERS NOISE*
    Well, that’ll do it, actually.

And just incase you were wondering, none of these made it into the show.

And here's some that I wrote after I had submitted my page of jokes to Newsjack:

  1. Charlotte Church claims stars 'made sex objects.' Best. Blue Peter episode. Ever.
  2. Fitch has put the US on a Negative Watch. Congratulations, America. You've mastered time travel.

It was worth clicking the website, yes?

See you next week for more hilarity, or check my Twitter feed and see me "live" tweet some non-topical jokes.

11Oct/130

Friday “Funnies” (Newsjack S9E4)

Rather than see my "jokes" disappear into the social media ether, I thought I'd put them where they will never be lost. Or looked at.

Presenting a round up of the Newsjack jokes that I wrote this week for Series 9, episode 4:

  1. A new report claimed walking more could save lives. And just like that, Michael Moore is no longer Scottish Secretary. Who says the Tories don’t listen?
  2. The British FBI has been launched. I wonder if it’ll be run by J Edgar Dyson?
  3. Opinions are like a Mr Blobby Record. They seem like a good idea at the time, but looking back 20 years later, we’re horrified by them.
  4. Opinions are like jars of urine. If I reveal one at a party, people are disgusted.
  5. I totally agree that a new runway is needed in the South East. Where will all the models learn how to walk? On the street? Are we savages or something?
  6. (Putin) Yes, it is true Winter Olympic flame went out. I exhaled. To prove a point, I transformed into a lighter, and POW! I am now star of next Transformers film.
  7. (Obama) I’m concerned about Bob Geldof’s claim that humans will be extinct by 2030. I’ve got a bet with Kim Jong Un and if we last to 2040, I win a dollar.
  8. MEPs are trying to tighten rules governing the tobacco industry including banning flavouring, such as Menthol. The most popular flavour of MEP remains smug.
  9. This past Tuesday was Bipolar Awareness Day. No, it wasn’t. Yes, it was. No it wasn’t. Yes, it was. Oh, whatever. I don’t really care anymore.
  10. A Nuclear fusion milestone was passed at US lab. The Researcher’s screams could be heard for miles. He required 12 stitches and couldn’t sit down for days.
  11. A 300-year-old Jewish Religious Text has been found in a Garage in Macclesfield. It is expected to reach 6 figures, including Adam Sandler and Sir Alan Sugar.

And just incase you were wondering, none of these made it into the show.

It was worth clicking the website, yes?

See you next week for more hilarity, or check my Twitter feed and see me "live" tweet some non-topical jokes.

4Oct/130

Friday “Funnies” (Newsjack S9E3)

Rather than see my "jokes" disappear into the social media ether, I thought I'd put them where they will never be lost. Or looked at.

Presenting a round up of the Newsjack jokes that I wrote this week for Series 9, episode 3:

  1. Tory vice-chairman Alan Lewis has been arrested. Pretty obvious it was going to happen. The word “vice” is right there in his title.
  2. A man has been charged by police in relation to computer hacking. Say what you will about police budget problems, but at least they’re now getting value for money from the undercover rhino.
  3. David Cameron has called for increased working hours for GPs including the use of online Skype consultations. So now when your wife catches you hunched over your laptop with your pants down, you can tell her that you were just about to consult the doctor.
  4. An opinion is like the Breaking Bad series finale. You’ll always find one person disappointed by it.
  5. Opinions are like GCSE exam resits. It’s unfair some people get more than one.
  6. I cannae believe a new book says Larry the Downing Street Cat isn’t liked by David Cameron. I’d love to have a cat like that. My cat only writes God-awful poetry. “Meow, meow. Meow meow meow. Meow?” See? Utter pish.
  7. I’m definitely going to pledge money for Stoptober. If we pledge enough money, maybe they’ll stop with all these bloody party conferences.
  8. I can't believe that Helen Fielding is killing off Mark Darcy. Now her latest book really will be a big pile of pants.
  9. Last week we reported that the Prime Minister was not keen on Larry the Downing Street Cat. We were incorrect. And we would like to clarify that the PM will be dedicating the entirety of next month to the cat, which will be now be officially known as Meowvember.

And just incase you were wondering, none of these made it into the show.

It was worth clicking the website, yes?

See you next week for more hilarity, or check my Twitter feed and see me "live" tweet some non-topical jokes.

2Oct/130

Newsjack Sketch: James Dyson Engineering Award

Hello all,

As I'm rather busy writing stuff for Newsjack, I thought that I'd publish my favourite sketch that I wrote for this ninth series (so far). I've submitted a total of 5 sketches to them in the first 3 episodes, but my favourite (so far) is one of the sketches that I submitted to Newsjack in week 1. The sketch didn't get anywhere on the show, but I still like it after giving it a another read at the weekend, so I thought I'd share it with you.

Enjoy!

Newsjack Sketch: James Dyson Engineering Award.

JUSTIN
The winner of the UK round of the James Dyson’s Engineering Award has been announced. The £2000 UK Award celebrates innovation in design engineering and this...

RUNNER UP
(interrupting)
(scoffs) Big deal. He put some floaty things in water. I’d hardly call that innovative. I learnt to swim by holding on to a floaty thing in water and kicking my feet. Getting kids to do your dirty work is nothing new, the Victorians were doing it five hundred years ago.

JUSTIN
Let me guess, you’re an engineering student?

RUNNER UP
No, I’m an engineering Graduate. And the UK runner up.

JUSTIN
Then you should know it’s a wave power generator that harvests energy no matter which way the sea is flowing.

RUNNER UP
I had a solution for that, but it’s all politics. Apparently it’s more innovative to throw some things in the sea than it is to CONTROL THE MOON. (laughs)

JUSTIN
I’m sorry, did you just say “Control the Moon?”

RUNNER UP
Yes, Control the moon. Imagine Justin, if I control the moon, I can control energy. Any time some country wants some energy. They’ll come to me. I’ll have the monopoly. Finally I’ll get to be the Top Hat rather than the pathetic little shoe.

JUSTIN
That sounds extremely unethical.

RUNNER UP
That’s why I thought British Politicians would love it.

JUSTIN
The British public would never stand for it.

RUNNER UP
That’s just what James Dyson said. I’ll admit that there were a few technical issues with flooding rivers when I did a test last summer and another test in December, but I’m almost certain I’ve got the kinks worked out now.

JUSTIN
What about the long term environmental impact?

RUNNER UP
And how is dumping materials in the sea any more environmentally friendly than controlling the moon? What happens when those little floaty things reach the end of their lifespan? What do we do with them, eh?

JUSTIN
Flush them out into international waters, I suppose.

RUNNER UP
Exactly. Flush them into international waters so they can get caught around little fishes and necks of birds. I hope you have a lot of pairs of scissors. Those floaty things will need a lot of cutting up so the wildlife doesn’t get caught. Remember those plastic 6-pack can holders?

JUSTIN
Oh, I hated cutting those up. It took ages.

RUNNER UP
But if you don’t cut them up, you’ll be spending a lot of weekends on some rickety diesel-chugging boat setting those poor little creatures free.

JUSTIN
But I get terrible seasickness.

RUNNER UP
But that won’t happen with my solution. You get to stay on dry land. We can direct the tides to a specific location, precisely harnessing all the energy.

JUSTIN
It just sounds so evil.

RUNNER UP
I’ll remember you said that. Your name’s on my list.

JUSTIN
I’m glad you didn’t win. Why would anyone want to take this beyond prototype?

RUNNER UP
No prototype for me. Everything is in place.

JUSTIN
Then why do you need the award?

RUNNER UP
I had a programmer put the controls in a handy App that I can use on my smartphone. But thanks to a mix up, the app will only run on iOS7. Do you know how expensive that is?

End of Sketch.