I Love Matt Fishwick! Fiction and fun with Matt Fishwick

1Oct/140

September “Funnies”

Rather than see my "jokes" disappear into the social media ether, I thought I'd put them where they will never be lost. Or looked at.

Presenting a round up of all the jokes that I wrote in September:

  1. To all those starting back at school over the next week or so, can I just say: Ha ha.
  2. I'm optimistic about this month's horoscope. According to my horoscope, anyway.
  3. It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and World of Warcraft.
  4. I was nominated for the Ice Bucket Challenge. But I lost out to Meryl Streep. That woman wins everything.
  5. Just had my first lesson in being a Pick Up Artist. I stencilled a daisy on the hood. Tomorrow, a Hello Kitty on the tailgate.
  6. Q. Why didn't the bowler wear his spare pants?
    A. Because they had a 7 10 split.
  7. Would you like to know my hilarious owl stew recipe? It's a hoot and a half.
  8. The LibDems promise more free childcare, according to the BBC. Well, most of them will be unemployed after the next election, so it'll give them a reason to get up in the morning. http://m.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-29038263
  9. The air was cool. Not Fonzie cool. Milhouse cool.
  10. Placido Domingo to close the iTunes Festival. How? By clicking the X in the upper right hand corner, just like everybody else.
  11. Saw a Jeremy Vine interview. It lasted more than 6 seconds.
  12. Been watching a match on TV for 90 minutes. Nothing's happening. It's true what they say: It really isn't going to combust without some sandpaper.
  13. Future-proof your sandwiches by eating them today.
  14. I started up an Apple Watch, but all I got in the end was compost.
  15. Woke up feeling like one of the Seven Dwarfs. Not saying which one, but it's only 7.20am and I've already been sued for malpractice.
  16. Amazon have introduced "Fire" their first smartphone. It features Firefly technology. That means it'll be cancelled prematurely. Then turned into a film a few years later.
  17. Another Stephen King adaptation is heading to the CBS TV network. It's called "Under The Dome." And this time, it'll follow the plot of the book.
  18. If you think the iWatch or other smartwatches are a good idea, consider this: my smartwatch is very unhappy. According to his diary entries, anyway.
  19. I'm listening to Barenaked Ladies. The security in this Women only gym is very lax.
  20. If you added up all the time I've spent sat on the toilet, you probably need a more varied set of hobbies.
  21. My suit carrier is so lazy, he expects me to carry him.
  22. At the supermarket, getting some exercise in. For a big guy, this security guard is fast on his feet.
  23. There's runner beans in the kitchen. So far, they've refused to get me a latte. They'll never make it in the film industry with that attitude.
  24. Enjoyed a tumbler full of scotch until I got Batman's valeting bill.
  25. Just walked past the aptly named Still Fresh shelf in the supermarket. They're right. It pinched my bum.
  26. Sugar intake must be slashed, say scientists. What about all the poor sugar that studied hard at school? Now they'll all be fighting over fewer uni places.
  27. If you ever wonder to yourself "Will putting the car air conditioning on for a two hour car journey keep my sandwich edible and fresh at my destination?" I can tell you from experience, the answer is a resounding "NO."
  28. Sure, these baked beans claim to be in a rich tomato sauce, but if you ask them for a bit of money, they get really quiet.
  29. Got some big news today. My A0 printer arrived.
  30. Boss commended me for draping myself sexily on the office kitchen table last week. Apparently, lunch breaks have been drastically reduced since then.
  31. What do we want?
    An end to lethargy.
    When do we wa
  32. Took a walk while listening to "I'm Shipping Up To Boston." A rat ran across my path. I'm going to get shot by Matt Damon, aren't I?
  33. Just jumped a box at the gym. That'll teach it to not watch its back.
  34. Managed to do a 3 pointer on the basketball court. Subsequently, my car got towed.
  35. London Underground to operate a 24 hour tube service at the weekends from September 2015. No word yet on whether it will be a Saturday or a Sunday.
  36. ISIL crisis caused David Cameron to recall parliament. Sadly he could only remember Nick and that squirrely looking bloke.
  37. Got wolf-whistled at whilst on a rural stroll. Suppose it's what I get if I replace my jaunty autumnal jacket with bacon. Damn you, drycleaners.

Plus my Newsjack Series 11 Week 1 Oneliners

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. After the result of the Scottish vote, Apple to change the name of iCloud to nayCloud.
  2. Breaking News! Richard the Third’s skull.
  3. Political Change does come to Westminster, thanks to a new charity box in the House of Commons.
  4. Gordon Brown vows that Scottish powers will be delivered. But if Scotland aren’t in, they’ll be left with a neighbour, England. Or in a safe place, probably under that fake hill at the back of Edinburgh.
  5. Angelina Jolie to direct film on Ivory poaching, while Delia Smith will write the tie in cookbook. This should finally change the mind of those that like their ivory scrambled.
  6. It’s finally official: It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and World of Warcraft.

TV/RADIO LISTINGS:

  1. On BBC2 it’s Holmes Under The Hammer. This week, thanks to a booking mishap, Sherlock and MC Hammer have to share bunk beds.
  2. On Channel 5 at 8pm, it’s The Nightmare Neighbour Next Door. This week, Scotland just won’t keep the noise down.
  3. On the BBC, it’s Saturday Kitchen. This week, guest presenter Tony Blair praises the virtue of using ground troops, for those military chefs that don’t have time to let the enemy do it.
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