I Love Matt Fishwick! Fiction and fun with Matt Fishwick

30Apr/140

RADIO SKETCH: Nuisance Calls Report

This is a sketch that I submitted to Newsjack Series 10 Week 5 that didn't make it into the programme. It's probably my favourite sketch that I wrote over the entirety of series 10.

NUISANCE CALLS REPORT
by Matt Fishwick

SFX: BATHTUB FILLS WITH WATER, TAPS TURN OFF.

ROMESH:
And now we come to a new segment on Newsjack called the relaxation zone.

SFX: WATER SPLASH AS ROMESH SITS IN BATH.

ROMESH:
Ow, hot. Each week, we’ll look at some of the news stories that have caused people to relax...

SFX: PHONE RINGS

ROMESH:
...to relax and....

SFX: PHONE RINGS

ROMESH:
... to relax... (annoyed) Can somebody get that? Pippa?

SFX: PHONE RINGS

PIPPA:
(distant) I’m just off out with Loretta, bye!

SFX: MUFFLED FRONT DOOR SLAM

ROMESH:
Morgana?

MORGANA:
You’re not my real dad. Get out the bath and make me.

SFX:FEET STOMPING ACROSS FLOOR, BEDROOM DOOR SLAM.

ROMESH:
Lewis?

LEWIS:
I’m entertaining a lady. (beat) Is this your card?

LADY:
Oh my god, yes!

SFX: PHONE RINGS

ROMESH:
(annoyed) I’ll get it myself then.

SFX: ROMESH EXITS BATH, FEET ON FLOOR, PICKS UP PHONE

ROMESH:
(annoyed) Hello?

CALLER:
Hello, you have been specially selected to receive our in depth news report on the planned crackdown on nuisance phone calls.

ROMESH:
Look, I was in the bath. This isn’t a good time. Goodbye.

SFX:PUTS DOWN PHONE

SFX:PHONE RINGS

ROMESH:
Hel-

CALLER:
Are you sure it isn’t a good time?

ROMESH:
Yes.

CALLER:
I mean, really sure? Like 100% sure?

ROMESH:
Yes. I’m sure. I’m 110% sure.

CALLER:
We both know that’s impossible.

ROMESH:
Okay, I am 100% sure.

CALLER:
Because if you’re just 95% sure we can divulge our report to you.

ROMESH:
No. Goodbye.

SFX: PUTS DOWN PHONE

ROMESH:
I can’t believe I’m bothered by all these calls. If only the government would crackdown on them. We could do a report about it on the show. (beat). Oh.

END.

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