I Love Matt Fishwick! Fiction and fun with Matt Fishwick

26Mar/140

Radio Sketch: Supermarket Budget Cuts

Here is a sketch that I wrote for Series 10 episode 3 of Newsjack that didn't get on the air.

Supermarket Budget Cuts
by Matt Fishwick

EXECUTIVE #1:
Lads, come in. It’s great to see you. Ant.

ANT:
(Indistinguishable Geordie Babble).

EXECUTIVE #1:
Dec.

DEC:
(Indistinguishable Geordie Babble)?

EXECUTIVE #1:
Thanks for asking, My daughter’s fine.

ANT + DEC:
(positive)
(Indistinguishable Geordie Babble).

EXECUTIVE #1:
Look, lads. You’re aware that Morrisons posted a loss of £176m last year?

ANT + DEC:
(serious)
(Indistinguishable Geordie Babble).

EXECUTIVE #1:
Well I’m afraid that because of that loss, we can’t justify keeping you both on for future adverts. We’re going to have to let one of you go.

ANT:
(Indistinguishable Geordie Babble).

EXECUTIVE #1:
I know it comes as a shock. Believe me, if there were any way we could keep you both on, I would. If you have any ideas?

DEC:
(Indistinguishable Geordie Babble), and Text Santa to...

EXECUTIVE #1:
(interrupting)
Christmas was one of our worst periods. I doubt putting the entire Bromsgrove branch on Santa’s lap is going to boost sales. If maybe you could change the name of the show to Text Morrisons? And highlight all the good we could do with that money. Like pay our shareholders. Or maybe you could change the name of your other show to Ant and Dec’s Saturday Night M Kitchen Take-Away. We’ve got a brand new Tex Mex range that’s just screaming out for cross promotion. What do you say?

ANT:
(hesitant)
(Indistinguishable Geordie Babble).

EXECUTIVE #1:
Well, it was worth a try wasn’t it?

DEC:
(agreement)
(Indistinguishable Geordie Babble).

SFX: DOOR OPENS

EXECUTIVE #2:
Have you made your decision yet? (beat) Oh, sorry. I didn’t realise you were still in the meeting.

EXECUTIVE #1:
I haven’t decided. Look at you both. Your face s are so pretty. It’s like Sophie’s Choice.

ANT + DEC:
(agreement)
(Indistinguishable Geordie Babble).

EXECUTIVE #1:
I’m going to have to think about this a bit more. Maybe we can make some cuts elsewhere. Like removing herring from the Fish Counter.

EXECUTIVE #2:
Those herring sales are putting us in the red. Maybe we should start opening 24 hours.

EXECUTIVE #1:
We just need something with a bit of a hook. To get people interested again. We need a name that says what we stand for. A name that really says Morrisons “M” brand. I’ve got it!

SFX: INTERCOM BUZZ.

EXECUTIVE #1:
Susan, get me M Night Shamalan on the phone.

END

Bookmark and Share
Comments (0) Trackbacks (0)

No comments yet.


Leave a Reply

No trackbacks yet.