I Love Matt Fishwick! Fiction and fun with Matt Fishwick

26Mar/140

Radio Sketch: Patron Saint of MPs

Here is a sketch that I wrote for Series 10 episode 3 of Newsjack that didn't make it to air:

PATRON SAINT OF MPs
by Matt Fishwick

VOICE OVER:
For thousands of years, the political elite have faced hard questions.

THATCHER:
Am I for turning?

BLAIR:
Should we invade Iraq?

OBAMA:
Where exactly is Crimea anyway? Someone get me a map.

VOICE OVER:
But as every politician knows, they don’t have to face these questions alone. And now you don’t have to either, as we bring you the collected wisdom of Saint Guano, the patron Saint of MPs in a handy three volume set. Saint Guano was a politician who, after a pretty difficult debating session, as the legend goes, stood up and drove all the reasoning and common sense out of politics. And politics has been much more fruitful ever since. But the wisom in these pages doesn’t just apply to the Houses of Parliament that’ll help you decide to lower the tax rate for low and middle income earners, or voting whatever way you want to ignoring the will of your constituants, it can help you tackle every day quandries such as:

GIRL:
I’m hungry, mummy.

WOMAN:
I’m torn. These shoes are on sale for today only.

VOICE OVER:
But after a brief read of Saint Guano’s wisdom, you’ll be able to justify your choice:

WOMAN:
If I were to feed my daughter, she’d only be full for a day, but if I buy these shoes, I’ll be fashionable and stylish for a lifetime. Thanks Saint Guano, you saved my life.

GIRL:
I think I’m going to faint.

SFX: GIRL FAINTS AND LANDS ON FLOOR KNOCKING OVER SOME SORT OF SHOE DISPLAY

SALES ASSISTANT:
Will there be anything else today.

WOMAN:
Why not, she won’t need to eat for the rest of the day.

BOTH:
(laugh)

VOICE OVER:
Yes, this handy three volume series that can be yours for just 3 installments of 19.99 plus shipping, handling, and expenses for a second home when your first home is a trundle bed in your Aunt’s attic. Order yours today.

END

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