Sketch: PRIVATE EYE
Hello there my friends.
It's time for the second Wednesday post of the year, I thought that I would post a sketch that I rewrote over Christmas as my last Second City course assignment.
Hope you enjoy it, and feel free to leave any comments or suggestions or general feedback in the comments section.
PRIVATE EYE
By Matt Fishwick – December 30th, 2011 (Rewrite 1).(A Crumbling hallway of a 1950s style apartment block. A Private Eye is stood in the hallways dressed in a trench coat and hat. He is smoking a cigarette.)
PRIVATE EYE (VO)
It was a tough case. I trailed all over the city looking for that missing suitcase. From the Port Authority all the way to the Gin Authority. Nobody had seen, or was willing to say that they had seen the suitcase. I’d been to every low down dive in the Tri State Area, including that Pizza Joint on Seventh that was shut down by the health department when it was discovered that they hadn’t had a working pizza oven in three years. What can I say? They did make a great cup of Joe. It was my seventeenth day on the case, and was beginning to think that it would never end. The only bright point in the whole case was that I was being paid per day.(The Private Eye is about to knock on the door of one of the apartments, but the voice over kicks in again. The Private Eye looks visibly agitated and begins to check his watch and tap his foot in frustration.)
PRIVATE EYE (VO)
It was after finishing a rather tasty pizza slice that I remembered that I hadn’t checked with the next door neighbour, who had conveniently been out of town since just after the theft. I had it on good authority from one of my stoop pigeons that they were back. It was difficult teaching that bird to talk. I had briefly considered putting in a parrot undercover, but it would stick out like a sore thumb, so I went with a pigeon.(The Private Eye takes a book out of his pocket and begins to read.)
PRIVATE EYE (VO)
So now I was back to the apartment building. It was the second...PRIVATE EYE
(without looking up from reading his book)
Third.PRIVATE EYE (VO)
Sorry, the third time that I was back checking their whereabouts. If they weren’t there this time, I don’t know what I would do. I was nearly out of options. I was getting a little desperate.PRIVATE EYE
(looking up from reading his book)
Can I go in now?PRIVATE EYE (VO)
Go on, seeing as it’s you.PRIVATE EYE
Okay then.(The Private Eye pockets the book and knocks on the door of the apartment. After a few beats the door of the apartment is answered by a small child.)
PRIVATE EYE
Is your Mommy or Daddy home?(The child shakes his head.)
PRIVATE EYE
Good.(The Private Eye bursts in to the apartment. The child follows the Private Eye into the apartment.)
PRIVATE EYE
Why don’t you take a seat, punk?(The child says nothing. The Private Eye stares at the child. The child stares at the Private Eye.)
PRIVATE EYE (VO)
As we stared at one another I could sense that the kid was schooled in the way of playing hard ball, as there was a ball in the corner of the room. It didn’t look all that bouncy neither.(There is a beat and then the child takes a seat in the centre of the room on a chair.)
PRIVATE EYE
Look, kid, we all know what happened. We know it was you. We’ve got witnesses, so you might as well just admit it.(The child just sits in the chair saying nothing, staring at the Private Eye.)
PRIVATE EYE
Playing it tough, are you kid? (beat) Well, I’ve met your type before, but I’ll let you in on a little secret. Sooner or later they always crack. Kids like you are always on the lookout for the latest grift to score some sweet, sweet candy. Well I’ve got news for you. You’ve messed with the wrong people. There’s no candy here, bub. So where are the goods?(Once again, the child is silent.)
PRIVATE EYE (VO)
The kid was good at this. I couldn’t let him know that his tough stance would eventually make me lose interest in this. As I watched the kid, I noticed that he perked up a little bit just a second ago, and realised that maybe I wasn’t the only one that could hear me.PRIVATE EYE
We’ve got you made kid. There are marks leading from their apartment to yours. We’ve even got photographic evidence of your sticky little paws, so just confess and the cops will go easier on you, otherwise you’ll be forced to make your own bed for a very long time.(The child is unmoved by the threats of the Private Eye.)
PRIVATE EYE (VO)
There were marks that were...PRIVATE EYE
(interrupting)
Will you shut up? (beat) Come over here.(The Private Eye walks over to a corner of the room.)
PRIVATE EYE (VO)
What is it?PRIVATE EYE
You’re too loud. He can hear you. He’s going to find out too much and then my interrogation won’t be worth diddly squat.PRIVATE EYE (VO)
He doesn’t know about you crying yourself to sleep last night.(The Private Eye looks over at the kid, and sees him smirking a little.)
PRIVATE EYE
Damn it.PRIVATE EYE (VO)
Sorry.(In a fit of anger, the Private Eye begins to smash the place up in the hopes of getting a reaction from the child. But he gets none.)
PRIVATE EYE
Is that going to change your mind?PRIVATE EYE (VO)
To be honest, I didn’t think it would.(The child shakes his head slowly and methodically, daring the Private Eye to do his worst.)
PRIVATE EYE
That’s how you want to play it, huh? (beat) In that case, you wouldn’t mind if I took a little look around, seeing as you got nothing to hide?(The Private Eye runs off to another room for another second [lots of banging and noise off stage while he is away] before returning dragging a suitcase behind him. The Private Eye places the suitcase next to the child.)
PRIVATE EYE
Did you think I wasn’t smart enough to find it? (beat) Well, here it is. You and your five year old head are no match for my man’s brain.(The child stays silent and unmoved by the Private Eye’s words and actions. The Private Eye is becoming visibly more agitated by the child.)
PRIVATE EYE (VO)
It was at that moment that I knew I would have to do something that that I loathed so much I swore I would never ever do again.PRIVATE EYE
Alright, I’m going to enjoy this.(The Private Eye cracks his knuckles.)
PRIVATE EYE (VO)
Ow.(The Private Eye moves to take a swing at the child, but at the last second the Private Eye swerves and picks up the suitcase and moves it in front of the child and opens the suitcase.)
PRIVATE EYE
Aha!(The Private Eye reaches into the suitcase and produces a set of house keys.)
PRIVATE EYE
I knew it was you. Finally all my antics that got me kicked off the force are justified. I’ve saved the world and I can return these keys to its rightful owner so they can get into their apartment. Let’s just hope that your neighbour’s cat is still alive. The only thing that would make this moment sweeter is a confession.PRIVATE EYE (VO)
And maybe some ice for my knuckles.PRIVATE EYE
Now that I’ve got you hook, line and sinker, what have you got to say for yourself, kid?CHILD
I’m not telling you anything.PRIVATE EYE
And why’s that?CHILD
Because you’re a stranger.(Blackout.)
