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I Love Matt Fishwick! Fiction and fun with Matt Fishwick

1Oct/140

September “Funnies”

Rather than see my "jokes" disappear into the social media ether, I thought I'd put them where they will never be lost. Or looked at.

Presenting a round up of all the jokes that I wrote in September:

  1. To all those starting back at school over the next week or so, can I just say: Ha ha.
  2. I'm optimistic about this month's horoscope. According to my horoscope, anyway.
  3. It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and World of Warcraft.
  4. I was nominated for the Ice Bucket Challenge. But I lost out to Meryl Streep. That woman wins everything.
  5. Just had my first lesson in being a Pick Up Artist. I stencilled a daisy on the hood. Tomorrow, a Hello Kitty on the tailgate.
  6. Q. Why didn't the bowler wear his spare pants?
    A. Because they had a 7 10 split.
  7. Would you like to know my hilarious owl stew recipe? It's a hoot and a half.
  8. The LibDems promise more free childcare, according to the BBC. Well, most of them will be unemployed after the next election, so it'll give them a reason to get up in the morning. http://m.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-29038263
  9. The air was cool. Not Fonzie cool. Milhouse cool.
  10. Placido Domingo to close the iTunes Festival. How? By clicking the X in the upper right hand corner, just like everybody else.
  11. Saw a Jeremy Vine interview. It lasted more than 6 seconds.
  12. Been watching a match on TV for 90 minutes. Nothing's happening. It's true what they say: It really isn't going to combust without some sandpaper.
  13. Future-proof your sandwiches by eating them today.
  14. I started up an Apple Watch, but all I got in the end was compost.
  15. Woke up feeling like one of the Seven Dwarfs. Not saying which one, but it's only 7.20am and I've already been sued for malpractice.
  16. Amazon have introduced "Fire" their first smartphone. It features Firefly technology. That means it'll be cancelled prematurely. Then turned into a film a few years later.
  17. Another Stephen King adaptation is heading to the CBS TV network. It's called "Under The Dome." And this time, it'll follow the plot of the book.
  18. If you think the iWatch or other smartwatches are a good idea, consider this: my smartwatch is very unhappy. According to his diary entries, anyway.
  19. I'm listening to Barenaked Ladies. The security in this Women only gym is very lax.
  20. If you added up all the time I've spent sat on the toilet, you probably need a more varied set of hobbies.
  21. My suit carrier is so lazy, he expects me to carry him.
  22. At the supermarket, getting some exercise in. For a big guy, this security guard is fast on his feet.
  23. There's runner beans in the kitchen. So far, they've refused to get me a latte. They'll never make it in the film industry with that attitude.
  24. Enjoyed a tumbler full of scotch until I got Batman's valeting bill.
  25. Just walked past the aptly named Still Fresh shelf in the supermarket. They're right. It pinched my bum.
  26. Sugar intake must be slashed, say scientists. What about all the poor sugar that studied hard at school? Now they'll all be fighting over fewer uni places.
  27. If you ever wonder to yourself "Will putting the car air conditioning on for a two hour car journey keep my sandwich edible and fresh at my destination?" I can tell you from experience, the answer is a resounding "NO."
  28. Sure, these baked beans claim to be in a rich tomato sauce, but if you ask them for a bit of money, they get really quiet.
  29. Got some big news today. My A0 printer arrived.
  30. Boss commended me for draping myself sexily on the office kitchen table last week. Apparently, lunch breaks have been drastically reduced since then.
  31. What do we want?
    An end to lethargy.
    When do we wa
  32. Took a walk while listening to "I'm Shipping Up To Boston." A rat ran across my path. I'm going to get shot by Matt Damon, aren't I?
  33. Just jumped a box at the gym. That'll teach it to not watch its back.
  34. Managed to do a 3 pointer on the basketball court. Subsequently, my car got towed.
  35. London Underground to operate a 24 hour tube service at the weekends from September 2015. No word yet on whether it will be a Saturday or a Sunday.
  36. ISIL crisis caused David Cameron to recall parliament. Sadly he could only remember Nick and that squirrely looking bloke.
  37. Got wolf-whistled at whilst on a rural stroll. Suppose it's what I get if I replace my jaunty autumnal jacket with bacon. Damn you, drycleaners.

Plus my Newsjack Series 11 Week 1 Oneliners

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. After the result of the Scottish vote, Apple to change the name of iCloud to nayCloud.
  2. Breaking News! Richard the Third’s skull.
  3. Political Change does come to Westminster, thanks to a new charity box in the House of Commons.
  4. Gordon Brown vows that Scottish powers will be delivered. But if Scotland aren’t in, they’ll be left with a neighbour, England. Or in a safe place, probably under that fake hill at the back of Edinburgh.
  5. Angelina Jolie to direct film on Ivory poaching, while Delia Smith will write the tie in cookbook. This should finally change the mind of those that like their ivory scrambled.
  6. It’s finally official: It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and World of Warcraft.

TV/RADIO LISTINGS:

  1. On BBC2 it’s Holmes Under The Hammer. This week, thanks to a booking mishap, Sherlock and MC Hammer have to share bunk beds.
  2. On Channel 5 at 8pm, it’s The Nightmare Neighbour Next Door. This week, Scotland just won’t keep the noise down.
  3. On the BBC, it’s Saturday Kitchen. This week, guest presenter Tony Blair praises the virtue of using ground troops, for those military chefs that don’t have time to let the enemy do it.
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29Sep/140

Mundane Monday

It's Mundane Monday!

To get my mind off it after witnessing the aftermath of last week's clown sex, I decided to go for a walk, but on my way back, I was almost got by this strange fellow:

image

I was just lucky I had a stick to throw it.

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24Sep/140

Newsjack Series 11 Returns This Week

That's right, people.

It's back.

Newsjack is back for an 11th series, premiering tomorrow night (Thursday, September 25th 2014) at 11pm.

Here is my record from my previous series submissions:

Newsjack Record Series 3 - 10

While it's too late for you to submit to the first episode, there are still 5 further shows this series. So get looking at the news and get writing. Find all the details of how to submit and what they're looking for, click here.

Here's to series 11!

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22Sep/140

Mundane Monday

It's Mundane Monday!

image

It's nice to know that clowns are having safe sex, but it's disappointing to know that they have access to my bin at work.

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17Sep/140

Improv Gig 41: Impromp2 – 2prov – Wednesday 10th September 2014

Improv Gig : 41.
Date : Wednesday 10th September, 2014.
Company : Impromp2
Duos : Claire Corfield & Matt Vaughn-Wilson / Kit Murdock & Aaron Twitchen / Neil Jackson & John Robinson / Lorcan Mullan & Matt Fishwick / Lee Dempsey & Wanda Keenan.
Location : Cherry Reds, 88-90 John Bright Street, Birmingham, United Kingdom, B1 1BN.
Start time : 7.30pm.
Duration : 2 hours.

Show Format:
This evening differed from my usual improv shows because it was the first time that I had performed longform improv as part of a duo. Each duo would get 10-15 minutes to improvise scenes based off an audience suggestion.

The Gig Itself:

First Half

DUO 1: Claire Corfield & Matt Vaughn-Wilson
Suggestion: I want to say Needle. So, needle.
Featuring violent knitters and broken legs, a schoolboy / teacher liason and a French spy falling in love with the British way of life during World War 2.

DUO 2: Kit Murdock & Aaron Twitchen
Suggestion: Honey
Featuring an obese woman and the man that loved her. A young girl obsessed with Cliff Richard and his religious songs and that father that was wary of him. And a boy who didn't know his name or address.

DUO 3: Neil Jackson & John Robinson
Suggestion: Can't remember what the suggestion was, but the number was 74.
Featuring a Scottish / Welsh border dweller applying for his English Citizenship, skipping back 74 months into the past with each new scene so that it was revealed how he met and then killed his wife, how his wife had a knife fetish and how Jurassic Park inspired the whole thing.

Second Half

DUO 4: Lorcan Mullan & Matt Fishwick
Suggestion: Brecon Beacons
Featuring a home in a remote location, and a father imparting wisdom to his son, about how he learnt to heal himself from bullet wounds with the power of his mind. The reason why he thought the power of the mind worked. And how he ended up being paid to get a mortgage.

DUO 5: Wanda Keenan & Lee Dempsey
Suggestion: Chrysanthemum
Featuring overly creative funeral flower arrangers. Flirting uppercrust horse riders. A song. And inappropriate comforting at a funeral.

Post Gig Thoughts:
This was the first time that I had been to Cherry Reds (performing or other otherwise.) It's a nice space. The evening flew by and I enjoyed all the acts. I really enjoyed doing longform, and it is definitely something that I'd like to do more of when I get to Australia. There are quite a few improv groups out there, and one of them does longform classes, so that's something I'll be looking into because I'd to get better at it and do more shows. I'm also going to be looking to do more regular improv classes when I get over there. And maybe look into taking an acting class or two as well.

Thanks to the Kit for inviting us, the participants for giving us an entertaining show and to the audience for turning up and laughing.

See you all at my next show.

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15Sep/140

Mundane Monday

It's Mundane Monday.

Sometimes when you're walking along, and your shopping bag breaks, it is vital that you cradle a bottle of wine like a small child.

image

Aw, the get drunk up so fast...

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10Sep/140

Tonight! Birmingham! Improv!

It's tonight.

A free night of some of the finest improv duos making stuff up from your suggestions.

I'm back on the stage with the very talented Lorcan Mullan performing 2prov (aka 2 person improv) as part of the Impromp2 event being held at Cherry Reds in Birmingham next Wednesday, September 10th 2014. The show starts at 7pm, and it's free. So get your laughing gear down there, to see various duos taking to the stage and making stuff up on the spot in a longform extravaganza.

See the Facebook event for more.

Who: Lorcan Mullan & Matt Fishwick. (Other Duos include Claire Corfield & Matt Vaughn-Wilson / Kit Murdock & Aaron Twitchen / Lee Dempsey & Wanda Keenan / Neil Jackson & John Robinson)
What: 2prov (aka 2 person improv teams)
Where: Cherry Reds, 88-90 John Bright Street, Birmingham, United Kingdom, B1 1BN.
Why: To make you laugh and cry.
When: Wednesday September 10th 2014. 7.30pm start (Doors 7pm).
How (Much): For you, FREE, you cheeky scamp!

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8Sep/140

Mundane Monday

It's Mundane Monday.

It was my mother's birthday recently. Guess which card was from me...

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She'll just have to hold on to it for 40 years.

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7Sep/140

Scottish Referendum: You Decide

My ol' improv pal, stand up comic and writer extraordinaire, Judgement Dave, has written a book about the Scottish Referendum. It's a Choose Your Own Adventure style book where you get to make choices about what happens. (Just like voting, only yours is the only vote that counts.) It's a lot of fun.

It's available on Kindle, whereever Kindle books are sold. (So, Amazon.)

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3Sep/140

Upcoming Improv Gig Alert! (September 2014 Edition)

It's been a bit quiet on the improv front these past few months (my last show was in May).

But fear not, because I'm back on the stage with the very talented Rich Coad performing 2prov (aka 2 person improv) as part of the Impromp2 event being held at Cherry Reds in Birmingham next Wednesday, September 10th 2014. The show starts at 7pm, and it's free. So get your laughing gear down there, to see various duos taking to the stage and making stuff up on the spot in a longform extravaganza.

See the Facebook event for more.

Who: Rich Coad & Matt Fishwick. (Other Duos include Claire Corfield & Matt Vaughn-Wilson / Kit Murdock & Aaron Twitchen / Lee Dempsey & Wanda Keenan)
What: 2prov (aka 2 person improv teams)
Where: Cherry Reds, 88-90 John Bright Street, Birmingham, United Kingdom, B1 1BN.
Why: To make you laugh and cry.
When: Wednesday September 10th 2014. 7pm start (Doors 6:30pm).
How (Much): For you, FREE, you cheeky scamp!

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