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I Love Matt Fishwick! Fiction and fun with Matt Fishwick


Mundane Monday

It's Mundane Monday!

Got myself a new batch of medication this week.

Old pills on the left, New pills on the right:


Hope the new batch aren't suppositories.

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Sketch: Prince Charles Ice Bucket Challenge

Hey y'all,

Remember last week when I mentioned that I got a writing credit on NewsRevue back at the beginning of September? Well, you should have got over your shock at my success by now.

And because I've been busy of late, I thought that I'd "phone in" this post by just uploading the sketch that I wrote.

Remember the lazy days of summer when that ice bucket do dah was all the rage, and those videos went round the internet faster than a chicken riding a rodeo bull? Oh, good. Hold onto that mental image. It'll keep you warm at night. But until then, here's my sketch that I sent in to NewsRevue:

You can see it in PDF form. (If you have a penchant for making topical sketches well past their sell by date, feel free to make it.)

Hope you enjoyed that.

And see you all back here next week for more half-assery.


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Mundane Monday

It's Mundane Monday.


This door was alarmed. I guess even in supermarkets, there are shocking things to witness.

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Friday “Funnies” (Friday 3rd to Thursday 9th October 2014)

Rather than see my "jokes" disappear into the social media ether, I thought I'd put them where they will never be lost. Or looked at.

Presenting a round up of all the jokes that I wrote this week:

  1. When partaking in an office hours silent disco at an architectural firm, shouting "Raise the roof" can cost some people lots of money.
  2. I'm watching a paranoid thriller, but I fear it's not.
  3. Q. Why did the Elves join the army? A. To fight for the Santa Cause. #GoldCrackers.

That's right, only three. (If you can even call them jokes.)

And now, Presenting a round up of all the jokes that I wrote and submitted to Newsjack Series 11 Episode 3:


  1. PERSON 1: Man walks into bar
    PERSON 2: Actually, that’s sheep. The printer ran out of ink.
  2. Forgetful man loses house keys. Uses national radio show to ask his wife to wait up for him. Please.
  3. The parody law is in effect. Also coming into effect: The Vanessa Paradis law, meaning we still can’t make fun of Johnny Depp or his beautiful man face.
  4. Angry Birds creator releases new game. Angry Former Employee.
  5. Protesters cut short Top Gear shoot, and I was *this* close to hitting Clarkson.
  6. Ex News of the World news Editor Ian Edmondson admits to phone hacking plot. So far the admission hasn’t boosted sales of his debut novel.


  1. Two plumbers go head to head in Game of Thrones.
  2. Zammo! *sound effect* Techno! *sound effect* McClusky! *sound effect* New Truancy Officer Batman arrives at Grange Hill.
  3. Baby Got Bach. It’s Record Breakers.

See you next week for more hilarity, or check my Twitter feed and see me "live" tweet them.

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Writing Credit: NewsRevue – The Stage Show

So, now that the Newsjacking season is upon us I've been submitting to the show as usual.

But this year, in the run up to series 11, I decided to do a bit of a warm up and submit to a topical stage show that happens in London. Every week.

So I started submitting to NewsRevue at the end of August.

And last week, I heard that I got a credit on the show two weeks in a row.

(It's the same sketch that got on in both weeks, but I'm counting it as two credits, because each week stands alone.)

So if you want to see my credit, go on over to the British Comedy Guide and look at my first credit (for 2014 Run 6 Week 1) and second credit (for 2014 Run 6 Week 2). As there's a bit of a delay between actually getting a sketch on and finding out about it (because I'm not London based), if you want to see the sketch in action, you'll need a time machine. When you get hold of one, let me know. There's a couple of places in time that I'd like to go. (Unless, of course, I post the sketch once it's no longer earning me cashola.)

And if you want to submit, check out the NewsRevue website for details of what they're looking for.

Good luck to you in your writing endeavours.


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Mundane Monday

It's Mundane Monday!

It's just under 10 weeks until I finish work before moving to Australia.


My shoes are wearing thin.

Hold on shoes, I don't want to buy any more before moving.

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Friday “Funnies” (Wednesday 1st to Thursday 2nd October 2014)

Rather than see my "jokes" disappear into the social media ether, I thought I'd put them where they will never be lost. Or looked at.

Presenting a round up of all the jokes that I wrote this week:

  1. Theresa May said "Our Values Will Beat Extremists." She's taking this supermarket price war a little too seriously.
  2. Chanel to release cologne for old men. They're calling it: Coco Pops.
  3. I used to have a terrible lollipop habit. But then I bought better quality ones, so everything is fine.
  4. It's the 1st of October, or Soctober as my footwear likes to call it.
  5. Cameron pledges tax cut for 30 million. FYI people, I can be bribed much cheaper than that.
  6. Cheryl Cole web links "most dangerous" says a security firm. I always knew she was piss poor at coding.
  7. So nervous about building my own home. I'm bricking it.
  8. This new Firm Support pillow is great. It's made me well rested, and it's rewritten my CV.

And now, Presenting a round up of all the jokes that I wrote submitted to Newsjack Series 11 Episode 2:


  1. Jason Orange has left Take That or, as Tory loving Gary Barlow put it: Transferred to a zero hours contract.
  2. Skirt size increase linked to breast cancer risk, says a study. Congratulations ladies, now it’s not just glossy magazines that make you feel bad, it’s science.
  3. Victoria Beckham speaks at UN event under the mistaken belief it was the French launch of her new perfume, One.
  4. David Cameron in crisis as Minister quits in sex scandal. Said Cameron: “The only way it could get worse is if GQ made me Humanitarian of the Decade.”
  5. University gives free tablets to new students. Careful kids, remember what happened to Zammo.
  6. Former government minister Brooks Newmarket makes formal complaint over explicit pictures tabloid story that forced him to resign. You could tell he wasn’t happy as he’d drawn a frowny face on his penis.


  1. Gibbs and the gang head to the Middle East in a special episode of NCISIS.
  2. We look into the inner thoughts of Mark Reckless in Under The Dome.
  3. On Channel 4, a New Divorcee looks for a second property in this week’s edition of Double Your House For Half The Monet.

See you next week for more hilarity, or check my Twitter feed and see me "live" tweet them.

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September “Funnies”

Rather than see my "jokes" disappear into the social media ether, I thought I'd put them where they will never be lost. Or looked at.

Presenting a round up of all the jokes that I wrote in September:

  1. To all those starting back at school over the next week or so, can I just say: Ha ha.
  2. I'm optimistic about this month's horoscope. According to my horoscope, anyway.
  3. It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and World of Warcraft.
  4. I was nominated for the Ice Bucket Challenge. But I lost out to Meryl Streep. That woman wins everything.
  5. Just had my first lesson in being a Pick Up Artist. I stencilled a daisy on the hood. Tomorrow, a Hello Kitty on the tailgate.
  6. Q. Why didn't the bowler wear his spare pants?
    A. Because they had a 7 10 split.
  7. Would you like to know my hilarious owl stew recipe? It's a hoot and a half.
  8. The LibDems promise more free childcare, according to the BBC. Well, most of them will be unemployed after the next election, so it'll give them a reason to get up in the morning.
  9. The air was cool. Not Fonzie cool. Milhouse cool.
  10. Placido Domingo to close the iTunes Festival. How? By clicking the X in the upper right hand corner, just like everybody else.
  11. Saw a Jeremy Vine interview. It lasted more than 6 seconds.
  12. Been watching a match on TV for 90 minutes. Nothing's happening. It's true what they say: It really isn't going to combust without some sandpaper.
  13. Future-proof your sandwiches by eating them today.
  14. I started up an Apple Watch, but all I got in the end was compost.
  15. Woke up feeling like one of the Seven Dwarfs. Not saying which one, but it's only 7.20am and I've already been sued for malpractice.
  16. Amazon have introduced "Fire" their first smartphone. It features Firefly technology. That means it'll be cancelled prematurely. Then turned into a film a few years later.
  17. Another Stephen King adaptation is heading to the CBS TV network. It's called "Under The Dome." And this time, it'll follow the plot of the book.
  18. If you think the iWatch or other smartwatches are a good idea, consider this: my smartwatch is very unhappy. According to his diary entries, anyway.
  19. I'm listening to Barenaked Ladies. The security in this Women only gym is very lax.
  20. If you added up all the time I've spent sat on the toilet, you probably need a more varied set of hobbies.
  21. My suit carrier is so lazy, he expects me to carry him.
  22. At the supermarket, getting some exercise in. For a big guy, this security guard is fast on his feet.
  23. There's runner beans in the kitchen. So far, they've refused to get me a latte. They'll never make it in the film industry with that attitude.
  24. Enjoyed a tumbler full of scotch until I got Batman's valeting bill.
  25. Just walked past the aptly named Still Fresh shelf in the supermarket. They're right. It pinched my bum.
  26. Sugar intake must be slashed, say scientists. What about all the poor sugar that studied hard at school? Now they'll all be fighting over fewer uni places.
  27. If you ever wonder to yourself "Will putting the car air conditioning on for a two hour car journey keep my sandwich edible and fresh at my destination?" I can tell you from experience, the answer is a resounding "NO."
  28. Sure, these baked beans claim to be in a rich tomato sauce, but if you ask them for a bit of money, they get really quiet.
  29. Got some big news today. My A0 printer arrived.
  30. Boss commended me for draping myself sexily on the office kitchen table last week. Apparently, lunch breaks have been drastically reduced since then.
  31. What do we want?
    An end to lethargy.
    When do we wa
  32. Took a walk while listening to "I'm Shipping Up To Boston." A rat ran across my path. I'm going to get shot by Matt Damon, aren't I?
  33. Just jumped a box at the gym. That'll teach it to not watch its back.
  34. Managed to do a 3 pointer on the basketball court. Subsequently, my car got towed.
  35. London Underground to operate a 24 hour tube service at the weekends from September 2015. No word yet on whether it will be a Saturday or a Sunday.
  36. ISIL crisis caused David Cameron to recall parliament. Sadly he could only remember Nick and that squirrely looking bloke.
  37. Got wolf-whistled at whilst on a rural stroll. Suppose it's what I get if I replace my jaunty autumnal jacket with bacon. Damn you, drycleaners.

Plus my Newsjack Series 11 Week 1 Oneliners


  1. After the result of the Scottish vote, Apple to change the name of iCloud to nayCloud.
  2. Breaking News! Richard the Third’s skull.
  3. Political Change does come to Westminster, thanks to a new charity box in the House of Commons.
  4. Gordon Brown vows that Scottish powers will be delivered. But if Scotland aren’t in, they’ll be left with a neighbour, England. Or in a safe place, probably under that fake hill at the back of Edinburgh.
  5. Angelina Jolie to direct film on Ivory poaching, while Delia Smith will write the tie in cookbook. This should finally change the mind of those that like their ivory scrambled.
  6. It’s finally official: It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and World of Warcraft.


  1. On BBC2 it’s Holmes Under The Hammer. This week, thanks to a booking mishap, Sherlock and MC Hammer have to share bunk beds.
  2. On Channel 5 at 8pm, it’s The Nightmare Neighbour Next Door. This week, Scotland just won’t keep the noise down.
  3. On the BBC, it’s Saturday Kitchen. This week, guest presenter Tony Blair praises the virtue of using ground troops, for those military chefs that don’t have time to let the enemy do it.
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Mundane Monday

It's Mundane Monday!

To get my mind off it after witnessing the aftermath of last week's clown sex, I decided to go for a walk, but on my way back, I was almost got by this strange fellow:


I was just lucky I had a stick to throw it.

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Newsjack Series 11 Returns This Week

That's right, people.

It's back.

Newsjack is back for an 11th series, premiering tomorrow night (Thursday, September 25th 2014) at 11pm.

Here is my record from my previous series submissions:

Newsjack Record Series 3 - 10

While it's too late for you to submit to the first episode, there are still 5 further shows this series. So get looking at the news and get writing. Find all the details of how to submit and what they're looking for, click here.

Here's to series 11!

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