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I Love Matt Fishwick! Fiction and fun with Matt Fishwick

1Sep/140

Mundane Monday

It's Mundane Monday.

Now that summer's over and the nights are drawing in, it's time to take advantage of office car park valet service.

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You would think they'd hire someone who can see over the steering wheel, but despite that flaw, he managed to park the car in the space purrfectly.

I'm here all week. (Well, until Wednesday, as I work from home on Thursdays and Fridays.)

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29Aug/140

“Summer” “Funnies”

It's the dog days of summer. So after a summer hiatus from the ol' blog-a-tron, here's some of the things I have written over the summer that have disappeared into the social media ether, and are now granted a chance at a second life:

Presenting a round up of all the "jokes" that I wrote in July and August:

  1. It's difficult to do my Thunderbirds tribute show because of all the strings attached.
  2. I'm 32, so I got my #GCSEresults over 20 years ago. I don't remember much about them. Except failing maths.
  3. So the M6 is going to be a managed motorway. It's about time. It's career hasn't been going anywhere for years.
  4. Stop creating fake jobs! "@BBCNews: Self-employed make up two-thirds of new jobs created since financial crisis http://t.co/pVw3ZQsLAo"
  5. Disappointed to have finally got rid of that cough. It was a great ab workout.
  6. "Do you expect me to talk?"
    "No, Mr Bond. I expect you to professionally cater this banquet for 300."
  7. Finally moved to the Big city. Disappointed to find Josh Baskin doesn't exist.
  8. Spent ages this morning waiting for the little spider on the ceiling to descend, but he never did. Am I to be forever denied my Kirsten Dunst moment?
  9. I can't believe Blockbuster still haven't got back to me about that job I applied for. Ignorant assholes.
  10. Just seen Prince Charles' Ice bucket video. He nominated The Queen. #ByAnyMeansNecessary.
  11. In this hotel, one guest just screamed obscenities through a door at another guest. In my defense, he shouldn't keep me f***ing waiting. The c**t.
  12. There's a mirror opposite this bed. It means I can watch as I do my favourite thing.
    Eating ice cream.
  13. Been all over town, and I can't find a greetings card from the Spite range called "Ha Ha You Have To Go Back To School."
  14. It is 10:20am. My phone is fully charged. I could go anywhere, if I didn't have to be in work.
  15. With a potential Nutella shortage on the way, doctors see panic spread as a low calorie alternative. http://nypost.com/2014/08/18/nutella-shortage-possible-after-hazelnut-crop-wiped-out/
  16. Found the 3G spot of this hotel by perching on the edge of the sofa, naked. No one else in reception seems as excited as me by this.
  17. Saw the non super moon last night. Disappointed it wasn't wearing glasses to hide its super identity.
  18. Is that sound gasses escaping, or does this bottle of Pepsi Max really not want me to reveal its secret?
  19. Q. Why did the homicidal maniac get fired from the sandwich shop?
    A. A multitude of Health & Safety Violations.
  20. Q. Why did the homicidal maniac get fired from the sandwich shop?
    A. He was all killer, no filler.
  21. Going for a W A L K. Had to spell it out, as I don't want to freak myself out about it.
  22. Just got time for a quick #EdFringe Review: He doesn't suit bangs.
  23. I dropped my first album today. Anyone got a dustpan and brush?
  24. This Pepsi Max is making my eyes sting. Lesson learnt. Cola products are not an Optrex substitute.
  25. I'm going to create two fragrances with a Star Wars theme, so we can have a new spin off called the Cologne Wars.
  26. One thing I've learnt on tonight's journey home: The further North you go, the fewer stars each train station is rated with by the citizens of Facebook. Which means one of two things. Either the quality of train stations is poorer in the north, or the people in the south are just easily impressed by shit train stations. And that, my friends, is Jerry Springer's Thought for the Day.
  27. I've got an arse that won't quit. It needs the redundancy.
  28. Just seen a pigeon go past in a checked shirt. Soon they'll all be doing it. But he did it before it was coo
  29. I just kicked a habit. The nun in it wasn't pleased.
  30. Glasgow is "buzzing" ahead of the games. Maybe that's where all the bees went?
  31. The real test of a man is how he reacts to being told by a Travelodge receptionist that he has gravy on his chin.
  32. My video's gone viral. I just sneezed on it.
  33. I don't have an addictive personality. Or so my wife said before she quite easily left me.
  34. I've just left the house. And I've changed my name, so it'll never find me.

See you next time for more hilarity, or check my Twitter feed and see me "live" tweet them.

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18Aug/140

Mundane Monday

It's Mundane Monday!

I've started a bit of a health kick recently.

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This past week, I went for a W A L K. Had to spell it out, as I don't want to freak myself out about it.

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15Aug/140

5th Anniversary Craptacular!

It's the 5th Anniversary Craptacular of I Love Matt Fishwick dot com.

On 15th August 2009, this site came into being. (Scroll back through the pages, if you don't believe me. I'd be glad of the blog hits. So far this website has been visited by upwards of 2 unique users.)

So in keeping with anniversary clip shows, here are my top twelve favourite posts that have been, er, posted over the past 5 years:

01. Lemon Sponge Really Cleans Up Competition (Originally posted 26th September 2009).

02. Marcel Marceau And The Charity Car Wash (Originally posted 25th October 2009).

03. NaNoWriMo 2009: An Orgy Of Words - The Halfway Point Review (Originally posted 14th November 2009).

04. Vote Pedro: Pizza and Politics Edition (Originally posted 25th April 2010) (And its follow up post here).

05. An Apology Letter To A Friend (Originally posted 30th August 2010).

06. On Ice: A Short Story (Originally posted 15th October 2010).

07. Mundane Monday: Live From New York! (Originally posted 8th August 2011).

08. There Are Worse Things I Could Do (originally posted 24th November 2011).

09. My First BBC Radio Credit. (Originally posted 29th March 2012).

10. Neighbour Boy (Originally posted 4th April 2012).

11. Longlisted for 50 Kisses Screenplay Competition (Originally posted 25th July 2012).

12. An Easy Way To Fulfill Your Secret Santa Obligation (Originally posted 12th December 2012).

Of course, there's more to the site that what's listed above. Take a look around, you might find something you like.

There's more to come, too. So stick around. We'll be right back!

Matt.

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13Aug/140

Writing Credit: 4am CAB Podcast – Series 3, Episode 5

My credits go all the way up to 11 now! I scored another writing credit on something that I had no control over.

That's right, I got a sketch in the 5th episode of 4am CAB's 3rd series after getting a couple of credits for series 2 back in the grand old days of yor (aka 2013).

You can see my name up in pixels here.

You can listen to my words in your ears (performed by other people) here.

The episode is called "The Future?"

What does the future hold for me? (Other than this, of course.)

Hopefully more writing credits. With episode 6 of Kirrin Island due for release at some point (which I wrote a couple of sketches for) and another episode remaining in this series of 4am CAB, I hope I've got a shot. (Unless none of my sketches make the final edit, in which case forget I mentioned this.)

Oh, and series 11 of Newsjack is back in the last week of September, too. (According to people at the British Comedy Guide Forum.)

Let's see what happens!

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16Jul/140

World Cup Wednesday Sketch 2: The Goalquel

It's Wednesday again.

It's no longer the World Cup.

So that can only mean it's time to unleash another World Cup themed sketch!

Get the 2nd sketch in PDF here.

Will I write another sketch about the World Cup now that's consigned to history?

Who knows?

But probably not.

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9Jul/140

What If….?

When writing, to come up with a premise for story, people often ask themselves what if?

With that in mind, I'm going to ask myself a question.

What if Matt, at age 32 and a half, moved to Melbourne, Australia?

Does the premise have a lot of potential?

I guess we'll find out in January 2015.

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27Jun/140

Friday “Funnies” (Friday 20th June to Thursday 26th June 2014)

Rather than see my "jokes" disappear into the social media ether, I thought I'd put them where they will never be lost. Or looked at.

Presenting a round up of all the jokes that I wrote this week:

  1. I've got a new book out today. It's due back at the library next Tuesday.
    Ha ha. That's a joke. The library closed down years ago.
  2. My defense attorney is amazing. She guessed my favourite song. "You're Unbelievable," she said. Totally going to be found Not Guilty.
  3. It's that rare trifecta this weekend. Glastonbury. The World Cup. Wimbledon. 3 events that I don't care about.
  4. Suarez didn't *bite* a member of the Italian team. He *auditioned* to be new McGruff the crime dog. Stereotyping Italians as criminals is wrong, though.
  5. Suarez is obviously trying to branch out into comedy by following the Rule of 3.

See you next week for more hilarity, or check my Twitter feed and see me "live" tweet them.

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25Jun/140

World Cup Wednesday Sketch

It's Wednesday.

It's the World Cup.

So that can only mean it's time to unleash a World Cup themed sketch.

Get the sketch in PDF here.

Goal, or some such thing.

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23Jun/140

Mundane Monday

It's Mundane Monday!

When the sewer pirate uprising happens, and it will, we'll kick ourselves that we didn't see the signs that were already on the streets:

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Be vigilant, people.

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