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I Love Matt Fishwick! Fiction and fun with Matt Fishwick

29Oct/140

Halloween Short Story: Toilet Monster by Matt Fishwick

TOILET MONSTER

by Matt Fishwick.

The toilet began to flush. A second later, a whirling dervish of blond hair raced out of the bathroom trying to leave the cacophony of banging pipes behind. Almost immediately, Jamie collided with his brother, sending them both sprawling to the cold hardwood floors of their new home.

“You didn’t wash your hands.” Seven-year-old Alex said.

“Yuhuh.”

“Nuhuh. You got to wash your hands because when the toilet flushes, water wakes up a monster that begins to slowly,” Alex paused looking at his wide eyed brother, “crawl up the drain pipe in the sink.”

“Nuhuh.”

“Yuhuh. Only the mixture of soapy water makes the pipe too slippy for him crawl up and eat us all. But I heard it gets full after the first five-year-old, so we’ll all be fine.”

“But I’m five.” Jamie squeaked.

“Oh. With your room next to the toilet, I’d be really worried.” Alex gleefully flushed the toilet again and skipped away.

Jamie rushed to the taps.

His Mummy and Daddy had promised he wouldn’t have to share with Alex at the new house, but they never said he’d have to sleep next to the monster’s room. Or that there even would be a monster. The monster was probably really old. They probably build the house over him while he was asleep and this was his only way of getting out. Maybe he could dig a hole in the garden for the monster to escape?

Every time he washed his hands, Jamie peered down the plughole.

Later that night before the dreams came, Jamie heard Daddy go down the hall to the toilet. The toilet flushed, the door opened and the pipes began to bang.

“I’ll have to call a plumber in the morning,” his Daddy yawned as he went back to bed.

Had Daddy washed his hands? Jamie couldn’t be sure, so he raced to the toilet and washed his hands in the sink to be safe. “Plum mer.” It gave him an idea.

The next morning as they were leaving for school, Mummy asked him. “What happened to my breakfast plums, Jamie?”

“Dunno.”

Jamie rushed in after school. He shouldn’t have had that extra juice box. Jamie flushed the toilet. There was no sound of pipes banging now. He was glad that feeding the monster worked. They were all safe now, but he washed his hands just in case.

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27Oct/140

Mundane Monday

It's Mundane Monday!

Don't you just hatet it when you get caught short on the way to the toilets...

stools

.. and end up leaving a couple of stools outside the door.

If anyone asks, it wasn't me. *wink*

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22Oct/140

“Witty” “Wednesday”

It's "Witty" "Wednesday." It's like Friday "Funnies" only I forgot to post them on Friday.

Rather than see my "jokes" disappear into the social media ether, I thought I'd put them where they will never be lost. Or looked at.

Presenting a round up of all the jokes that I wrote from Friday 10th October to Thursday 16th October 2014:

  1. All that weight I lost over the past couple of months, I just found it again. On a plate at the Toby Carvery.
  2. Just eaten a dog biscuit. Not good. They should make them out of better tasting animals.

That's right, only two. (If you can even call them jokes.)

And now, Presenting a round up of all the jokes that I wrote and submitted to Newsjack Series 11 Episode 4:

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. Office meetings getting shorter, says study that made them stand back to back.
  2. Chanel releases cologne for old men. They call it: Coco Pops.
  3. Tablets are replacing TVs for youngsters. Meanwhile my toaster won’t even phone in sick for me.
  4. 13 Gigabytes of photos and videos have been made available after the latest Snapchat data leak. Some users were not happy with the quality of images released. “There’s only about 100 Megabytes of actual nudes,” complained Brooks Newmark.
  5. Downton Abbey accused of plot recycling in their latest episode, which isn’t the first time recycling has occurred thanks to the mantelpiece disappearance of a plastic bottle.
  6. Google launches Camel View in United Arab Emirates. And coming soon to Australia: Kangaroo cam.

TV/RADIO LISTINGS:

  1. On ITVBe, find out what all the critics are buzzing about. One for all the honeys, It’s Stamen, Camera, Action!
  2. On ITV it's The Great Fire. This week, fire rips through Simon Cowell's record collection and the future of music is saved.
  3. On ITV, People talk wistfully about their old farm equipment in The Ex Tractor.

See you next week for more hilarity, or check my Twitter feed and see me "live" tweet them.

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20Oct/140

Mundane Monday

It's Mundane Monday!

Got myself a new batch of medication this week.

Old pills on the left, New pills on the right:

image

Hope the new batch aren't suppositories.

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15Oct/140

Sketch: Prince Charles Ice Bucket Challenge

Hey y'all,

Remember last week when I mentioned that I got a writing credit on NewsRevue back at the beginning of September? Well, you should have got over your shock at my success by now.

And because I've been busy of late, I thought that I'd "phone in" this post by just uploading the sketch that I wrote.

Remember the lazy days of summer when that ice bucket do dah was all the rage, and those videos went round the internet faster than a chicken riding a rodeo bull? Oh, good. Hold onto that mental image. It'll keep you warm at night. But until then, here's my sketch that I sent in to NewsRevue:

You can see it in PDF form. (If you have a penchant for making topical sketches well past their sell by date, feel free to make it.)

Hope you enjoyed that.

And see you all back here next week for more half-assery.

Matt.

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13Oct/140

Mundane Monday

It's Mundane Monday.

image

This door was alarmed. I guess even in supermarkets, there are shocking things to witness.

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10Oct/140

Friday “Funnies” (Friday 3rd to Thursday 9th October 2014)

Rather than see my "jokes" disappear into the social media ether, I thought I'd put them where they will never be lost. Or looked at.

Presenting a round up of all the jokes that I wrote this week:

  1. When partaking in an office hours silent disco at an architectural firm, shouting "Raise the roof" can cost some people lots of money.
  2. I'm watching a paranoid thriller, but I fear it's not.
  3. Q. Why did the Elves join the army? A. To fight for the Santa Cause. #GoldCrackers.

That's right, only three. (If you can even call them jokes.)

And now, Presenting a round up of all the jokes that I wrote and submitted to Newsjack Series 11 Episode 3:

BREAKING NEWS:

  1. PERSON 1: Man walks into bar
    PERSON 2: Actually, that’s sheep. The printer ran out of ink.
  2. Forgetful man loses house keys. Uses national radio show to ask his wife to wait up for him. Please.
  3. The parody law is in effect. Also coming into effect: The Vanessa Paradis law, meaning we still can’t make fun of Johnny Depp or his beautiful man face.
  4. Angry Birds creator releases new game. Angry Former Employee.
  5. Protesters cut short Top Gear shoot, and I was *this* close to hitting Clarkson.
  6. Ex News of the World news Editor Ian Edmondson admits to phone hacking plot. So far the admission hasn’t boosted sales of his debut novel.

TV/RADIO LISTINGS:

  1. Two plumbers go head to head in Game of Thrones.
  2. Zammo! *sound effect* Techno! *sound effect* McClusky! *sound effect* New Truancy Officer Batman arrives at Grange Hill.
  3. Baby Got Bach. It’s Record Breakers.

See you next week for more hilarity, or check my Twitter feed and see me "live" tweet them.

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8Oct/140

Writing Credit: NewsRevue – The Stage Show

So, now that the Newsjacking season is upon us I've been submitting to the show as usual.

But this year, in the run up to series 11, I decided to do a bit of a warm up and submit to a topical stage show that happens in London. Every week.

So I started submitting to NewsRevue at the end of August.

And last week, I heard that I got a credit on the show two weeks in a row.

(It's the same sketch that got on in both weeks, but I'm counting it as two credits, because each week stands alone.)

So if you want to see my credit, go on over to the British Comedy Guide and look at my first credit (for 2014 Run 6 Week 1) and second credit (for 2014 Run 6 Week 2). As there's a bit of a delay between actually getting a sketch on and finding out about it (because I'm not London based), if you want to see the sketch in action, you'll need a time machine. When you get hold of one, let me know. There's a couple of places in time that I'd like to go. (Unless, of course, I post the sketch once it's no longer earning me cashola.)

And if you want to submit, check out the NewsRevue website for details of what they're looking for.

Good luck to you in your writing endeavours.

Matt.

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6Oct/140

Mundane Monday

It's Mundane Monday!

It's just under 10 weeks until I finish work before moving to Australia.

image

My shoes are wearing thin.

Hold on shoes, I don't want to buy any more before moving.

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3Oct/140

Friday “Funnies” (Wednesday 1st to Thursday 2nd October 2014)

Rather than see my "jokes" disappear into the social media ether, I thought I'd put them where they will never be lost. Or looked at.

Presenting a round up of all the jokes that I wrote this week:

  1. Theresa May said "Our Values Will Beat Extremists." She's taking this supermarket price war a little too seriously.
  2. Chanel to release cologne for old men. They're calling it: Coco Pops.
  3. I used to have a terrible lollipop habit. But then I bought better quality ones, so everything is fine.
  4. It's the 1st of October, or Soctober as my footwear likes to call it.
  5. Cameron pledges tax cut for 30 million. FYI people, I can be bribed much cheaper than that.
  6. Cheryl Cole web links "most dangerous" says a security firm. I always knew she was piss poor at coding.
  7. So nervous about building my own home. I'm bricking it.
  8. This new Firm Support pillow is great. It's made me well rested, and it's rewritten my CV.

And now, Presenting a round up of all the jokes that I wrote submitted to Newsjack Series 11 Episode 2:

BREAKING NEWS

  1. Jason Orange has left Take That or, as Tory loving Gary Barlow put it: Transferred to a zero hours contract.
  2. Skirt size increase linked to breast cancer risk, says a study. Congratulations ladies, now it’s not just glossy magazines that make you feel bad, it’s science.
  3. Victoria Beckham speaks at UN event under the mistaken belief it was the French launch of her new perfume, One.
  4. David Cameron in crisis as Minister quits in sex scandal. Said Cameron: “The only way it could get worse is if GQ made me Humanitarian of the Decade.”
  5. University gives free tablets to new students. Careful kids, remember what happened to Zammo.
  6. Former government minister Brooks Newmarket makes formal complaint over explicit pictures tabloid story that forced him to resign. You could tell he wasn’t happy as he’d drawn a frowny face on his penis.

TV LISTINGS

  1. Gibbs and the gang head to the Middle East in a special episode of NCISIS.
  2. We look into the inner thoughts of Mark Reckless in Under The Dome.
  3. On Channel 4, a New Divorcee looks for a second property in this week’s edition of Double Your House For Half The Monet.

See you next week for more hilarity, or check my Twitter feed and see me "live" tweet them.

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