I Love Matt Fishwick! Fiction and fun with Matt Fishwick


TV and me

's up, my babies?

That's right, it's been a while, but I am back.

What have I been doing, other than procrastinating over writing a blog post? That's an easy one, I've been procrastinating over so much. From procrastinating about doing laundry, procrastinating about contacting my wife and son in the UK to let them know where I am in the world, to procrastinating about writing jokes and scripts, I've quite literally not done it at all. (You'll see that jokes are missing from this blog post.)

I have been taking improv classes over here in Melbourne, to get faster on my feet (for running away from my UK based wife), and I've also been losing weight. But that's not the point.

It was through my improv classes that I met comedian Elizabeth Davie. Elizabeth was about to start hosting a weekly current affairs-style show on C31, a Community Television channel here in Melbourne.

The show, Offbeat, is daily and broadcast live at 4.30pm. It's produced by students at RMIT (a Melbourne University). Elizabeth hosts the show on a Monday and asked for people to contribute material. In a fit of pure activity, I volunteered to write some comic material.

And so it came to pass that I have had some material read out on TV here in Australia.

So far, there have been two episodes broadcast live from an outside broadcast unit (14th September and 21st September), and I managed to get some material on the first episode (quite a bit - the Myki joke and some general news jokes), and a couple of lines on to the 2nd episode.

I'm procrastinating from writing material for episodes 3 and 4 (of 12 in the series) by writing this blog post.

See, procrastination rules!

Until next time!

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BBC Radio 4 Extra’s Newsjack – Series 12 Episode 5 – A Writing Credit

Well, it has been a long time.

Not just in the fact that I haven't posted here on the site in a while (it's a long story, that I will get to eventually, Kif) but a long time in regards to getting a credit on Newsjack. Well, rejoice, because overnight I got some good news!

I got a credit on Series 12 episode 5 of Newsjack. I've been constantly submitting since my last credit on S10E3 without much success. Starting with this series (12th) I have just been submitting one liners (with the exception of last week, episode 4, when I did not submit anything at all due to lack of Internet.)

My 7th credit overall. It's a bright spot in a bleak few weeks.

You can listen to the episode for the next 30 days at the BBC web page or download the podcast for the next 7 days.

In the event that you can't be bothered listening to the podcast, my joke is as follows:

Results are in for the Solar Eclipse. If you want to be able to see again, look away now.

Catch you next time,


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Diary Of An Unphilistine

Australia - Thursday 15th January 2015 - Day 2 - Brisbane.

It rained yesterday all day but today it was 30 degrees in the shade, so I have been to a shopping centre with air con. Sadly there is no Morrison's. But sacrifices have to be made somewhere.

I have had coffee and food and I can already feel those 53lbs I lost before venturing over here creeping back on.

Weight gain or no, I've already been wowing the locals with my fashion sense.


Until next time, keep being stylish.


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Diary of an Unphilistine

Australia - Day 1 - Wednesday 14 January 2015 - Brisbane

Thought I'd start my new life with a bit of a diary (however infrequently it gets posted.)

My final destination is Melbourne, but I'm spending a few weeks in Brisbane with family first.

Arrived in Brisbane at 6.40am local time on Wednesday. Managed to sleep a bit (probably 6 hours) on the 13 hour 20 minute Dubai to Brisbane leg (and for an hour or so on the Manchester To Dubai leg). I awoke on the plane at 2am Brisbane time. It was my best "sleeping on a plane" journey ever. The only low point was when I dipped the tip of my tie in the baked beans on my breakfast plate once we landed in Dubai. I handled it as deftly as the next International Man of Mystery by sucking the end of my tie to remove the rich tomato sauce. After all, I'm not a philistine. I don't normally travel in a suit, because I don't normally take one. Since I'm emigrating here (and I'll need a job at some point) I figured I better bring the suit. The jacket is fairly heavy and bulky so it made sense to wear it rather than pack it.

After going through e-immigration at Brisbane airport (very quick as opposed to the man at the desk variety of years past) I got my bags and was at my relatives for 8am ish. My British mobile didn't update the time automatically on arrival, so I can't be 100% sure.

Spent the day unpacking at my Auntie and Uncle's and talking to visiting cousins. Ate tea (think I'll always call the evening meal that because I'm from North West of England) of Lasagna and I managed not to spill any of it on my still pristine white shirt. (And didn't spill anything else on the shirt during the entire trip barring the bean juice incident in Dubai.) As I was getting undressed to go to bed (I know what you're thinking, and yes, I do sing the Stripper music to myself during the whole process. Every single time as it makes it into a cardio workout. Though I am glad the tassels did not flag up any issues when I went through the body scanners at the airport.), I noticed there was a small speck of lasagna sauce on my outer cuff. Great, now I'll need to wash it before I wear it again. Not being a philistine is a lot of work these days.

Went to bed after a quick shower at 10pm. Then the smoke alarm went off. It was annoying at first, but after a while the sound (in association with the smoke) enabled me to drift off to sleep easily.

PS. There was even 10MB of free wifi on the DXB to BNE route because it was an A380. Here's me in my shirt and tie at 35,000 feet just off the Northern coast of Australia:


Not pictured, the bean juiced end of the tie.

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Eastbound & Down…

Loaded up and truckin'

We got a long way to go and a short time to get there...

See y'all on the other side.

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Mundane Monday

It's Mundane Monday.

So now that I finished, I figured that I'd let you know where the fun happened:


It was my first job after university, and it was a lot of fun.

I met a lot of amazing people through my time there, both in the office and in the surrounding areas.

I'll miss it a lot.

Thanks for the memories!


NB. And with that, Mundane Monday comes to a close. For now, anyway. Who knows if Melbourne Mondays will make it's debut in 2015?

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Mundane Monday

It's Mundane Monday!

Counting down the working weeks until I'm funemployed the only way I know how.


No weeks to go!

Wait, why the hell am I up at this time?

I'm going back to bed.

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Wow Impro: The Christmas Sho!

My pals at Wow Impro are continuing to make stuff up. Without me! The cheek! :)

It's their Christmas show this week. So come on down to Esquires Coffee House in Coventry this Friday. The 12th of December 2014.

Start your weekend right with a double shot of improv goodness with your comedy baristas: Wow Impro!

FREE show. Show starts at 7pm, finishes at 9pm. Completely family friendly.

Get along and take your friends!

It'll be great!

Facebook event.


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Mundane Monday

It's Mundane Monday!

Counting down the working weeks until I'm funemployed the only way I know how.


One week to go!

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Fulfil Your Secret Santa Obligation The Easy Way

It's Wednesday December 3rd, 2014.

And you know what that means.

Panic stations!

That's right. It's the dreaded work Secret Santa. Either you were forced to join it, or you volunteered for this foolhardy assignment. Chances are, you've just been drawn your name, or perhaps you've had your name for a while, but you don't know what you can buy that person because you don't really know them that well.

Panic stations!

Relax, there's no need for panic stations. I'm going to tell you how you can get something for that colleague of yours with minimal shopping time, that doesn't involve impulse buying something from the petrol station on the way to work on the morning of the gift swap itself.

And, as long as that person uses a computer, it'll be something that they totally need. You will be considered a hero, and a genius. Women will want you (and not just to leave them alone) and Men will want to be you (and not as in earlier years "bee" you, which is where they get you drunk at the Christmas party, dress you up in a bee costume and them take you out to the car park and squirt bug spray in your face).

But that aside, people will love you.

All you need is a bit of privacy, and the person you have picked for Secret Santa's computer:

Once you have the computer, in this instance, I will use a laptop, you're going to cover it in Christmas paper:

Don't forget your Christmas widdly things, because it just looks like you have only made half an effort if you don't. Once that's done, be sure to write your gift label so that the person on the receiving end will know that the gift is from Santa, and should anyone have any cause to get mad, they should get mad with Santa, and not with you:

Of course, the note on the left hand side can be modified to have any message you wish, or it can be modified to whatever time of day that your Secret Santa gift swap will take place. A note from experience, don't hide their gift in your drawer until gift swap time, that can only lead to recriminations at the tribunal later.

Of course, not everyone can be lucky enough to have a laptop. Some people in the office do still have desktops. While the effort is considerably more, even in the day and age of lighter equipment, the joy you will get (as long as you remember to be in the room and keep a straight face while they open it) will be even more rewarding:

It is still wise to put a gift tag on it, though. This way they will see it as a genuine gift from the heart at Christmas time, rather than a silly prank.

I hope this has been of use to you, in your quest for a gift for that indifferent person in your office that smells of cats.

And do let me know how you get on with you results by leaving a comment, or better yet, sending me Monets. (Because I like art that I can sell on at a premium.)

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